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Nikita

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  • #76548
    Nikita
    Participant

    Funny that I came across your posting .. but I’m at the same place now. I’m a mom too, but my children are grown and moving on with their lives. Today’s mother’s day and it was a tough day. It only underscored for me how that part of my life – a life that I loved – is finished. Part of the issue is that I’m separating from my husband too. Which is a good thing. I spent 35 years in an abusive relationship. Why I ask myself? And the answer … for my children. To give them a semblance of a “normal” life. I was too busy working and trying to keep everything together for them. And now I feel like I’ve been left behind in the dust. They have partners and jobs and lives which is how it should be. I have 4 daughters and all I ever wanted was for them to be independent. And so they are. So what do I do now? Lay down and die? Nahhhh … I’m free now to pursue whatever I want to do. I’m just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I’ll take some time to just sit. Hopefully meditate. And wait for these feelings to pass.

    Thinker, you’ve asked some really good questions about the meaning of life. My answer is to keep questioning and to keep searching for that special something that lights a spark in your life. Don’t settle! There’s always something left to “accomplish” .. but that something doesn’t have to be related to money. What do you like to do when you’re not doing all those things society tells us we have to do? Sing? Paint? Dance? Play music? Work with people? Travel? Question .. always question .. that’s the only way you’ll find an answer.

    Much love and peace to you and all those who continue to search for life’s meaning.

    #73267
    Nikita
    Participant

    Will, I like how you describe this behaviour as “bad mental habits”. I agree that we all choose our paths but I don’t understand how some people can constantly blame others. Of course, we all do this from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, it’s just so debilitating. Blaming others puts them very much in a victim role which then becomes a sad cycle they can never escape b/c it’s always someone else’s fault.

    In the end it all boils down to one thing: people will change when THEY want to change. And they need to want to change for themselves. For family and friends, it’s torture watching people battle the demons of depression … but I’ve learned that the more we try to pressure them to get help, the more they resist. CBT and EFT are very effective treatments – but only if the person wants to do it. When they’re ready to listen, to hear, to activate change for themselves, it’s amazing what can happen. So don’t lose hope for your friend. Peace.

    #73137
    Nikita
    Participant

    Hey guys, I just want to let you know that I’m on my way to getting free of this toxic situation. I feel stronger and more able to do this now. It’s been baby steps all the way, but I can feel some movement in the right direction now – and funny enough, the universe is really conspiring to help me out πŸ™‚ I went to the bank last week to start separating my account from his and to find out about financing options if I want to get my own place. The woman helping me was an angel. We spent 2 hours going over my options. I had to open up new accounts in my name only – and let me tell you – that was truly liberating!! I’ve been the one to work and support the house, the children, and him for over 20 years. He’s worked on and off but he hasn’t contributed financially to the household in years. I’ve done all the banking – paying bills, saving for RRSPs, etc. He just sat back like a child. Anyway, don’t want to go down that road. I want to look forward. I can actually see a light now at the end of the tunnel. He’s gone to a lawyer to find out his rights and the lawyer fed him some story that he’s entitled to half of everything, in addition to spousal support and my pension, etc. The reason he gave is that he stayed home to take care of the children while I worked. hahahahaha .. reality? I had 2 full-time jobs – one that I was paid for and the other one when I came home – taking care of shopping, children, laundry, paying the bills etc… I hope this isn’t going to be a long drawn out battle b/c he’s still living in the house and it’s awkward but I feel ready now. I’m going to find myself a lawyer and get support. I think that’s the key. All these years, I tried to do it on my own and it exhausted me. I went to counselors and doctors and priests and it didn’t really help b/c they were telling me what I already knew – there’s nothing I can do for him. He has to do it himself.

    Well, thanks for listening and for your advice and comforting words. Truly … I love my Tiny Buddha pals πŸ™‚

    #73135
    Nikita
    Participant

    Ivan, Everyone on this forum is truly kind! What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change. Believe me. Let me share my own story. I’m married to a man who is exactly as you describe here. He has always blamed others for his own misery .. it’s been my fault that he can’t find a job, it’s my mother’s fault that his marriage is breaking down, it’s the children’s fault that he’s depressed … I could go on and on – the list is endless. Rarely have I ever heard him say, “It’s my fault.” This man is 56 years old. We got married at 21 and there were signs even then, but I figured he would change as he growed and matured. No. I believe this behaviour does stem from childhood trauma – but until he’s ready and willing to face it and battle it, there’s nothing anyone else can do. We’ve been married 35 years, I’ve raised 4 daughters and him. He’s my fifth child and the most difficult to deal with. My girls are grown and living independently. They’re intelligent, confident and can deal with life on their own. I feel I did the best I could with them. As for him, we’re in the process of separating. Of course, he blames me for the breakdown of the marriage. I’ve tried and tried to reason with him, but there’s no use. Everything is my fault in his eyes. I’m done with him. I’ve been to doctors, lawyers, priests and counselors – all in an effort to help this man – but the more I do, the less he does. And that’s the core of the problem. Your girlfriend can’t ‘DO’ anything for her brother .. she can listen to him when he acts up, but the kindest thing to do is to just leave him be. He’ll have to figure it out for herself. I wish you both well. You sound like a very sensitive, supportive boyfriend – be patient with her. She loves her brother and wants the best for him .. but she needs to step away.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Nikita.
    #71708
    Nikita
    Participant

    Wow! I applaud your honesty and courage to post your story! You sound like such a strong woman .. I wish I’d been as strong. I’m another one of those women who stayed with a guy that was abusive and manipulative. I didn’t do it for a little while – no – I’ve been married for 35 years to this person. I raised 4 daughters, worked to support the family (he hasn’t supported the family in years and years) and put up with his crazy-making behaviour for all those years. I suspect he has mental health issues and sometimes I feel guilty, but honestly, I’ve done my best. I’ve tried to help him. I’ve kept this family going when he wouldn’t. Sometimes I think I’m the crazy one. How can I feel guilty for not fixing this relationship when I’m the only one doing all the work. Anyway .. we’re separated now, but living in the same house. How crazy is that? I feel stuck, paralyzed actually. I don’t know why. I’m a professional. I’m educated. But I’m paralyzed.

    Thank the universe for giving you an opportunity to detach from that sick relationship. You seem to be gaining insight into why you end up with the same type of guy. So keep on working on yourself. Really .. at the end of the day .. I think the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship of all. Only after we fix ourselves can we hope to have a healthy relationship with someone else. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. Don’t even waste another minute thinking of what could’ve been with that guy. He’s a loser and doesn’t deserve a courageous, kind-hearted, loving woman like you.

    Sending you a great big hug and lots of love, my sister.

    #70575
    Nikita
    Participant

    Blessing for my gratitude buddies πŸ™‚ I never make resolutions b/c I never keep them, but here’s one 1 WANT to keep – I’m going to find 3 things to be grateful for every day.

    I’m grateful for the unexpected gifts from the universe. The other day I went to the mall just to distract myself from myh thoughts. Went to get something to eat and there was a bookstore close by, so I just went in to check it out. I found a book, The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer. I’ve been glued to the book ever since (well, at least when I’m not surfing through my favourite Tiny Buddha site). It talks about how we can find inner peace and freedom .. and how it all starts with us. Thank you to the universe for helping me further my spiritual growth and understanding.

    I’m grateful for small blessings … a smile from a stranger, coffee πŸ™‚ and music.

    I’m grateful for silence and peace, even if it comes at a price of letting go of a hurtful, damaged relationship.

    There .. I feel better πŸ™‚ What an awesome experience. To just sit quietly and be able to embrace my life .. the good, the bad and the ugly. Definitely Different.

    #70177
    Nikita
    Participant

    I want to add my own wishes for a happy new year for all .. and to share some of my gratitudes.

    I’m grateful for a strong and courageous heart that’s taken me from hell and back.
    I’m grateful for a wonderful career that is satisfying and rewarding.
    I’m grateful for a great group of people that I work with. They make my sadness go away and bring laughter and friendship into my life.
    I’m grateful for my long-time friend, Sue, who’s there for me – no matter if I’ve messed up or not.
    I’m ever so grateful for Tiny Buddha. You guys have been an oasis of comfort and inspiration in my darkness

    We may never meet, but know that you’ve touched my heart in so many ways. Wishing you all peace and joy in 2015 πŸ™‚

    #69917
    Nikita
    Participant

    Wow, Kim,that was beautiful. It so describes what I’m experiencing and what I’d like to experience. I’ve been realizing that I live a lot of my life in fear. On the outside it doesn’t look like it. I have a great job, a house, a family, but at the end of the day, when I look at my life, I’ve been one big mass of fear. I’ve been married for over 30 years to a man who’s been very emotionally abusive .. and I took it! I’m just realizing this now. What do you call it when I’m scared to be late coming home b/c I know he’s going to start accusing me of cheating on him. Or he’ll accuse me of “abandoning” him when I go anywhere. He just wants to sit at home, eat and drink and sleep .. and I have to stay with him.

    I’m just so tired of it. We’ve withdrawn from each other and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I feel like I’m waking up from this awful nightmare. I’ve just lived in this crazy reality for so long .. always scared and anxious that he’ll get mad and make my life a living hell. I read so many spiritual books, do yoga, practice mindfulness … just to keep sane. I need to find out who I am. I lost myself in trying to please him and my family. I’m constantly withdrawing from them and just going through the motions.

    This is why I LOVE your advice about building relationships with people “who accept you just the way you are.” I think the first relationship I need to build is with myself. I can do this now! I’m tired of being scared!

    #69915
    Nikita
    Participant

    You’re absolutely right .. I know I need to leave. I know it to the depth of my soul. I think I can finally see how my staying is enabling them to continue hurting themselves. By just being here I’m allowing them to depend on me and not on themselves. They .. well .. at least my husband .. he can sit around and blame me for all the problems in his life. If I’m out of it, he may take control of his own life. Right .. and pigs will learn to fly. Who am I kidding? He’ll still blame me for all the problems, but at least I’ll have a little sanity. And that’s putting on my own oxygen mask.

    Thanks xWhy!

    #68904
    Nikita
    Participant

    Drikken, thank you so much. It helped immensely!! Funny coincidence (do you believe there are no coincidences??) .. I have been reading Tolle and I’ve read about being an observer, a neutral party. Actually, I was reflecting on one of his quotes just a few minutes ago: β€œWisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” Wow! Then I read your words and I guess the universe is sending me a message – loud and clear.

    I appreciate so much you sharing your story with me .. from a different perspective. You’ve pinpointed my anxiety so well – I feel so helpless just standing by and watching,and yet I know that if I push my daughter to get “help”, she pushes back even worse. One of her favorite lines is, “I’m NOT crazy.” I’ve tried so hard to get through to her that I don’t think she’s crazy, but her moods are SO intense and I think they scare her too. I’ll try to back off and just trust that the universe will sort this out. ??? I don’t get it, but I’ll try it.

    Take care of yourself and thanks so much for hearing me.

    #68903
    Nikita
    Participant

    Hi Lauren, I hear your pain. I’m sitting here right now all tied up in knots over a situation I’m stuck in, so I’m trying to get myself “rebooted”. One thing that I’ve tried and that works for me – as long as I stick to it – is to sing. Believe it or not, it’s as simple as that. But it has to be a short, simple song that I can focus on while I’m still doing other things. One of my favorites — “You are my sunshine, my little sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, pls. don’t take my sunshine away.” Visualize while you sing and “feel” the words of the song. I like to picture that I’m singing this song to my spirit .. the observer who guides me and keeps me strong. I let myself “feel” the warmth of my soul smiling back at me .. and holding my hand with love and comfort. It works for me as long as I focus and b-r-e-a-t-h-e slowly.

    Hope it works for you. Take care of yourself, my friend.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)