Dear Susy:

I see your sad face there.

You mentioned values in your original post, that you and him have similar values. He told you that he appreciates that you say you are sorry when you are wrong instead of blaming him, and he appreciates you being “a calm and collected woman”, so he values these things about you.

Problem is that for as long as he values passion and excitement more than what he values about you, then he will continue to seek her company (or avail himself to her when she seeks his company).

It is about what people value and within the list of what they value- what it is that they value more.

anita

Dear Susy,

You sound like a really fun personality – I’d love to have you as a friend.  New York cheesecake is my favorite and yes, it will most definitely be his loss.

You would make a perfect wife! but what he wants most in life right now is a friend?  What if the third option is that he is running scared?  What if he is scared of commitment – not just with you but with anyone?

I’m sure you’ll let us know how the party goes.

Peggy

Dear Susy:

I will be able to read and respond to your recent post when  am back to the computer in about 18 hours from now.

anita

Dear Susy:

I often re-read a member’s past posts when I get new information in a recent post, to see if I can get some new understanding re-reading, having a new piece of information/ idea in my mind as I re-read. It also helps me process information when I re-type the member’s words. So here we go:

Previously: “I never ever initiated contact, nor the visit. I was a bit reserved… he told me, that he loves me, and finds me attractive and a really kind person, but he misses something. Like … passion… I’m nothing like his ex.. I’m calm and collected, not needy and not at all a drama queen… I’m not going to pursue him in any shape or form, I was even thinking about refusing him to pick me up tomorrow”.

Recent post: “I felt my heart racing in my throat the whole time while there was just the two of us… I gave him a friendly kiss on his cheek saying thank you… We had some small talk on the way, but I really just ignored him looking out the window.. Then got away with some excuse…I had so many bad things going.. My best female friend died of heart failure at age of 35, the very next morning after my birthday party… I had a surgery… I was just so happy and excited about this guy 2 months ago… In real life I’m a very reserved person, when it comes to relationships.. I’m more like a listener for everyone, but never really tell about my own struggles. Sorry for the venting”.

My thoughts this morning: personally I prefer “calm and collected” over a “drama queen” and I think every man will benefit from calm-and-collected and get hurt in a relationship with a drama queen. I prefer interacting with calm-and-collected people over drama queens.. or kings anytime!

Having said that, it is possible that you are too reserved (“I’m a very reserved person, when it comes to relationships”), too reserved, that is. And unless a man has a strong preference toward a very reserved woman, he will be indeed missing something, just like this man said (“he misses something. Like passion”).

When riding with him in the car very recently, your heart was racing but you acted very cool, looking out of the window as he talked, showing him that you are not listening or involved with him.

What if this very reserved nature in the context of a relationship is not so much an authentic part of you but a result of fear, that is, you are protecting yourself from hurt.

Final thoughts in this post: there is nothing wrong with you  protecting yourself, of course. And again, I like  calm-and-collected. But it is possible that if you aim at acting less reserved, more invested while keeping certain boundaries (ex: not having sex with him, or generally with a man who  friend zoned you), it may serve you better.

No need to apologize for venting. Some venting, in moderation, feels wonderful and this man may like it, if you vent  to him, talk with emotion in your voice, go  on and on ..for just a moment or two.

anita

Dear Susy:

I think that it is a very good idea that you tell him that you feel hurt and sad, absolutely. Of course it is a good idea. Tell him like it is. It is healthy to do so and you have nothing to lose, no down side to expressing yourself honestly and authentically that I can se.

If you do so, let me know what happens next, if anything. But note, if you will: express yourself honestly and authentically, without thinking how you would like him to respond or what you should say or not for the purpose of him responding in any particular way.

anita