January 20, 2015 at 4:10 am #71671siaParticipant
Hello everyone. .
I need suggestions for this. I am a doctor, I recently passed my specialisation exam. I studied the 3 year course in a neighbourhood state, in a city( chennai) where the people,language everything is foreign. It was very difficult, exhausting to stay put for three long years as part of the course and in the end it took two more years and a lot of struggle to finally pass the exam. It was exhausting because I have no one around who is studying the same course, and also no one to talk to at all. I tried to make new friends but simply our languages never match. People here are very judgemental, hostile. Also, the weather is so harsh, hot and humid that 10 months of a year, I feel sick, my skin breaks out, I also have tummy problems, extreme fluctuations in weight, hair fall, back pain, depression, irritability, and many many more. When I am in that city, I feel like I am moving around with huge weights tied to my shoulders. Passing this exam, for which I waited 5 long years does not make me happy. But according to my parents this place is safe for single women compared to all other cities in India. . So they want me to get a job in this place and stay back till I get married. I am now 32 years old, never married, there are no signs of any prospective match right now, my parents are searching in matrimonial sites, etc.. but I don’t get the feeling that someone would marry me at all. Previously families we approached for marriage just sign off without any good reason, but I think they wanted more dowry. Now people are rejecting me saying they are looking for a younger bride even if the guy is 32 to 36 years old. My problem is that I am longing for a place I can call my home, my own place, but am not able to decide which one it is. There is another city( hyderabad) in my own state where they speak my language, I have a bunch (5 to 10 people ) of old colleagues, although all of them are now married and have kids, I may get to see them at least once in a month. So in both cities, I would be staying alone. This city allegedly is not as safe as the previous one for single women. I do have job opportunities in both of these places, but I need to stay put in one place to build up my practice. should I put a hold on my wish for a sane, normal life till I get married? What if I never get a chance to leave this place at all? What if no one want to marry me?
I studied 14 hrs a day to pass this exam so that I might get a chance to leave this city. I was scared that one more summer in this city, I may get some serious illness like connective tissue disorders or cancer because of this stress.
I cannot disobey my parents especially my mother, we are clinging to each other as we are recovering from decades of physical and mental violence by my father and his family. She says work here for 2 more months.. but I don’t want to. At the same time, I think I can stay in any place for any time for her happiness. Is this fear about being single rational?
Sorry for such a long post and thank you for reading this.. even after writing it here, my so confused.. and so scared to take the first step. Where should I join?January 20, 2015 at 2:37 pm #71705YueParticipant
Reading what you wrote reminded me of this quote:
” A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for”
If you are feeling so unhappy that physical illness started to manifest, it’s an indication that everything within you is rebelling against the idea of staying in chennai. Coming from a Asian background myself, I can understand the pressure of meeting parental expectations and their obession on external achievements. The idea of “put off what makes you happy now so you can have a good job, buy a nice house and marry someone successful” was a constant theme for me whilst growing up and it wasn’t until last year that I realised no matter how many milestones I’ve achieved, I was still unhappy because I’ve been leading the life that my parents want rather than the one that I want. Granted, I still believe that our parents had our best interes at heart, it’s just that the world is a different place now and their set of values no longer apply to the life that I want to lead.
The truth is, things like career, material goods and marriage are not going to make you happy unless you are passionate about it. How long can you stay passionate about your practice when you have communication barriers with your patients? How many times can you come back to an empty house you own before the feeling of lonliness consumes you? How can you meet the love of your life when you are unhappy and riddle with health problems?
My sgugestion to you is to have an open and honest discussion with your mother and tell her how you feel about this. Bottom line is, this is your life and though you respect her opinion, it’s your life and you are going to make a decision that doesn’t endanger your health. It’s going to be hard and I wish you all the best.January 20, 2015 at 6:32 pm #71711Elizabeth Wilkens-PlumleyParticipant
You make me feel bad about my problems. I think Yue is right, you can’t stay there any longer if it’s physically making you ill. Can you go on vacation somewhere very distant or sit for a couple of days by yourself and listen to your heart. What is it that you want? It sounds like you already know you just need to give yourself permission. Do you have to stay in India? There are a lot of places in the world where it is safe to be a single woman, and certainly many places where something like a dowry would be considered grotesque. You do not literally have to sell yourself. I do not wish to offend, please forgive me if I do, but you’re educated why not live for yourself not others. Good luck.
The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams. ~Simone de BeauvoirJanuary 22, 2015 at 3:21 am #71779siaParticipant
Dear yue and raven true,
Thanks a lot for your response. Yes, I did talk to her yesterday, she says to stay back for two more months and if nothing comes up, I shall shift if I would still want to. I too know the answer that all I want to do is escape from that place. ShAll stay and make another attempt on another day. But I wanted you to know that I am very much thankful to you people for your words. You gave me the affirmation I needed. ShAll try again.