Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Being a Bully to Myself:
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October 12, 2015 at 1:58 pm #85274
AnonymousGuestDear Jack:
I can talk to them real nasty, I have it in me, lots of aggressive potential. What am I saying… potential? No, practice. the inner bully, aka Monster Mary and her sisters (Fran, Tammy, The two Wilmas…) are very aggressive and their attacks on me are pretty aggressive, greatly exhausting me. Let me see what I can come up with:
Monster Mary- (a bomb exploding)- goodbye Mary.
Fat Fat Fran- (a shot in the head, brain splattered)- goodbye Fran.
I ate too much Tammy- (shot in the belly, intestines splattered)
Running around Renee- (shot in the legs)
I said something wrong Wilma and I did something wrong Wilma- … well, this is where my mind goes. What did you have in mind?anita
October 12, 2015 at 2:12 pm #85277
jockParticipantI’m not sure if matching their aggressive behaviour with equally aggressive tactics works…or does it? I don’t know. You tell me the results.
What about rewards like 8 year old children or puppies love (operant conditioning) You could start a smiley chart for each character on a board and reward good behaviour.
“If you are quiet and well-behaved today, I’m going to give you a treat. (example sticker, smiley or whatever works with that particular character)
Is this too weird a suggestion? 🙂October 12, 2015 at 2:28 pm #85281AnonymousGuestDear Jack:
I don’t think your suggestion is weird at all. I think though that abusers and bullies don’t mean well. I think that they get their kicks by creating pain and suffering, so their reward is not a smiley face sticker, that wouldn’t do it for them. Seriously, I am not kidding here. I really do think bullies’ rewards are the very pain and suffering they cause.
What to do with them then? Yep, the only solution is destroying them. Unfortunately for me, shooting Mary in the head will cause my brain to be splattered along with her and shooting Renee in the legs will prevent any walking on my part, so there’s that. Like I wrote before: notice (becoming aware at the moment of an attack launched by let’s say Fran) and disengage, that is bringing to my mind the image of the ocean or a falling leaf (Fall now). Again and again.
I wish there was a fast and easy solution like shooting them all (throw in Norman to the mix, you know how I feel about him)- but there is none. It is the slow, slow, persistent, ongoing NOTICE-DISENGAGE-NOTICE-DISENGAGE and then… again.
anita
October 12, 2015 at 2:52 pm #85286AnonymousGuestAfter a long time of the Notice-> Disengage routine, their reward, that is my pain and suffering, is diminished and diminished so I take away their motivation, this way. Taking away THEIR motivation, is what will weaken them further and further. In real life what it is, those bullying Inner Selves are neural connections in my brain, easily activated and running automatically once activated. When I disengage, that is shifting my attention FROM the claims of the bullies and my counter claims TO an image of the ocean, what is actually happening is that the neural connections translated into bullying and suffering are WEAKENED over time, literally. Brain plasticity, weakening existing connections and creating and strengthening new connections.
Really, this is the only way. When you abstain from biscuits long enough and successfully (in thought and in action), you weaken the biscuit neural connections and when you walk every day, you create and strengthen a new neural connection.
And when you are in the public speech class so well described in a comment you posted a little while ago, if you manage to somehow relax while you are speaking, take deep breaths, stop- talking, take a break, imagine ex. the ocean, and continue talking, you are weakening the scary public speaking neural connection and create a new connection for public speaking.
I was just attacked by Wilma telling me: you are writing too much. Nobody wants to read this. You have nothing to do with your time but write … get off your ….
Disengage, disengage. See the trees outside.
anita
October 12, 2015 at 3:23 pm #85289jockParticipantgreat thoughts again anita
just another fan
jittery jackOctober 12, 2015 at 3:34 pm #85291jockParticipantanita
while we’re on the topic of self-bullying, I wonder if the stronger our inner critic, the louder he or they are, the less able we are to take criticism from other people?
I know I am hypersensitive to criticism. Is that because my inner bully is so loud? has so much power in my inner selves world?
And vice versa. the people who have no internal bully or at least have theirs under control, can take criticism in their stride, like water off a duck’s back?
I know that when I experience a negative event, like being micro-managed by a fault-finding boss at work, I fear the actual pot-mortems afterwoards more than the event itself. I really beat myself up. So the internal bully is worse than the “real life” external bully.
Or the external bully stirs up the internal bully, triggers him, wakes him up into action.October 12, 2015 at 4:42 pm #85303AnonymousGuest* Thank you jittery jack! Nice to see your comment (Running around Renee took me for a short walk in the light rain and I am back).
Dear Jack:
By the time someone in real life criticises me I am so out of shape and exhausted from the ongoing daily ANTICIPATION of criticism that I take a leave of my senses when criticism really happens. Or I am so numb I don’t feel it (I dissociate). So yes, the Inner Critic (my Mary and her bloody sisters) do magnify others’ criticism so much that I panic or dissociate because of the overwhelm factor.
Yes, the Internal Critic is way, way worse than real life criticisers in an adult life in the great majority of instances and the reason is that
The internal Critic whole LIFE is about criticizing us and other people have their own lives. Our internal Critic has our eyes as its eyes, our ears as its ears. Our Internal Critic has ongoing, non stop access to viewing our bodies and viewing other people’s faces as they look at us, hearing their tone of voice as they talk to us, all the Internal Critic attention and focus is on its job and it is very dedicated and hard working. Other people don’t have our eyes, ears, etc. and often are not that hard working and dedicated about criticizing us. They have their own lives.
SO yes, the internal bully is worse than external bullies in the great majority of the times (exceptions in adulthood are … SS guards during WW2 and violent crimes…)
A lot of things wake up the internal critic IF he or she is asleep (Yours is? Mine hardly takes a break), the anticipation of criticism for one. The anticipation is worse than the actual, because the anticipation has no time limit.
anita
October 12, 2015 at 5:14 pm #85310AnonymousGuestReal life critics operate on a time limited fashion but the internal critic ANTICIPATES before and RUMINATES after, that is almost time-unlimited.
anita
October 12, 2015 at 6:26 pm #85321jockParticipantThe internal Critic whole LIFE is about criticizing us
I could’ve chosen a lot of other quotes too.
Our critic or bully is obsessed with making our life difficult.
Like big brother (haha) watching us all the time. CCTV.
Like The Police song goes:
every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you“October 12, 2015 at 6:30 pm #85322jockParticipantI have no wish to discuss suicide and I know it is against forum rules but sometimes I think it is useful to refer to it as prevention measure. You talked about getting rid of your internal bully too.
Is that what most suicides are about? People can’t stand the noise of their internal critics, their self-bullies? They want to escape asap?
I mean if we can nail these bullies through IST or any other way, we can go a long way to preventing suicides? or am I getting carried away?October 12, 2015 at 7:15 pm #85326AnonymousGuestDear Jack:
I don’t at all think you are getting carried away. You are making an excellent point, says I. Most suicides are probably about escaping self bullying ASAP, just as you wrote. True, isn’t it? Nailing these bullies through IST, my goodness, this is … now I am getting carried away… To your next post.
anita
October 12, 2015 at 9:13 pm #85332jockParticipantI know I will never do myself in because:
1) I don’t like pain
2) I don’t like blood
3) I don’t like running out of breath
4) I don’t like the ‘no gaurantees’ of life after death, might be worse than now
5) don’t have a good life insurance policy
6) I’d die of shame and guilt for leaving a mess for someone else to clean up
7) Llama J. can’t see the humour in it
8) what if reincarnation is true and I come back as a llama
9) I like watching sport and there may be no sport in the next life
10) No way I’d leave my partner and canineOctober 13, 2015 at 8:21 am #85346AnonymousGuestDear Jack:
Number 6 is hilarious, so is number 7 and 8 (We have llamas around where i live, by the way. So I see llamas every time I look at the neighbor’s property). And number 10 is an Ohhhh… Jack the caring partner and canine owner.
I like the order of reasons, not liking pain- most instinctive, makes sense why it would be number 1. Number 1,2,3 are Abe
s reasons.Could be a topic for a new thread: why wouldn’t you commit suicide? Of course this may be grounds for being expelled from the website, for bringing up the S word. Then I will take a compulsory break from Forum Life.
anita
October 21, 2015 at 8:36 am #85773AnonymousInactiveI’m sorry I haven’t delved in to every post in this so forgive me if you’ve already answered this – but what does your bully say?
may I ask for a couple of examples? specific examples?
October 21, 2015 at 8:43 am #85775AnonymousGuestDear pomplemous:
Who are you asking? If you are asking me, can you be more specific- because my bully (really many bullies in my head) tell me a lot of things throughout the day.
anita -
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