Dear L:

You wrote that your father told you to “stop crying and get over him”, and your understanding of his motivation in saying that was to help you (“that’s just my parents and their way of trying to help me”)

Question: is it possible that your father’s motivation in saying that was not to help you but to make his life more comfortable by not attending to someone (anyone) who is crying?

I ask because you wrote in your first line of the recent post: “I didn’t notice the issues I had in the relationship” with your ex boyfriend, that is. But when we don’t notice the issues in our relationships with our parents, we are not likely to notice the issues in other relationships.

anita

Dear L:

I do hope you feel better soon.

From your account your ex boyfriend was very emotional when he broke up with you over the phone. On the other hand, your father reads like the unemotional of the two men. Your ex boyfriend told you that you and your family are the same (the quote is in the first page of your thread, not in front of me right now). Do you know what he meant by it?

(It seems to me that the breakup was a result of your introduction of your family into your relationship).

* Will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours.

anita

Dear L:

It was possible for you to know  “if he really did care/love (you)”,by asking him questions and listening to his answers. I don’t think that your “various friends and (your) parents” are qualified to determine if he really cared for you.

It is important, within the context of an intimate relationship, to communicate effectively, to ask questions, gently, gradually and listen. Then ask more. Ask and share information, thoughts and feelings. It is better to focus on you and him, to create a trusting, safe relationship between two people.

Friends and parents should not be inside that close, intimate relationship. They don’t belong there.

I don’t remember at this point if you shared about it, but is there or could there be any communication with your ex boyfriend, for the answers that you need, if not to resume the relationship?

anita

Dear L,

Yes, it will be terribly painful especially when your feeling at peak on him. So far in my experience nothing more painful than this. Those with experiential knowledge will understand this. You have no choice, u must go through the pain, no immediate relief. Rather than fixing the relationship you better start to fix yourself. Believe me, once you pass through (years in my experience) you will become wise and you will gain at the end. Now you need to take 1st step…. Acknowledge the pain, feel it…keep walking..1 step at the moment.

Dear L:

You wrote in your recent post: “he does probably have his own issues… I do need to work on myself… I deeply had hope that we could work through this”- a relationship is an opportunity for the two parties to work on their individual issues within the context of a safe, loving relationship.

The reason psychotherapy works when it works is that a capable therapist provides the safe, empathetic relationship that the client needs so to work on issues that need to be worked on. It would have been a good thing if you and him were able to cooperate and help each other this way.

anita

Dear L:

Reads like he does have issues, of course. And so do you. I don’t know if there are any two people coming together who do not have each, his/ her own issues that are brought into the relationship. If you have the courage to contact him for the purpose of exploring, if he is willing, the possibility of resuming a relationship, but a better relationship this time, then why not.

It is about exploring a possibility, that is all.

There is a whole lot that you can learn in such an attempt. In reality, again, there is  nothing for you to lose- he is already out of your life, how can you lose a person who is already lost to you.

anita