In complete disbelief and misunderstanding. Please help me!

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    I know this is going to sound pathetic. I know what I must look like to you people. However, I am going to put my big girl panties on and tell you the truth. I need your help. I was recently dating an ex heroine/meth addict he quit about 5-7 years ago. he is now hooked on Pot apparently. I understand to some it can be medicinal and even a fun thing to do once in a while. HOwever, i wont go into too much detail but to me he is basically still an addict. It took me a bit of time but… Now, I know. I dated him for 3 months. he wanted me to move in with him. I refused. He really wanted me to move in with him so we could be there for one another. I refused. I began to come up with reason why not. I had VERY valid reasons. Some of which I could not tell him about bc his belief system is very different than mine. Some things that are ILLEGAL he thought he wasnt required to follow the law. So, I couldnt support the behavior nor condone it. Therefore, I wasnt moving in with him. The home is lives in is also a massive hoarding zone. I mean BAD, filthy, dirty. When I went there I felt so dirty. But, I loved this man. I loved him so very much. Something inside me said, “Its ok, go ahead” and another part of me said, “Now….. Now, wait a minute here” I began to try explaining to him my feelings little by little. The things that bothered me or felt “wrong’ to me. He would then tell me that whatever I had learned as a child were lies and wrong to have been taught such things. he would tell me there is a whole other world out there that I havent the first clue about. He put down my morals and beliefs. He then began to try reasoning and working through SOME of the issues. A major one was his pot use and the other… The cleanliness of his home and surroundings. Finally, we had a day where I was available to come help him clean up his shithole! And, honestly I didnt care. I wanted to start on a project with him that we could benefit from and grow from. I had begun to pick some things up around his bedroom.. He wasnt watching me, he didnt know Id begun to clean… Next thing I knew he was sitting on his bed watching me. I picked up some candy wrappers from Dum Dums… he said, “No! Dont throw those away theyre not trash!” While thinking in my head…. Ummmm THIS IS GARBAGE AND IM THROWING IT OUT! Of course I wasnt rude. I was as kind as I could be and explained that we really needed to begin somewhere with the things strewn all over the bedroom floor etc. Now, looking back.. I believe he had been telling me about his Dad being a hoarder but…. maybe he didnt know he was a hoarder as well… I mean I dont know.. I could be WAY off. But, after the wrapper thing.. I got frustrated bc he had some friends over who were in another room and id been under the impression we were going to be alone to work on this project. Anyway.. I ended up leaving. He was FURIOUS. He yelled at me outside his house telling me if I left to never ever come back. SO, I left and.. I figured we were in a major argument but I couldnt discuss anything bc his buddies were over. The next day he dumped me. Full on broke things off. Day after that he tells me to stop texting him because he’s moved on…. Wait… He moved on? Already? OH YES, he did. today.. Less than a week later I sent him a pic of me in a dressing room.. He replied to me by sending me a photo(half naked) of his new girlfriend in OUR bed. I mean, I never lived with him BUT to me… it was OUR bed. Now, I am crushed beyond crushed. I mean it hurts to breath! it hurts to even be alive right now. I need help. I need help! What in the heck is wrong with me? Why would someone who “Loves” me do this to me? And WHY in the world do I care about him anymore? I need someone to be on my level. Understand me. Please try to. I know I sound like an idiot. But, what is wrong with me? I must sound so pathetic. Please tell me I am going to be fine? because it feels like everything in my body and mind ACHE for him. Tell me what I should do. I promise if you take the time to help me, I will take the time to TRY.


    Hi trusttheflow,

    You dodged an abusive, crazy, manipulative bullet!! Do you know what a gift from God him “dumping” you was?

    First of all, the girl on his bed? I’m sure it was a pic from before you were together. It wouldn’t surprise me. Let’s just be clear. You not moving in with him, and leaving because he wouldn’t let you throw away trash? You dumped him, baby, and he knew it! OK, YAY!!!

    Second of all, him trying to convince you that you’re wrong because you don’t want to be around anything illegal or hazardous? Manipulative! He’s an active criminal and doesn’t take out the trash. Could it be he is trash?? You’re all “This isn’t normal, honey” and he tells you you’re crazy? Manipulative.

    Third of all, he’s crazy. He should be on Hoarders, the show. This is a mental illness. You are not qualified to deal with someone with a mental illness.

    Lastly, you deserve more than being with a drug addict who’s a hoarder. I don’t know, look out on the street, pick anyone, and I mean ANYONE, and they will probably be better than this guy.

    Praise Sweet Baby Jesus you’re Free,



    You don’t sound pathetic. In fact, he sort of reminds me of … me. I wasn’t totally addicted to pot, but I would always smoke some whenever I had the chance, even if my ex girlfriend didn’t smoke. It was horrible of me to be so dependent..okay maybe I was addicted.

    From what I understand, this was suppose to happen. This guy is causing you endless pain from the sounds of it and he doesn’t sound like he’s going to change anytime soon. HOWEVER, when he does change, if he ever does, he’ll remember the love that you gave him and how great of a partner you were to him. He’s going to have the worst revenge ever..guilt. And trust me, feeling guilty is what he’s going to feel like in the near future. His new girlfriend isn’t any better than anyone else.

    You sound wise, far from pathetic. Allow yourself to have some time to get over this jerk of a stupid. I know how it feels, go through the feelings, don’t hide what you feel. Don’t bottle it up, release it in any way you can, but odn’t hurt anyone. You’re wise to type this out and go to us for advice.

    You sound better than any girl I’ve ever met. I’m not just saying this to make you feel better.

    Exercise, go for a walk, scream in a pillow. Just don’t bottle it up. And when you feel a little better, look at yourself in the mirror and say “you forgive yourself”. And that you deserve better. And smile, I’m sure you have a beautiful smile…

    You can do it 😀


    Hi Sweetie,
    We don’t know each other but we’re sisters just the same. I’m on the other path you didn’t choose when you listened to your gut feelings. I live with ‘that’ man, in stacks of ‘precious’ filth that cannot be disturbed, grow and spread until I have no place of my own, not even the bathroom to find quiet, calm and peace… and troublesome me that needs to be controlled for the last 7 years. I’m trapped, stuck, lost and with a seemingly impossible task to get myself free. Just last night I’d built up the strength to tell him we are separating and yet still somehow today I’m the crazy, irrational one still stuck… but you and I both need to remember- that is manipulative, controlling behavior and your true feelings are not crazy or irrelevant. Him breaking up with you and sending you that picture was his only way of hurting you.
    If you want the advice of someone who took the other path- cut it off. find other friends, find other things to do- work on yourself and work on loving yourself. No need to text someone who has nothing to offer you, at all. be done. find something else to do to replace all of him. in retrospect I’d take being alone the rest of my life just to get away.
    You think he dumped you, but all he has done is to lash out when he perceived you rejected him and his way of being. Those candy wrappers will always be more important than you. That other girl in his bed will be sorry and crying if she isn’t already- just like you, just like me. He, and my man- will congratulate themselves on manipulating us and hurting us; all while never ‘feeling’ anything themselves.
    Please count yourself as lucky, educate yourself on patterns and why we pick the people we do, or neither one of us will ever do any better.
    Good luck! RUN, don’t walk- to better places for you. LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE! You cannot save anyone else, fix anyone else or solve their issues… all you can do is care for yourself and live with integrity.
    You are loved, your internal feelings are correct, your instincts are the voice of God and your only true guidance. I only wish I’d listened to my gut feelings before losing so many years.


    My father once told me he was going to kill me because I cleaned up the mess in his office. You can wait forty years, nothing will change. Everyone is right. You dodged a bullet. You’ll feel like calling, you’ll feel like texting, you’ll feel like stopping by to see how he’s doing: instead read on codependency, look up al anon, go get a pedicure. Whatever. Really you deserve to be happy. You won’t be with him.

    “Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”



    I had to respond to you before I was able to read the other posts. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. This one single post made a HUGE difference to me. Thank you for your message of reassurance and even a bit of laughter too. I am actually smiling as I write this. 🙂



    Knowing you are a man responding to this is a very big deal for me. I have often struggled with relationships. I love men. However, I have had very few successful relationships with men. Beginning with my own Dad. I was recently sent a sweet video of a man preparing for a date it showed all of his steps of getting ready etc. He goes to knock on the door of the house where his date lives and the person who answers the door is his Daughter! He took his 3-4 year old daughter on her VERY first date. This was such a powerful message to me, I feel as though this should have been me and my dad.. I WISH my Dad had taken me out on a date as a child!!! I wish he had an intention to make me feel the way a REAL MAN should make a girl feel. Unfortunately, I and many other girls didn’t get to experience that type of thing. I have forgiven so much thats happened in life, moved on, etc. The thing that is still engraved in my head is the way my Dad treated me, as if my feelings didnt ever matter, and whatever the man asks for-you better hop to it, and keep your mouth SHUT. Maybe somehow thats the same way I have chosen guys for myself. And, now… Am I fighting back?!?! Is this progress..? Hmm.. Now I have more to think about. Thank you for your message. I dont thank you for JUST this message but for the questions that it brought to mind for me. Thank you (:



    Thank you for this perspective. I hadnt thought of it that way at all! I was the one wanting to stay and help clean up the mess! Will you please read both of my previous responses. Those are for you now as well. Im going to need to re read all of these responses before all of this can sink in as I need them to. Deep down in the depths of my soul. I will be going and doing some meditation again today. I wish you all the best. And I hope you know… I will be thinking of you, hoping and praying for you, and loving you from where I am. Thank you for your beautiful message to me. <3



    WOW. That was an incredible message and the quote… Im posting it on my sticky notes on my computer! That was short but oooo so very sweet and meaningful. You are a wonderful person. Thank you!


    Wow! I applaud your honesty and courage to post your story! You sound like such a strong woman .. I wish I’d been as strong. I’m another one of those women who stayed with a guy that was abusive and manipulative. I didn’t do it for a little while – no – I’ve been married for 35 years to this person. I raised 4 daughters, worked to support the family (he hasn’t supported the family in years and years) and put up with his crazy-making behaviour for all those years. I suspect he has mental health issues and sometimes I feel guilty, but honestly, I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to help him. I’ve kept this family going when he wouldn’t. Sometimes I think I’m the crazy one. How can I feel guilty for not fixing this relationship when I’m the only one doing all the work. Anyway .. we’re separated now, but living in the same house. How crazy is that? I feel stuck, paralyzed actually. I don’t know why. I’m a professional. I’m educated. But I’m paralyzed.

    Thank the universe for giving you an opportunity to detach from that sick relationship. You seem to be gaining insight into why you end up with the same type of guy. So keep on working on yourself. Really .. at the end of the day .. I think the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship of all. Only after we fix ourselves can we hope to have a healthy relationship with someone else. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. Don’t even waste another minute thinking of what could’ve been with that guy. He’s a loser and doesn’t deserve a courageous, kind-hearted, loving woman like you.

    Sending you a great big hug and lots of love, my sister.


    Oh, man, you dodged several bullets there…..the hoarding thing, the illegal activity thing, the manipulation and finally, dum dum dum…..

    There are probably used needles in those piles he lives among and you don’t know who used them and their blood status.

    You are doing just fine and moving in the right direction.


    Ok just a question Trusttheflow. I’ve read your post, others replies, your posts back…all the while as I’m reading this story I feel like there is something missing. Something , something doesn’t seem right. You have been seeing a guy whom I will guess you met randomly (btw I’m a guy which makes this even more interesting) and after 3 months he asked you to move in. All pretty normal so far. Then a few things…he an ex heroine/ with a chaser of meth, addict. Now he is only smoking pot. Pot…not really an issue. So I’m imagining the guy at this point. Picturing the scenario. Then the comment about a world out there you don’t know. Probably is. And then finally the kicker with the hoarding. The dum dum wrapper, was there at least a small portion of a dum dum inside? Lastly… You left because you were uncomfortable about something. He told you IF you did it was over. Well indeed he meant it, the topper being the pic of a gf in your bed.

    Ok my question… And you were attracted to ….WHAT about him? What am I missing. It seems like your pretty upset so what was it about this guy that made you border on going over to his dark side, from your ( from what it sounds like) clean, bright, respectable life. Is it the bad boy attraction?
    Someone above said he did you a favor… Ok that’s a bit of an understatement. He handed you you life back on a golden platter. You should be doing cartwheels all the way down your street screaming thank you God.

    Look at why you were attracted to him. Even the drugs, and the hoarding…those are a sickness. It can happen to good caring people. I know a few. BUT the picture he sent. That is classless, shows his vindictiveness and his piece of shit personality.

    I have been in bad breakups, in fact just finished a divorce. I’ve been so pissed off at my ex that I wanted to drive off a bridge(her with me of course). But …seriously my friend, he wanted to hurt you as bad as he could, he wanted you to feel pain and agony. Doesn’t this mean something to you?

    I wish you the best. I hope maybe a word or 2 May have made you stop and think.


    Hi, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time (and bravery) to write your post. It helped me so much that I created an account on this site just to thank you!
    I’m struggling with a broken heart too…and like you, I know intellectually it’s for the best. But my ex announced he had a new girlfriend just a week after we broke up too…and that is the part I am having so much trouble getting past. It makes me feel like nothing between us was authentic; that he could just easily replace me with someone else in his bed and in his life. I feel like I’ll never be able to trust my feelings again. Because I really believed he loved me and that I was special (Mostly because he told me this ALL the time!). I feel manipulated and stupid. Even as he broke up with me, he told me he loved me with all of his heart but he just wasn’t ready. And then all of a sudden the following week, he WAS ready?! But with someone else. Ugh. I know I am better off. I know I “dodged an emotionally unavailable bullet.” But it is still such a slap in the face and the pain is real.
    Anyway, thank you again for your openness and honesty. I was searching around and found your post…I also found this article which you also might find helpful. It seems pretty spot on…(except for the Girlfriend part 🙂
    (Hugs) We will be better by Spring! Everything just takes time…


    Well, its been a few days. You all made me realize how my behavior in many past “toxic” relationships where I have felt dumped were truly ME pushing so hard for so long to fight back that these people finally realized they wouldn’t have it their way so they “Dump” me. Ha. its kind of funny and not at the same time. Its like a protective mechanism. Hmm.. Why don’t I use that upon entry to these catastrophic relationships? I know deep down don’t I? Fight denial? Want to accept them… Because I would want to be accepted for my flaws too? Except… Why do I think so low of myself to date garbage like this, why do I treat myself as if I am so unworthy? Where in the hell did all of this come from? Do I really view myself this bad? Am I deserving of this? Am I punishing myself? WOW. Ive got a ton to think about STILL! Obviously, these are questions that have been triggered by your helpful posts. These are things that I really do need to take a good HARD look at and “forgive myself” and “forgive those who trespass against us” (them). I have meditated, taken a 3 hour walk through the woods, and sat in silence, read a bit, and talked to a few close friends and my big sister. I am sitting here now feeling alone. Trying to pass the time.. wondering wth I need to do next. You people have blessed my life. More than you will ever really know. More than you may ever understand. Your kindness- brings me to tears at how much a person can truly love a complete stranger. Thank you so very much. Namaste.


    I know that some people above said that pot isn’t a big deal, but when you’re an addict…. you should be staying away from ALL of it, even alcohol. This is coming from someone who’s had issues with substance abuse in the past and has some time sober. It doesn’t make me all mighty and awesome, but I can definitely see why he is the way he is. Sometimes if people don’t find constructive things to do after they’ve given up an addiction, they find other things to replace… such as the hoarding. Such as the pot smoking. Such as a woman. It was something else that still eased him away from his pain. I’m not justifying his behavior at all. It sounds like he was still suffering, despite giving up the hard drugs. Unfortunately, you were a bystander in this. He still had addict tendencies like manipulating you and making you feel guilty for things you didn’t even do. It will happen for the untreated mental aspect of addiction. He won’t be able to endure a healthy relationship until he works on himself…and it sounds like he has A LOT of work to do. As for you, don’t be upset that you were with someone like him. Perhaps you saw hope, you enjoyed his company… and of course people don’t always end up as they seem during the initial beginning together. As hurt as you may seem, it is for the best that you are not together. You seem like a really nice person. I would definitely take this time for yourself to heal and prioritize what is that you would like out of life. He will heal when he’s ready to heal.

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