Elizabeth Wilkens-Plumley

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    Somewhat off topic but Alice Miller The Drama of the Gifted Child, is about how sometimes even in therapy, people are not supported in healthy ways. I don’t know why but that popped in my mind at your comment. She gives a nice historical context too, In I think it’s called For Your Own Good, explains how one’s parents denial leads to the child’s pain, so we relive the things that scared our grandparents the most. Fascinating. Oh and an old one called Leaving the Enchanted Forest, I always found useful too. People always recommend Beattie, but I haven’t read her. hmm, I think I’ll read these again too. Good luck.

    “Angry is just sad’s bodyguard” Liza Palmer


    Sweetie, sweetie, Alexis I was once in your place. He’s unavailable, ask yourself why you want an unavailable man or better yet ask a therapist. Suppose you do go down that road, and you beg and plead and persuade and “fight for what you want” with an addict. How are you gonna feel when he never moves beyond entry level work? when he DUI’s with your baby in the car? when he kills somebody? How are you gonna feel when your much older and you’ve never really felt loved in your relationship? When your kids have never had stability? Take care of yourself, well, and let this one go, you deserve better. On some level Boy, probably knows that.

    “There is no such thing as a soulmate…and who would want there to be? I don’t want half of a shared soul. I want my own damn soul.”

    Ely in Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List Rachel Cohn and David Levithan”
    ― Rachel Cohn, Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List


    also yoyo, I’m probably just reading my stuff into it, but worry more about how you feel, and why you do what you do
    He could be using emotional upset to control you without even knowing he’s doing it.
    I’m not criticizing just step back and say, Do I want to see that person? Do I feel okay with the way that interaction went?
    Do I feel safe/loved/nourished in this relationship? If not, then take some space for you. Good luck.

    “When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.”
    ― Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It


    You make me feel bad about my problems. I think Yue is right, you can’t stay there any longer if it’s physically making you ill. Can you go on vacation somewhere very distant or sit for a couple of days by yourself and listen to your heart. What is it that you want? It sounds like you already know you just need to give yourself permission. Do you have to stay in India? There are a lot of places in the world where it is safe to be a single woman, and certainly many places where something like a dowry would be considered grotesque. You do not literally have to sell yourself. I do not wish to offend, please forgive me if I do, but you’re educated why not live for yourself not others. Good luck.

    The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de Beauvoir


    Do you know what a left brain trapped intellectual is? Your question presupposes the existence of a correct answer to every situation. You could play with all sorts of interesting practice around this. Keep a journal:
    first day flip a coin, heads yes do it immediately, tales no let it ride
    second day flip the channel or pick up a book and read at random, use it like a fortune cookie, do whatever randomness suggests
    third day do the opposite of whatever you think you should
    fourth day reevaluate and read your journal, what FEELS most comfortable

    A therapist once strongly pointed out for me what Jeena is saying. A feeling is a nudge an intution about the correct response
    anger means “i’d rather not” “not for me”
    boredom means “myeh”
    Happiness means “pursue”

    If you get stressed after thinking of a problem, that is not Feeling, that is not your mind, or the universe, that is dysfunctional thought. Just practice letting it go or play with it. ; )

    PS my brain is on overdrive as well, try music or Khan academy!


    My father once told me he was going to kill me because I cleaned up the mess in his office. You can wait forty years, nothing will change. Everyone is right. You dodged a bullet. You’ll feel like calling, you’ll feel like texting, you’ll feel like stopping by to see how he’s doing: instead read on codependency, look up al anon, go get a pedicure. Whatever. Really you deserve to be happy. You won’t be with him.

    “Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”


    it’s late but I wanted to reply
    I studied dance for fifteen years and then had a terrible car wreck. My fitness kept me unparalyzed and alive, but, there was no more dancing. I became extremely depressed and angry (my mother was high when she broke my back). It took years, therapy (some of which was comped, alot of which came from students in internships) yoga, swimming, physical therapy. But, through all of that I learned to sit. I learned tremendous amounts about the Self, and how other people’s see the life system and it’s goals. In retrospect if I had not had that accident, I would not be me. I have three great kids, a great education, and an incredible appreciation for little stuff. I love food, dancers don’t get to eat! at all! I love movies, I love books, I spend glorious time with my Self. I feel the chi in every millimeter of my body. I’ve learned over years to push it around with my mind. I changed my religion. I moved to the other coast. I moved back and forth twice. I spent a summer in Ireland with my three year old with no money and no plans. We had a blast. Find something to do tomorrow. Something you really love. Do something every day to love yourself. It’s a long road. But, it is worth travelling.


    Be careful what you ask the universe for. The most efficient way to extinguish any response is to use it nonstop. So the most efficient way to overcome the fear of judgement would be to be ridiculed etc till it stopped hurting. It might be the only way though. When I was a little older than you, I had a child instead of finishing my PhD. My family didn’t want me to come home with her, as they are very traditional. When she was born she was deathly ill for 7 days. I stayed awake the whole time so I know. After that I had no false humility anymore. I was stripped bare. It’s not pleasant. But, maybe someone knows an easier way, I hope. I suspect though you might just have to risk it, and get judged, and see if what you want is important enough to reach for anyway.

    I also suspect if you calmly and serenely, dare I say, adultly reach for your goals you might earn some respect. If not they are not worth your time. Where do you want to teach?


    Just a few thoughts Kate. Grieving something as serious as a marriage takes at least a year, even if you are an emotional athlete. There’s a movie Blue. Painful, but brilliant. Also you’re over the hump and on the downhill now.

    Maybe you’re supposed to be in the new country and the universe just used him as a bridge. Even if you’re going through hell, you have to keep going through right or you’ll never get out. You can’t go back, ever.

    You should know I’m at twenty eight days since he left. So six months seems like you’re miles up ahead to me.

    Maybe you should have a kid. I know that’s terrible advice, but I had a kid years before I got married, and I had a tremendous since of family since then. Maybe you should adopt or just use a sperm donor, and not worry about the one till it falls on your head.

    This is really silly, but it is so much easier to live when I get to decide what’s for dinner, on the TV, what to read, if I’m going to the beach.

    Oh and one more thing someone said to me once. I was all “we were so good together, there was this time it was magic” blah, blah, blah, “how could he turn his back on that” and the response was “those were your experiences, you still have them, they didn’t go anywhere.”

    Have some more of your experiences…I’m making a full roast and veg today for me and my wee ones…what do you deserve today? What will you give yourself?

    “When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
    ― Diane Von Furstenberg


    maybe the universe is telling you that you need a new scene…

    maybe go to a festival of some kind or a meditation retreat…

    hang out in the library where there are books you are into and see who shows up…

    You’ve probably heard this before, but Nasrudin lost a key on the walk one day
    next evening when he remembered where it was he came back to look nearby where the streetlight shined.
    His friend asks, “if you lost it over there: why are you looking under this light?”
    incredulous Nasrudin replies “because there is light over here”

    There’s only so many calls you can make. Reach out where the universe shines you a light ; P


    “Honestly, i want to be away from her and maintain as much distance as possible till i feel normal around her ”

    It’s good to know what you want. You have a right to boundaries. You don’t have to be everyone’s agony aunt, (I like that phrase).

    If I am totally off base ignore me please. But, as another agony aunt, in recovery, I wonder is there maybe a substance abuse issue here. You might check out Al Anon. I for one was astonished that we are a whole species of servers raised to deal with the pain and general crazy of others. If it’s not for you that’s fine, they have some good literature too.

    I believe it was Conversations With God, i’m not sure but, somewhere I heard, “now you crave, solitude, that’s good” Now you can want your own company and your own accomplishments. I give you permission. ; )

    “To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”
    Albert Camus


    Inky, you’ve scared me to death. But, as I’ve been through this repeatedly. I’ve checked. He’s laying on his mother’s guest bed sleeping all day. It used to be a flop house where I was sure he was drinking but, just sleeping and going to AA. He certainly does need a shrink, but I’ve got him to agree to go to a Dr at least on Thursday to see if the Doctor thinks he needs a shrink. He has tried both fluoxetine and sertraline in the past and reacted really badly. I think he is scared.

    Peace, oddly enough we moved to Florida last year for exactly that reason. They have just checked his Vitamin D is still low even though we are south of the subtropic line and he is homozygous for a condition that makes him prone to alcoholism and depression.
    Your advice about men is extremely relevant. I want to respond “it’s just depressed, lumps on the couch, that bug me” but as that is his uncle, grandfather, and dad I speak of I need to find a way to appreciate what they do accomplish for his sake.

    I’m going to write some today. I saw Wild yesterday and spent half the day crying. I was in that campsite when Jerry Garcia died. LOL, its a small world. I’ll tell you guys how it went. I am still flummoxed on the whole how do you get a job, pay bills, and still have money left after childcare. And, I am still fighting for each breath. Had no idea there was so much energy trapped in my chest. But, I can write. I can barely stop myself. Love and Blessings for your responses.

    “The universe, I’d learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.”
    ― Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail


    I once felt this way. Exactly, I picked a school, started on my GRE’s and did them every day, every minute, completely obsessively. It worked. At this time, if you don’t have children and you want to go abroad to teach. Focus, make it happen, study, apply, get your certificate. It’s okay to be in your head. It’s okay to be just for you. Learn to skate, study, go fishin, what ever floats your boat, just manifest your energy to where you want to be. Good Luck.

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