Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Being too lenient
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jdkm.
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June 20, 2015 at 5:31 am #78506
jdkmParticipantI keep reading posts about how to not be a perfectionist, how we should not be so hard on ourselves etc – posts which were invaluable to me as I was healing from a devestating break up. However, right now I feel that I’ve gone too easy on myself, and there comes a point when I should stop excusing my actions. I feel right now I keep crossing a line – over and over and that I should stop excusing myself and start being harder on myself about it. This mainly relates to my behaviour with guys and meaningless flings I think I’ve started over indulging in.
I mainly needed to get this off my chest, so thank you tinybuddha community once again for taking the time to read about my thoughts.
June 20, 2015 at 6:13 am #78508
InkyParticipantHi jdkm,
So let’s say you’re on a diet. But you go to an event, have a bite of birthday cake, and beat yourself up. That’s what they mean by “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” They don’t mean buying a Carvel cake and eating it all in one sitting on purpose!
But you’re not on a diet, you’re not a bad person, you don’t have a goal. You have gone through a break up! Even if you feel you should be “over it”, it is SO common to sleep around after one! Kind of proving to yourself that you’ve still “got it”.
I’m not sure why we have meaningless flings ~ probably a deed seated fear of being alone.
“Don’t judge anyone, not even yourself.”
Next time say to the guy, “I don’t go home with anyone unless there’s a commitment.” Be brave. If he leaves for sure it will re-trigger the feelings you had during the breakup. But don’t even get to that point. You are OK on your own AND a gift for any man.
Blessings,
Inky
June 20, 2015 at 6:26 am #78511
AnonymousGuestDear jdkm:
What do you mean by being harder on yourself. Whether you should be harder on yourself depends on what you mean by it, what forms of thinking this being hard on yourself means…? Sure, you should stop ineffective and especially harmful behaviors. You should stop harmful behaviors ASAP, for example behaviors leading to pregnancies &/ or STDs. This is more serious than a small boo-boo, bigger consequences, not to mention the emotional harm to you. So, how do you stop it- think of what ways you can stop these behaviors short term and long term, stop the bleeding first, so to speak and then aim for long term solutions and healing…
anitaJune 20, 2015 at 6:39 am #78512jdkmParticipantThank you both for replying!
Anita, I agree about the possible consequences of this being quite serious, but in this regard I have always been very careful, and will continue to be.
You both raise valid points. However a commitment is not an option right now as I’m in a situation where we’re all going away in a few months (we’re postgraduate students in an international university). I don’t think there is anything bad with sleeping around if you’re careful, no one is otherwise committed and intentions are made clear at the start.
My main concern has been because I feel like I’ve started craving that meaningless connection a bit too much or too often with anyone (as long as I like them physically). What I meant by saying I should be harder on myself is that I spent a lot of time working on being nice to myself, accepting imperfection, learning to love myself etc after the break up, and learnt to justify most of my actions as long as I don’t hurt anybody else, but now I feel maybe i’ve gone a bit too far and should justify less.
The answer is probably right that I should just stop like you said, but it’s turning out to not be that easy – especially as since I said, commitment is not an option right now.
Thanks again for the time you took to read this.
JDJune 20, 2015 at 6:31 pm #78530
MattParticipantJD,
In keeping with the cake metaphor, consider that when you know cake is available, you might rush through the salad or not eat it at all. This leads to an upset stomach. We need salad, cake is a sweet option.
More directly, sexual joy is a bright light, flashy, absorbing, an escape. However, its the light of self nurturing that actually moves us toward happiness. Perhaps as you’ve been having some flings, you’ve not been taking the quiet time you need to process your experiences? To find and open up the quiet warm space inside you?
Most self indulgent behavior stems from this basic root. A sludgy feeling that goes away with a peak experience. Orgasm, cake, etc, cover up the sludgy feeling for awhile, so we jump from one to another. If we sit, rest, unwind, and then follow our inner intuition about what we actually need, the sludgy feeling disburses.
Have you been keeping up with your gratitude journal? Still exercising? Still eating well? Still meditating? Still (insert JD’s path of health items here)? If you’ve been trading some of those to go have some hookups, that might be what’s causing the frown.
With warmth,
MattJune 21, 2015 at 4:15 am #78556jdkmParticipantHi Matt,
You make very valid points. I think I’ve just been overdoing it because I’m also at a transition period – don’t have enough to do so lacking the motivation to do the things I need to do, not knowing what my life is going to be like in 2 months and knowing ill soon have to start saying bye to friends ill probably never see again. It should have been obvious to me but after reading your reply and thinking about it I have been slacking on the important things like drinking too much, not eating enough etc. Focusing on the ‘path of health items’ as you put it got me through the darkest time of my life so I should definitely focus on them again now rather than take the easier way as I’ve been doing.
Thank you all for your feedback, you’ve helped me be more honest with myself and hopefully I will get myself back onto a healthy track again soon.
JD
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