Becoming too clingy

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October 9, 2017 at 8:50 am #172309

jean115
Participant

Help please!

My insecurities are pushing him away, if they haven’t already.

A little background. I’ve been on here before. My original post was titled Weekend Girlfriend.

I met a wonderful man almost a year ago and our relationship has been everything I’ve dreamed of with one major exception- I am insecure and his actions or lack thereof have increased my insecurities. When we first began dating, I had a difficult time communicating my needs to not just be in his life on the weekends. With his schedule and being a part time dad, it left our times together to be every other weekend. In between those times, his communication via phone calls and texts was random. I’ve since learned, through finally communicating, that he has attention deficit and will get so tied up in what he is doing that he forgets to reach out. I’ve worked on being understanding, communicating my needs (the best way I can) and patient because I love him. But, when he forgets to call or that we have not had any time alone together in weeks because he has made so many unorganized plans it makes me feel blown off and I get very emotional. It has become a constant push and pull. I’ve become the clingy girlfriend and it’s a terrible feeling- I feel guilty and scared all the time. My biggest mistake in this is not communicating my needs as when I’m clear headed and calm. I usually tell him how I’m feeling in the heat of the moment and when I feel blown off (emotional).

Here is what happened that led me to writing here today. We had a free weekend coming up where we could be together 2 days in a row in a couple weeks. I’ve been looking forward to it. He lives an hour away and has been preoccupied and out of town for the past 4 weekends and his weekdays are filled with work and kids. All the events that caused our times together to be so infrequent have been understandable but, I felt put on the back burner. Last night he told me he will not be intown the weekend he was finally supposed to be free in a couple weeks. He got invited to go watch football out of state with the guys and really wanted to go. He said him and I could hang out the Friday before he left. I was crushed as soon as the words left his mouth. I was stunned and just wanted to get off the phone. I couldn’t speak, I was so upset. So, heart racing, I cut the conversation short and got off the phone. A few minutes later when my emotions were spinning I text him “I don’t want to be thought of second or squeezed in when you make plans anymore. That may not be your intention but it’s how it feels.” His response was simply, goodnight. So now, I sit and stew. He has tried to include me as much as possible. He has put me first in so many situations. Overall, he makes me feel adored and important. How do I get a handle on this and recover from my latest text and emotional outburst?

October 9, 2017 at 9:28 am #172315

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jean115:

You wrote in your last few lines that he puts you first in so many situations and overall makes you feel adored and important. But the frequency in which he sees you and his priorities as you described does not read to me like him putting you first.

What are a few of those “many situations” in which he puts you first?

anita

October 9, 2017 at 11:06 am #172319

jean115
Participant

Hi Anita,

Great to hear from you. Your question made me switch gears and focus on the positive. Here is a list of what he does to make me feel like a priority. He drops what he is doing and calls (after I told him how important it was to me- one of my outbursts), he has helped me with numerous things (fixing vehicles, household chores), when there is a special event or he has free time I’m always by his side, when we are together I feel like I am his whole world. His lack of frequency, in my mind, is due to the fact that he is constantly on the go. I’ve dated busy men before but, he takes the cake. There is not a single day where he is not involved in some sort of activity. It’s a big part of what attracts me to him.

Jean

October 9, 2017 at 11:23 am #172321

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

From my more balanced understanding of his behavior, following your recent post, I still think, as I did before, that he is not available enough for you; that your need for a more available boyfriend is reasonable. I think that his inadequate availability is an understandable reason for your distress, not so much being “too clingy”.

You may be too clingy in general, I don’t know, but in this case, he is too unavailable.

I understand and admire his dedication as a father. I don’t hold him responsible for an ADD he may suffer from (as you suggested). It is up to you whether to accept or not this situation. It is definitely tough on you. It is good that he listened to your concerns, and I wish you re-communicate those to him when relatively calm, not only when you are very distressed. Maybe more frequent reminders will help.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 11:41 am #172323

jean115
Participant

Anita,

I think you’re right. I have not been this clingy in past relationships. This is a first for me. I’m afraid of losing him and miss him often. It IS very difficult. I know that I should focus more on meeting my own needs and adhering to them. Instead of criticizing myself for having them and neglecting those needs. I will work on voicing those needs when I am calm and not hold them in so often.

As for the text I sent last night, can you offer advice on how to handle that specifically? I’m afraid that this may have been one negative outburst too many.

Jean

October 9, 2017 at 1:04 pm #172345

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 1:05 pm #172349

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 1:06 pm #172351

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 1:06 pm #172353

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 1:08 pm #172355

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 1:08 pm #172357

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

I re-read the last paragraph of your original post. What you quoted, what you texted him, does not read to me like an outburst at all, negative or otherwise. It was a fair, assertive, valid statement. It was not aggressive or unreasonable. So there is nothing you did wrong and it will not be right for you to apologize.

His response, “goodnight”, was dismissive of you. He was wrong, unloving, uncaring to respond this way and not to correct himself since that response.

It was not right of him, after four weekends of being unavailable to you, to then talk about spending two days during the coming weekend together and then to cancel. And he canceled not because of an illness, a child’s illness, or some emergency, but so to spend time with the guys.

He was in the wrong- as a boyfriend, as a supposedly caring boyfriend. The fact that you experienced strong distressing feelings as a result is not an indication that you were in the wrong, neither is his “goodnight” dismissive response.

I wish I could be helpful. Unfortunately, the way I see it, now more than in my last post to you, he is an inadequate boyfriend.

anita

October 9, 2017 at 2:24 pm #172511

Eliana
Participant

Hi Jean,

I do not think he is emotionally available at this This time for a committed relationship. He is too busy enjoying being single, doing his own thing, being with his friends. He is disrespectful of your needs. We all have basic needs in a relationship, and he is not meeting any basic needs. Not investing any time in you or your relationship, shows no empathy for your feelings, and is inconsiderate. You deserve better.

October 9, 2017 at 9:49 pm #172527

Tracy
Participant

I agree with eha eliana has just said above. He is not being very nice and him just saying ‘goodnight’ was very insensitive.

however, after dating my boyfriend for 3 years and bing great, and now suddenly very very busy, i too have felt exactly how you described in the first paragraph, sidelined and like an option. it also caused problems. i had meltdowns ever week and also started to begin i wasclingy… Just like your boyfriend, he would listen to my ‘cries of distress’ and would do something about it. Even though not 100% i would see him try. so for that i would say give credit where its due.After a lot of push and pull, i learnt that yes their life is busy as hell. and not to make an excuse for them but some people, they cant handle all the pressure. the moment you sart to feel and react, they withdraw. and they pull away even further.

my practical example. M boyfreind and i used to meet every single day and like kids would talk almost every minute of everyday. and then boom. the drastic change. i struggled and through it all, he kept saying ‘you need to calm down, im not here to mess you up.i wouldnt be in this if i didnt want to.’ i got so clingy to the point i was analyzing his moves. for example by sayingthings like’you had free time on this day between 6pm and 9′ you could have come around seeinf i havent seen you in 4 days…etc…and then hell would break loose again. but slowly i started to hang out more with my friends, and family and do stuff for myself, and slowly i began to see him come around more. even on his very busy day he would call a couple of times in between etc.

my point is don be too quick to call it quits. sometimes you just have to be unavailable a little and see if he will come looking for you. (and i dont mean a text here and there). Men are hunters. and they know what they want and how to get it. so if youre unavailable. he may gt the idea he is losing you and will come and do whatever it takes to keep you…. if he does then its fine to have him around. if not then hes not yours to keep.

xx

tracy

October 10, 2017 at 3:55 am #172555

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jean:

The five copies of my last post to you are a result of a technical dysfunction.

Here is what you texted him: “I don’t want to be thought of second or squeezed in when you make plans anymore. That may not be your intention but it’s how it feels”- that was an appropriate, assertive, reasonable statement.

You felt it was an outburst probably because you felt intensely at the time. I think you may feel very uncomfortable about feeling intense feelings, particularly anger, believing it is not appropriate or right for you to feel anger, or strong anger.

If this is the case, this belief stands in your way of being consistently assertive, promotes self doubt and is working against you. Am I correct?

anita

October 10, 2017 at 9:36 am #172613
jean115
Participant
Hi everyone,
I’m so very grateful for this forum and all your advice. My thoughts are scattered this morning. So, bear with me. Through the midst of all this, my mom was put in the hospital last night for a heart attack scare. She is OK right now and they are running tests to see what caused the scare. She is my rock and this and the boyfriend stuff had made me an emotional wreck.

You’re all right, his actions do not show he is ready to be fully committed to this relationship. Now I just have to figure out how strong I am in this. I had a very open conversation with him yesterday while I was driving to see my mom. He said he felt terrible about making me feel that way (the text). But, he said that he wants to be able to live his life free to go to things he enjoys. Referring to the football game he was invited to, all-expense paid, out of state game. I explained to him how it made me feel and how I felt blown off and unimportant. He listed dates we could be together instead and told me if he stayed to be with me he would be mad at me for making him miss this opportunity. So, here we are -gridlocked. He is/will be resentful to me for making him miss this trip, I am/will be resentful to him for not making me a priority above this trip. Either way this trip pulls the thread. I’m deeply saddened by this. Finding someone you enjoy and fall in love with is not an easy task. It doesn’t come every day.

Anita- It’s as if you’ve been reading my mind. You are correct. This morning my thoughts were consumed that I’ve been too easily forgiving and quick to shoulder blame. It’s how I cope in relationships. I know it isn’t the right thing to do but, it’s a long-formed habit. I am constantly second guessing my feelings or criticizing myself for having them. It feels so strange to admit it and to put it in writing. More input on this is welcome.

Jean
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by jean115.
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