Being shut out by people and no sure if they are true friends

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    I’m going through a bit of a difficult time with some people who I thought were my friends, and with trying to understand why some people act like they never knew you. Lately, I have been working on trying to rediscover myself and setting goals to move forward from my marriage breakdown that ended years ago. I want to be clear that I don’t dwell on the marriage for years now. Rediscovering myself and setting goals, is about being who I was before it ended. I have had a few good friends that I leaned on during that time, and after I had gotten past it, they were still good friends.

    Things have been weird for a little while though. It seems like for the past while, I am always the one who makes contact to see if anyone wants to do something or just see how things are. The guys I am talking about worked with me at my old job for a lot of years, and we hung out, outside of work. Over the past month, I have texted both of them and neither one will respond to my messages. These are just general messages asking how their xmas was, and how they are doing. One friend I sent four messages, a week apart each time, and it’s like I never knew the guy. The last message I said that I was having a heck of a time getting a hold of him , and if he didn’t want to talk anymore, than just let me know.

    The other thing that felt funny was running into a woman at the grocery store that I was in my divorce support group with. Besides, knowing her there, we lived in the same town, and hung out completely as friends for quite a while. She started to date someone and basically shut me out after that. When I saw her there, I said hi and she said hi. I asked her how she was doing and she started talking to the woman she was with like I never said anything. It seemed immature to me. Especially considering that she is seven years older than I am.

    I’m having a tough time understanding stuff like this. I haven’t acted any different towards the people who I thought are my friends. I’m always decent and considerate to them. Even with people who I run into, that I’m no longer in connect with, I will always exchange kind words if we had a good relationship. I don’t understand how people just suddenly shut you out. I thought about the fact that they might be busy or have things going on in their lives that are bothering them. I might take heat for this but I feel that is a cop out. I always have a few minutes to be polite to someone, and if they are my friend, and I will always get back to them.

    It brings me back to dating too. I heard about people who stayed friends with people they dated, but that has never happened to me.
    I am started to feel like I am not worth the effort to maintain a friendship or relationship with. It isn’t a fun place to be.


    Hi Steve

    I’ve had similar thoughts to you about people that I called my friends, especially those that were there for me during tough times. You’d think that those people would be “true friends”, the ones that are there for you when things are tough, right? Sadly, I’ve learned that this is not necessarily so. Some people – and I used to BE one of these, I’m ashamed to say – are drawn to friendships and relationships where they need to “fix” the other person. This doesn’t come from a place of care for that person, but from their own codependent desire to be leaned on, and the feelings of validation they subsequently get.

    Secondly, I would suggest you look carefully at your relationships. Do you spend more time pursuing those who consistently reject you, trying to win them over, than you do with people who seem pleased to hear from you, and happy to be in your company? When self-esteem is low, the temptation is to think poorly of people who like you, and idolise those who don’t.

    Thidly, if all else fails, and you are continually rejected by everyone, then you may need to do some soul searching. Not that I’m saying you have either of these problems, but some people I know (and reject) are objectionable on the basis of poor personal hygiene, or expressing strong social or political views in a tactless way. I would look to the first two before concluding the second 🙂

    Wishing you well!


    Hi Anne,

    The guys I worked with were friends long before my marriage ended, so I don’t know if that “need to fix someone” would apply here. I definitely don’t pursue people who would reject my friendship. I’m not going to waste time and energy trying to make some my friend if they don’t want to be.
    Lastly, when it comes to discussions about social or political views, I don’t go heavy handed on either of them. Discussions should be discussions and I try to gain something from the other person’s point of view because everyone has something validate to say.

    Also, I don’t stink Lol. I have impeccable hygiene 🙂

    Honestly, I don’t know what it is. I try to go through life trying to be decent to the people in my life and that enter my life, and it seems like I end up spending a lot of time alone.


    Dear Steve,

    I am sorry to hear that things have been feeling this way – but hold on, i am sure its not you. It feels that way but it really isnt you. Its just life and sometimes these things happen – people move away, get into a new life situation and things become a bit distant. Maybe your friends are too occupied with their work-mates to pay attention to you – maybe they are just super occupied – whatever it is, give it some time. Regarding the lady at the store, yes her behavior must have felt so so odd but she is in a new life situation (dating after divorce), perhaps thats why the distant behavior. I would say that for now, you keep yourself busy with a routine (which i am sure you are doing) and find a new passion. I know it can be hard when it feels like everyone’s shutting us out but believe me, its not you, its just the situation to be honest and its their loss. Give it time, i am sure things will feel better and please know, that you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. It happens to all of us sometimes. Dont be too hard on yourself 🙂

    – Moon


    maybe the universe is telling you that you need a new scene…

    maybe go to a festival of some kind or a meditation retreat…

    hang out in the library where there are books you are into and see who shows up…

    You’ve probably heard this before, but Nasrudin lost a key on the walk one day
    next evening when he remembered where it was he came back to look nearby where the streetlight shined.
    His friend asks, “if you lost it over there: why are you looking under this light?”
    incredulous Nasrudin replies “because there is light over here”

    There’s only so many calls you can make. Reach out where the universe shines you a light ; P

    Sat Nam

    I love what @Raventrue said! Steve1 (I think you’re the same person who gave me the advise about meetup, not sure) life is crazy & mysterious, sending us in a million directions that are not always comfortable. I honestly think that you should create a NEW you, not try to go back to who you were before your marriage as that will never happen. You are you BECAUSE of your marriage, because of your beautiful children (since I recall you mentioned 2 boys from this marriage)…all this has been part of your journey. Ask yourself what you want to be now? And create that. Pursue people who enrich the new you you want to be. I bet when you look at this you will realize those old co-workers are not even worth another try as they most likely aren’t people who will enrich this new person you are becoming 😉 Love & light Steve1…something big is just around the corner, you just have to stop looking to the right and look to the left 😉


    A little update about my post. My one friend got a hold of me a couple of days after I posted it and was wondering when we should meet up. I guess he was super busy as a supervisor in his company and he got sidetracked. Then another friend of mine got a hold of me and when hung out one evening. I guess I should just be patient.



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