May 31, 2016 at 9:19 am #106071
I am crushed and disappointed right now. I was approaching this new realtionship carefully and attentively of my own problems and needs. We developed this closer attachement over some time and I really liked this man. At one point he told me, that he wants to be with me and have children with me, etc. AI took some time to consider it, but I wanted to be with him. He was really fast and decided on these things.
After a while he freaked out and distanced himself very, only to tell me that he thinks he cannot be the man he wants to be. That he is full of fear and powerless etc. I told him, that these things are normal and that I am ok and feel safe, so its ok for me that he is afraid.
Eventually he broke it off while telling me of fear, limbo etc. I was feeling very sorry for him as he said he cannot even accept depending on other people. He says his fears of the future destroy his presence (feelings and actions).
I have the feeling, that I saw his shawdow, but he could not accept someone else seeing it.
I gave all I could, like my love and my heart and my accpetance and he denied it. I knew that being all in can hurt, but I was hoping for the best. I was feeling very sorry for him.
One or two weeks after the breakup he is in a new realtionship. This really hurts me.
And now I am asking myself what was real? What did I see rightly and what did I not see? Normally I am good at seeing people and how they are. But right now I am so disappointed and I am not even sure if I can trust myself.
Maybe you have some kind words for me
MathildaMay 31, 2016 at 11:51 am #106083trishaParticipant
I think some people like the initial high of a relationship and then they get overwhelmed when things calm down and become routine… will be interesting to see if he stays in this new relationship… or will he freak out again>
Sounds like you saw the writing on the wall… most of the time we do, but we so want to believe in this new possibility, we close our eyes to the red flags and the warnings.
It appears to me you did everything right… relationships with new people is always a dice roll. How much did you know about him before you entered into a relationship?May 31, 2016 at 12:14 pm #106088
I knew him for a couple of months and I saw that he is melancholic, dramatic, ect. But I genuinely trusted him and wanted to believe his sincerity. And I am just thinking that I would have wanted to protect myself from that.May 31, 2016 at 3:44 pm #106111AnonymousGuest
When you told him: “…that I am ok and feel safe, so its ok for me that he is afraid.”- that was beautiful of you to say- what a shame for him, a loss for him that he didn’t take you on your precious offer, so rare to be offered: safety. People often don’t choose what is good for them.
It is possible, assuming his expressions of fear were sincere, that he didn’t want to deal with his fear, that his fear became visible in his relationship with you: you saw his fear (therefore said the above), and he wanted to close his eyes to it. It is possible that in his new relationship, this is exactly what he can do: keep his eyes closed, that is, keep his awareness away from his fear.
And so it may work, for a while, this new relationship, but not for long, because what we resist, persists.
He may very well had the unique and precious opportunity with you to confront his fear, with your help, and he chose not to, because he was too scared.
You read to me as reasonable and trustworhty as far as your evaluation of people. Do you think it is a valid possibility, that he chose to escape confronting his fear exposed with you, and soon got into a relationship that is, for now, distracting him from his fear?
anitaMay 31, 2016 at 11:34 pm #106165thedigger0Participant
Of course you will give your all to every relationship you get into. Bravo. You were even prepared to meet his needs and inadequacies. Bravo again. Then he split, that is meant to hurt you invested in him. Why would you not.
Then all his words meant nothing as he split with you and was with someone else. Still its going to hurt, but feel relief that you got off the hook. You were about to commit and give your all to some guy who was not being true to himself nor you.
Let it hurt but feel like you escaped a guy who was inconsistent.
People will only show you what they want to see. And we want to take people at face value. You’re in a committed relationship with someone you don’t want to be doubting every word they say.
You did your bit. Of course trust yourself. It was not you who did the wrong thing. Okay well maybe you fell for the wrong guy initially. Don’t let one situation even though it hurts like hell stop you from seeing that what you wanted to share was all of you, what he was sharing was not worth it. His behaviour impacted you, but it does not reflect who you are.
Keep that trust up, you deserve it. Now go and get a tub of ice cream, put on the Notebook, have a box of tissues near by. Cry your eyes out until you are all cried out. You did well. You stayed true to you. That is worth the celebration.June 1, 2016 at 12:09 am #106169MattyParticipant
So, i think others have already stated the ‘honeymoon’ stage, the rush you get when everything is just clicking. That your ex was only showing you ‘one’ side to himself. But at the same time, people can get over zealous and promise things they don’t have or are actually afraid of the things they have promised. Your ex more than likely was into you, but may have been going through the motions. He obviously went to fast and got scared and probably felt that he didn’t deserve him. You accepted him, as a whole, but the kicker….you understood him. You gave him time, you attempted to show support and he shot you down. I believe for the only reason that makes illogical sense….Pride. Pride is literally the worst emotional trait that can destroy people. It’s okay to have pride in what you do, but you shouldn’t let it control your emotions to the point where you start setting standards and expectations in your head that you can never reach. The fact that he is with another woman only means that he damaged his ‘pride’ so much that he had to fix himself, he had to prove to himself that it wasn’t him. That’s why he is with someone else, he needs that validation of someone that doesn’t know him like you do that he is powerful and in control. More than likely, he will follow the same pattern he took with you. Until you realizes that a relationship is based on support, it’s basically a
You went all in, and lost. I don’t think this means you cannot trust yourself. Because you you would of had great times together. You probably shared some good experiences. It’s difficult to judge people, because well we are complex beings. You judged a man based on what you saw and heard. That’s all anyone can do, basically take someone’s word. So don’t look back at your relationship and see it through tinted glasses, because regret and sorrow changes the way we see the past. I know it’s not that simple to just say ‘move on, what’s done is done’ because that’s not the best way to deal with this, considering you were emotional invested in someone else. I believe you just need to trust yourself again, understand that this won’t be the first nor the last decision you make that goes against you. If you cannot trust yourself, you certainly cannot trust others. You have every right to be disappointed, much like someone who fails an exam that they studied weeks for. But at some point, you have to learn, grow and try again. Otherwise you will always be disappointed and eventually ashamed of yourself because you have failed to move on from ‘one’ decision in your life. Honestly, when you are 80 or 90 years, are you really going to base all your experiences and choices from this point on one man who was afraid of his own shadow?
I hope this helps bring you comfort, if you have more to say, please write 🙂
MAttyJune 1, 2016 at 3:03 am #106175
your suggestion, that he might be in the new relationship in order to distract him of his fear is something that I have thought of as well.
Actually the way he has described himself in the end to me was very fearful, avoidant etc. It just makes me so sad, that he seems to have a certain awareness of these things, but is not willing/cannot accept it or work on it.
It is kind of likely, that he distracts himself through the new relationship.
Still it hurts me very much, when breaking up he gave me all this talk, how he d rather drown in an ocean of futility instead of hurting me more, he loves me still but it will change, what things were so great about me, how I was his chance for being happy, …
Everything is so dramatic and then he turns around as nothing has happened.
I was holding my heart out and all I have and he did not want it.
This gives a sting to an old wound (never good enough)- I know that it is not me (intellectually, but I can get caught on the thought.)June 1, 2016 at 3:06 am #106176
thank you for your applause 🙂 I agree, that what I did is to be applauded. I d love to feel more like a winner.
I want keep the trust up, but I am not feeling good and feel fear rising….June 1, 2016 at 3:34 am #106177
Pride this in an interesting angle! In one talk he said that his overthinking-rational attitude is only to controll the outcome and have perfection. He agrees, that this is keeping him from doing things, out of fear/loosing controll. It might be a way as you suggested in getting back in controll and showing himself, that he is able.
This is all so corupted- he told me: Your wholeness is like a burden for me and I feel, that I cannot carry it.
MathildaJune 1, 2016 at 6:55 am #106185AnonymousGuest
Seems to me that he scared himself with his rushing into making grandiose statements like wanting to have children with you, and then backed away with fear. There is also a possible element of dishonesty in his dramatics, as in preferring to drown in an ocean of futility than hurting you more. There is an element of drama, good for a poem or a movie, but in real life, what does “ocean of futility” means? And I doubt he would rather drown in any kind of water than hurt you. The words he used when dramatic are far from accurate and may mean nothing at all outside drama, the stirring of the air around his mouth as he puts out a verbal show of… art.
I would say that this is the point I am seeing this morning regarding your thread: his drama. His fear, i am sure, is real. The drama, well, that’s something else. That was not authentic. That was self serving and a feel-good thing that he did. What do you think?
anitaJune 2, 2016 at 2:34 am #106283MattyParticipant
I believe that pride is the worst human trait imaginable.
This is all so corupted- he told me: Your wholeness is like a burden for me and I feel, that I cannot carry it.
Well clearly he feels that you are too good for him, that as Anita has stated more than likely afraid of himself, maybe afraid that you would judge him and see him differently once you get to know his ‘true’ self. I also agree with Anita, that he may of course just being saying this kind of stuff in order to breakup, without having the courage to do it straight. Either way, he did you a favor by getting out of your life, since if he can’t handle his own emotions, and by the looks of it, quite weak at expressing his true intent. I know that it’s a moot point in your life, but you can only control so much in your life, people like this…you cannot. Trust is given once judgement has passed. Don’t feel scared to trust again, just be weary of big statements too early in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with it, but make sure your partner means it.
I hope you can move on, learn and grow from this point forward.
MAttyJune 2, 2016 at 3:31 am #106285
Maybe it is self serving drama. I think I just never say such extreme things without meaning them.
And in part I wanted to take it seriously i think.June 2, 2016 at 3:47 am #106286
yes it is a strange and low point now. Yes I can see things that are not good wih or from him.
It is hard right now.June 5, 2016 at 2:03 pm #106582Rose TattooParticipant
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I know how painful it can be. I don’t know this guy, obviously, but the fact that he was very fast to tell you he wanted kids, etc and was serious about you is a big red flag to me. It could be that he doesn’t know himself very well, that he’s manipulative, or just that he’s insecure. Once he realized that having a relationship with you would mean that he might have to face some hard things, do work, or really open up to intimacy, he ran away.
As for you: you showed that you were really available and open and willing to go “all in”, and yes, that’s rare in my experience. Maybe it’s time to take some time for yourself, lick your wounds, and process what happened. I understand how frustrating and painful it must be to feel you were careful and went in with eyes open and you still got hurt. And I totally get not trusting yourself…I’ve had that experience myself.
Maybe focus on other things in your life and let this experience wash over you and change you. Let it percolate. You won’t always feel this way. Best of luck to you!