November 30, 2014 at 5:48 am #68564
I’m sitting here reaching out to other souls who might understand. I’ve been thinking and thinking and I need to turn it off! I’m stuck in a situation that’s very difficult – I have a husband whose depressed and won’t admit it and won’t go for help. He sits at home day after day, alone, reading, writing, going to the gym. That’s the extent of his life. He hasn’t worked in years and yet there’s no physical reason why not. He simply gave up looking b/c he can’t find the job he wants. When I try to talk to him about it, he just turns me off. Then, there’s my daughter. 20 yrs old and she just dropped out of her 3rd yr of university. The first 2 years she had an 80% avg. and this year she just couldn’t handle the program. I agreed that she should withdraw b/c it was affecting her health and sanity .. now I’m thinking it was the other way around. It was her sanity that was affecting her schooling. In any case, she won’t go for any help either. So the 3 of us sit in this house, each of us in our own world, not daring to interact b/c if we do, it becomes a tempest of tempers! I’m exhausted by it all,so that’s why I need to switch off the thinking. I was recently talking to a counselor who gave me a technique to calm down and stay centred and I’m trying to use it. She told me to “ride the wave” of emotion. Watch and feel the emotions arise .. like the feeling of helplessness that I have now. Watch it arise and see where you feel it in your body. Well, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and in my lungs. From powerlessness I can feel it switch to fear and panic. I’m so scared that things will get worse .. this is the worst my life has felt .. maybe ever. So watch that feeling .. and if I just focus on breathing and letting go, that feeling should go away. The problem is that it doesn’t go away. How can the feeling go away when my environment is the same? The people around me are dark and negative. I feel like I’m drowning. Sorry for the negativity but I feel so alone on this journey of emotional mastery.November 30, 2014 at 1:19 pm #68577DrikkenParticipant
I’ve been in that boat except at the other end, first off I’m going to recommend taking a look at a few of Eckhart Tolle’s videos or perhaps books, he sure thought me a thing or two on how to deal with all my problems, especially those of the mind. When I was younger I suffered from consistent negative thinking aka self inflicted Depression, I considered suicide on numerous occasion throughout my teen years but thankfully I got better thanks to people like Alan Watts which basically teaches the same sort of stuff as Eckhart. Secondly the fact that you’ve been emotionally effected by this which isn’t always a bad thing in moderation, all I know is when I was sick my mother wouldn’t leave me alone, she kept on about how I wasn’t right and how I needed help, it made me feel even worse and made me not want to get help. It can seem like a double-bind from where you standing, you might say “I can’t just leave it” or “I need to take some action” and your somewhat correct but their is a line between effective help and forcing help upon someone, I can understand how difficult it might be to stay emotionally stable when your loved ones are suffering but it’s absolutely necessary you do just that, otherwise you’ll only end up adding to the problem. Eckhart Tolle will show you how to become the observer and the neutral party opposed to getting caught up in all the negativity. I hope this helped you or at least pointed you in the general direction of help.December 8, 2014 at 7:26 am #68904
Drikken, thank you so much. It helped immensely!! Funny coincidence (do you believe there are no coincidences??) .. I have been reading Tolle and I’ve read about being an observer, a neutral party. Actually, I was reflecting on one of his quotes just a few minutes ago: “Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” Wow! Then I read your words and I guess the universe is sending me a message – loud and clear.
I appreciate so much you sharing your story with me .. from a different perspective. You’ve pinpointed my anxiety so well – I feel so helpless just standing by and watching,and yet I know that if I push my daughter to get “help”, she pushes back even worse. One of her favorite lines is, “I’m NOT crazy.” I’ve tried so hard to get through to her that I don’t think she’s crazy, but her moods are SO intense and I think they scare her too. I’ll try to back off and just trust that the universe will sort this out. ??? I don’t get it, but I’ll try it.
Take care of yourself and thanks so much for hearing me.December 10, 2014 at 1:12 am #69033xWhyParticipant
You need to leave. Let them know that you will always be there for them if they choose to get help, but that you cannot and will not do it for them. If you stay, you will become them. Take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask on before helping others. You are enabling them to continue hurting themselves. Stop it. You may loose them, but it will not be your fault. If you stay, you will lose them, and it will be your fault. They need to hit bottom before you can help them stand up again. And it’s not tough love, it’s real love. Tough love is just manipulation. Good luck!December 29, 2014 at 5:53 am #69915
You’re absolutely right .. I know I need to leave. I know it to the depth of my soul. I think I can finally see how my staying is enabling them to continue hurting themselves. By just being here I’m allowing them to depend on me and not on themselves. They .. well .. at least my husband .. he can sit around and blame me for all the problems in his life. If I’m out of it, he may take control of his own life. Right .. and pigs will learn to fly. Who am I kidding? He’ll still blame me for all the problems, but at least I’ll have a little sanity. And that’s putting on my own oxygen mask.
Thanks xWhy!December 29, 2014 at 7:42 am #69921BobParticipant
Before you lose your sanity or give up completely, you need to take yourself out of this environment. The law of gravity works exceedingly well in life conditions such as yours, Your husband and daughter will pull you DOWN quicker than you can ever dream of pulling UP your loved ones. When you walk or run out that door, do not for any reason stop or look back just keep going.
The bottom line is that there is help for your husband and daughter, but it will not knock your door down to reveal itself. Until they want it or go looking for help, they will only perish and wade in their own misery.
So I want to encourage you to RUN, do not walk and free yourself. My best to you.February 22, 2015 at 7:28 am #73137
Hey guys, I just want to let you know that I’m on my way to getting free of this toxic situation. I feel stronger and more able to do this now. It’s been baby steps all the way, but I can feel some movement in the right direction now – and funny enough, the universe is really conspiring to help me out 🙂 I went to the bank last week to start separating my account from his and to find out about financing options if I want to get my own place. The woman helping me was an angel. We spent 2 hours going over my options. I had to open up new accounts in my name only – and let me tell you – that was truly liberating!! I’ve been the one to work and support the house, the children, and him for over 20 years. He’s worked on and off but he hasn’t contributed financially to the household in years. I’ve done all the banking – paying bills, saving for RRSPs, etc. He just sat back like a child. Anyway, don’t want to go down that road. I want to look forward. I can actually see a light now at the end of the tunnel. He’s gone to a lawyer to find out his rights and the lawyer fed him some story that he’s entitled to half of everything, in addition to spousal support and my pension, etc. The reason he gave is that he stayed home to take care of the children while I worked. hahahahaha .. reality? I had 2 full-time jobs – one that I was paid for and the other one when I came home – taking care of shopping, children, laundry, paying the bills etc… I hope this isn’t going to be a long drawn out battle b/c he’s still living in the house and it’s awkward but I feel ready now. I’m going to find myself a lawyer and get support. I think that’s the key. All these years, I tried to do it on my own and it exhausted me. I went to counselors and doctors and priests and it didn’t really help b/c they were telling me what I already knew – there’s nothing I can do for him. He has to do it himself.
Well, thanks for listening and for your advice and comforting words. Truly … I love my Tiny Buddha pals 🙂