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May 6, 2017 at 7:35 am #148227
Quirine
ParticipantDear everyone,
I am 25 years old living in Europe. I have a very nice life, the job I love, living in a wonderful city, amazing family and really beautiful activities and travels I do every now and then. Despite having the life everyone desires, I still miss something really important. I am into women and mentioning that I want to point out that nobody from my close environment has expressed any dislike/ disapproval or something that would stop me from trying to find my person.
I have been struggling finding a girl that I can share and live all this love-like thing everyone surrounding me is having. I always remember myself being in two kinds of phases: Either falling for someone that is not at all available (straight/ taken/ or sth else) or starting a fling with a girl I start liking a lot but then something OCCURS.
Since being very very young I realized how much I am into women but it took me some years of course to make peace with this idea. I was 17 when I started confessing to my closest friends that I am gay. Met many girls that I was interested in but there was always a case where all possibilities would disappear. When at 22 years met a girl and had a very short story, but to be honest I was not super interested. After a while, I met another girl that I definitely lost my mind for/ crazy in love and we had a love story for about a couple of months. Falling so deeply in love with made me realize that I am definitely gay and after her my lovelife started having a meaning. She completely broke my heart, at the time I thought she did it intentionally. Cheated on me, treated me in very disrespectful ways that turned me into a very sad and dipressed 22-23 year old girl. However, I tried to meet other chances/ met many girls that I didnt find any similar or as charming. For some people I might have been a d**head to them but definitely not purposely.
In short, I have always been involved in many lovelike stories that I was either not passionate for or for some reason the other person would not give me what I wanted and she would run away. About 6 months ago for the first time after THAT girl I met a wonderful person and we would date for more than a month. I was pretty sure I found my person, felt definitely comfortable with her, i was almost falling for her, we had the perfect matching from all sorts of angles. But, of course, at some point she starting keeping a distance when I found out she met someone else. The last story I had after this girl lasted for about 3 months, it was nice but she would not give me what I wanted (as she said) and since being very imbalanced to me I ened things. It was a very easy decision because I had negative thoughts and loads of insecurity the whole time. Will she reply my message? Is she with someone else right now? Did she mean it when she surprised me at 5am? All this imbalance was very painful for me and I decided to not go through the same situation for once more.
Despite doing a therapy and analysis for the past 3 years I struggle making peace with myself. I feel I always fall in the same loop. All these experiences made me so insecure for myself and so full with negative thoughts that I cant handle them anymore. I am always afraid that they either will abandon me for someone else or because I put pressure on them or that I will not be interested in them and will run away. Being a very romantic person I am so looking forward to meeting an adequate person and work/invest in our relationship. I cant believe its all their* fault and they dont realize what kind of person I am. I need some advice on how I can calm down and start having faith in me so as to realize what I am doing wrong and work on it. I dont want to just develop relationships that I can gain just something, instead I want to find one person that will fulfil me and make me feel comfortable and secure with them.
May 6, 2017 at 8:03 am #148251Anonymous
GuestDear Quirine:
Did you learn anything in the three years therapy and analysis that is relevant to the issue of your thread, such as your relationships with your parents, past and present?
anita
May 6, 2017 at 10:15 am #148269Quirine
ParticipantAnita, indeed, my therapist explained me how this is relevant to my relationship with my father. That I grew up with a father that never approached me or expressed his love for me and that I was always afraid* or distant with him. I mean I do love him but our relationship is not deep at all and I never feel comfortable being close to him, unlike with my mother. When the therapist explained this theory I automatically identified and recognized the signs but I dont know how I can heal that or where to begin.
May 6, 2017 at 10:23 am #148271Anonymous
GuestDear Quirine:
There is not much use in understanding something if it doesn’t promote the beginning of healing. If you saw an analyst for three years for the purpose of intellectual understanding, that could be an interesting intellectual process. The job of a psychotherapist is to guide you into a healing process, an emotional healing that involves the intellect.
You wrote that you were uncomfortable being close to your father, unlike your mother. Can you describe your childhood relationship with your mother? And then, with your father?
anita
May 6, 2017 at 10:45 am #148273Quirine
ParticipantI have always been close to her, shared many nice moments, talks or even excursions. Even though I kept deep in my heart and mind some secrets I strongly felt she was like a friend to me. Later on I realized those secrets were guilts for hiding that I am gay and couldnt share it at the time. For certain things she prefered to have hiding things from the dad and I was raised with one friend and being afraid of the other. It sounds overdramatic but thats the easiest way to describe it.
While with my father it was so different. He is a permanent hotheaded traditional man that influenced me to always have so much megativity surrounding me. I was afraid to express myself or even share things from my daily life, school performance/ relationships with friends. We had zero communication and I could expect from time to time him to tell me off for whatever reason. Growing up within such a complex and dual ambience (hiding from one and being so open with the other) I decided to start sharing things that I felt comfortable doing with both. Such as telling them about my dreams, plans, studies.
My mother knows about my sexuality since last year- she wasnt expecting at all and it was a huge shock for her. This made me keep some distance from telling her about my sexual life- but I now know I dont have to hide or lie. And to be honest I prefer that rather than liying to one of them and being honest to the other.
The past years that I live abroad, I think, my relationship with both has improved a lot. In the sense that I try to communicate equally with both and especially my dad is trying much more to get in touch or express himself.
May 6, 2017 at 11:28 am #148283Anonymous
GuestDear Quirine:
You mentioned that sometimes you fall in love/ get infatuated with women who are not available- that happens to everyone: possible romantic partners are otherwise engaged (in a relationship, a different sexual orientation, and such). It doesn’t mean you are necessarily attracted to unavailable women, but that reality is not everyone is available.
Being afraid of your father, living fearfully of his anger, as a child, him being hotheaded and attacking you from time to time unexpectedly (“time to time him to tell me off for whatever reason”) is a very difficult situation for a child, scary. It explains to me why you would be afraid and distrustful of women/ girlfriends. When your father was nice or acted loving toward you, you didn’t know how long it would last. You were cautious, wanting to prepare for the next attack, to not be surprised, correct? If so, in a similar way, you want to prepare for the ending of a relationship before it ends, so to not get so painfully surprised.
Keeping your sexual orientation a secret, even from your safer mother, was an added complication to your life.
I suppose you will need to deal with the fear, the fear you already experienced growing up with your father, the fear of being rejected for your secret, the fear of re-experiencing pain in future romantic relationships.
Perhaps healing-type of psychotherapy can help you. Therapy where you will be taught such a thing as “emotional regulation skills”- so to endure and manage the anxiety, to not be overwhelmed and to function effectively in a relationship in spite of the anxiety. It will also help to further learn communication skills so to communicate effectively with the next girlfriend, or potential girlfriend.
Another very important skill: to evaluate people, so to avoid women who will disrespect and mistreat you.
anita
May 6, 2017 at 11:54 am #148287Quirine
ParticipantIn fact, I always kept my hopes down so as to expect as less as possible from him. Now that I have so much experience with him, I can almost calculate or forsee his explosions of anger. Sometimes I even advise my mom on how to deal with him or how to communicate certain things.
My therapist uses “Cognitive-Behavioral therapy” with a special focus on how to manage negative feelings or thoughts. In our last meeting she pointed out that I have made a progress when ended things with the last girl because I realized it was not the correct case for me and I didnt want to experience for once more the same pattern as with THE first girl- as a reflection of my father’s behaviour. Still, despite my progress, I painfully doubt I could find a person that would instill trust and patience in me.
Somethimes I think I just want to find a person just for fun and develop zero feelings, but being eternally romantic I know I cant do this. Thank you for your analysis- it was so to the point and clear. I will ask my therapist to re-evaluate our process and focus more on this pattern you suggested. 🙂
May 6, 2017 at 7:50 pm #148299Anonymous
GuestDear Quirine:
I too attended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Within the therapy, in addition to the CBT exercises my therapist taught me emotional regulation skills (typical of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) as well as Mindfulness. It is necessary to develop such skills so to endure anxiety without automatically reacting to it; necessary so to behave effectively.
You wrote that you doubt you can “find a person that would instill trust and patience in me”- those things cannot be instilled. Once you are inclined to distrust, you can no longer automatically trust others. But you shouldn’t really, automatically trust others because not everyone is trustworthy.
The solution is to take a lot of time and patiently, slowly, learn who the person is in front of you: does she keep her word? When she says she’ll do something, does she follow through?
Post anytime, if you’d like. Best to you!
anita
May 8, 2017 at 1:39 pm #148543Quirine
ParticipantAnita, one last thing.
Apart from the anxieties and fears as you mentioned that I’m encountering already, do you also notice problematic situations per se? Or is the way I deal with them that needs to be improved and maybe after working on myself I will have the possibility to deal effectively and with less anxiety?
May 8, 2017 at 7:58 pm #148567Anonymous
GuestDear Quirine:
Wanting to answer your question best I can, I re-read your posts on this thread. You asked if apart from anxiety (ongoing, repeating fear), do I also notice a problematic situation here:
Yes, I think that you will greatly benefit from learning relationship skills (interpersonal skills) in a love relationship. These can be taught and practiced in a couple counseling setting (with a girlfriend). There are also books, workbooks and maybe online sources. But no substitute for practicing with a professional/ teacher.
It is a matter of learning, nothing magical. One very important such skill is Assertiveness, another is approaching any conflict with a Win-Win approach: no loser/ winner. Both need to win. Another is responsibility, for example, saying: I feel sad when you don’t do this or that, instead of saying: you make me feel sad. Another skill: attentive listening, then repeating what the other person said so to make sure you understood correctly.
Here is an example of a non-skill, that is, a skill no one has: mind reading. Partners often feel that the other is supposed to know what they feel without telling what it is. Or a partner assumes the other is thinking or feeling this or that. Instead of assuming, instead of mind-reading, ask and tell, clearly, simply.
I wish you learned those skills. Putting them into practice successfully will help your anxiety, giving you confidence.
* One more thing I noticed: you were unsure/ uncomfortable about being gay for a long time and that hindered you in the area of love relationships. You may still be not comfortable enough. Reads to me that you didn’t tell your father and that your mother didn’t react too well? This discomfort/ fear of rejection for being gay may be an issue as well.
Post anytime. If you find it helpful, this need not be a “one last thing”!
anita
May 10, 2017 at 1:53 pm #148945Quirine
ParticipantLots of thanks once more, Anita. It all makes sense and you explained so clearly everything.. I keep reading your articles and responses to others. keep it up! 🙂
May 10, 2017 at 7:14 pm #148965Anonymous
GuestYou are welcome, Quirine, and thank you for your encouragement. Post anytime.
anita
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