May 31, 2013 at 9:18 am #36306RayParticipant
We both went to the same school and I’d seen him around for many months and yeah, I thought he was really attractive but that was it. But one day, something changed and I formed a huge crush on him and I messages him on fb and made small talk. At first I got no reply and started giving up, but suddenly one day, I got a reply and from there things got better. He was always really quiet and dint say much but I broke through his barrier and we became really good friends. (I was 15 at the time and he was 14). We always acknowledged each other in school with just a smile at first and none of our friends knew we actually knew each other (he was the ‘hot’ kid during high school, known as a ‘player’ and had a pretty bad rep with drugs and smoking too but everyone knew he was amazingly talented at music, while I was just know as a ‘friendly’ girl I guess. I did my homework and had my own bunch of friends, never really bothering with all the other stuff). As the years went on, we became closer and closer and I helped him stop the drugs and we hung out at school and we just became super close.
And all this time, my feelings for him became deeper and deeper. I had seen him through many girls and each time he got with a girl I’d feel hurt and jealous and I thought it would get easier as time went on, but it didn’t. Even now, when he has a new girlfriend, I feel extremely upset. He knows about my feelings for hi, but we don’t really talk about it, he told me that I became too much of a friend for him to ever consider dating and I don’t even wanna go out with him. He’s a great friend but I think if he was anything more to me, I’d get a lot more hurt than I already am.
I’m 18 now and as I look back, I wasted so many days crying over this boy. Some days were really bad. I did everything for him. I gave him my ALL. For every birthday, I made him something special but he never remembered mine. Sometimes I wonder if he actually cares about me or not or if I’m just someone he comes to when he needs me or he’s hurting or when he wants attention. I give him so much and I’d do anything for him but I know that he would always pick a girlfriend over me. I will never be at the top of his list, whereas he’s at the top of mine. I feel ashamed of myself sometimes. I know, as horrible as this sounds, that I will always put him at the top of my list, over myself, family and friends. I sound like a bitch but I’m being honest.
I don’t understand how one person could hurt me so much and yet mean the world to me. He has his moments where he’s an ass to me which is most of the time but its got a lot better but sometimes he can be a great friend and a great shoulder to cry on. I love talking to him when he’s in a good mood cause we joke around and it’s funny and he makes me smile. He says the sweetest things and we tend to do a lot of flirting but then sometimes, it’s like he doesn’t care at all. And I’m just left there with nothing and it sucks.
We are always advised to let go of people who are poison to us and who don’t make us feel good. But with him, I cannot decide. I’ve done it before, tried letting him go but I always come back and I feel like its impossible. Sometimes I feel like if I find someone else it will be better but then I’m scared that I may get hurt again. This entire thing with him has made me incredibly scared to ever fall in love again. He wasn’t even mine and yet I became a mess, what would happen if I actually had a boyfriend and he left me? Falling in love to me is scary cause its not a physical pain that just disappears after a few days. It’s an emotional pain and I’ve felt it and I don’t want to go through it again.
I’m done with highschool now of course, moved to a different country and starting college in July. Things are better cause I don’t see him but I miss him and would love to hang out with him and I’m going home next week and thought maybe I could see him but of course, he’s not interested. He recently got a new girlfriend and right now, she’s all that matters. He hardly every talks to me now and I feel stupid and hurt cause I know I don’t deserve this shit from him after all I’ve done for him. It makes me angry with myself that I gave so much away for a BOY when I could’ve used this effort for something more meaningful. He doesn’t care about me even though he says he does. I don’t believe him. I wish I could just say goodbye but I can’t leave. He relies on me too and I don’t want to just leave him like that. I can’t do that to him.
A friend advised me to slowly distance myself and I’m trying to do that but it’s hard. He’s become an amazing friend to me over the years and he knows me really well so I’m stuck. I’m really stuck. I would appreciate some advice! 🙂June 2, 2013 at 1:35 am #36351milk and almondsParticipant
like dana scully said:
“It seems to me that the best relationships, the ones that last, are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”June 4, 2013 at 7:33 pm #36469BrightyoungthingParticipant
Sweetheart – I have been there! I understand how that “first love” hits you like a ton of bricks. Believe me when I say that 16 years ago I could have written the same thing you did. Please know that it gets better. I am 34 now and there are many things I’ve personally found to be true… I can share them with you because I had a very similar situation to yours as a teen and have learned a lot from it. Please listen dear heart!
1) Kudos to relocating and going to college! That’s amazing 🙂 You are doing number one perfectly – LIVING YOUR LIFE. This is the best way to shift focus off of an object of affection.
2) Find your sense of self-worth and self-acceptance. You are worth a man who returns your affections. You are worth forgiving yourself for having such strong feelings for someone who didn’t. We’re human! I beat myself up more times than I could count over “loving” my first love. I was not his first love – and it was evident because he, like your object of affection – always chose other women over me. Well- you know what? Shit happens. Unrequited love happens. Forgive yourself darling. 🙂
3) Know who to confide in regarding your feelings for the object of your affection. I say this because I exhausted everyone around me talking about this guy – to the point where my sister exploded on me one day just at the mention of his name. Hey – my sister is passionate and loves me – she was just frustrated at how stuck I was. So, having one really patient and understanding friend to talk to or even a counselor may prove helpful. Again – you’re human and working this thing out little by little and deserve someone understanding in your corner!
4) KNOW THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS. The more you live learn love – the better all things will be – including this situation.
You have so much to look forward to and I wouldn’t be surprised if one day you woke up and were totally over this guy. Until then – be kinder to yourself and allow the feelings to run their course.
I hope this helps! MUAH!June 5, 2013 at 8:56 am #36494RayParticipant
Thank you for that wonderful advice 🙂 it has made me feel a whole lot better and at least I know now that I’m on the right path and it WILL get better 🙂July 18, 2020 at 2:56 am #361995Canadian EagleParticipant
looking back over the years does this first love still resonate ?