Best female friend of my boyfriend

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    My bf’s best friend is a woman, and mine is a man.

    My best friend and I have never had any sexual tension; nothing has ever happened between us and we joke that it never will, because we are not attracted to each other. We live in the same city, and sometimes when we go out and party, we’ll crash on each other’s couches.

    My boyfriend and his (married) best friend have kissed twice, years ago. He told me that nothing else happened. I know they sometimes used to share a bed when they were traveling together. I have met her, and really like her and her husband.

    She is coming to visit in a few weeks, and she’s supposed to be staying at my boyfriend’s apartment. I told him I don’t feel comfortable with it, and he got a little defensive, said he would sleep on the couch, and he didn’t want to make an out of town friend stay in a hotel. I get his point, and since my best friend and I stay at each other’s places sometimes, feel like a hypocrite.

    I just don’t feel comfortable, and told him if he didn’t feel comfortable with my best friend staying over, I would respect that and not do it.

    Am I being a hypocrite? Paranoid? Would trusting him and showing that be the best thing? I know best friends are sort of ‘sacred territory’ but isn’t a relationship as well?

    Mika Maddela

    Hey Tulip,

    I’ve gone through this before. My husband’s best friend was a female and they spend a lot of time together and I was insanely jealous. Not because I thought he would ever cheat but because I felt that he’ll someday wake up from all of this and realized it was HER he truly wanted and not me.

    Turns out this jealousy had to do more with my own insecurity, my own fears and my own limiting thoughts. In the end, there is nothing you can SAY OR DO to make your boyfriend feel anything. IF he did feel attracted to her, there is nothing you can do about it. IF he didn’t feel attracted to her, there is nothing you can do about it.

    Rather than wasting so much negative emotional energy on something that is beyond your control, why not try to work on root cause of your jealousy and fear? The more you try to control his friendship with this woman, the more negative charge will occur in your relationship.

    You can’t control his emotions but you do have control over what’s happening INSIDE OF YOU.

    Start there and when you work on your self-esteem, limiting beliefs and self-love and acceptance, you’ll soon realize that jealousy and anxiety you felt was happening because of how you chose to focus on fear, rather than love for you and the strong love you have with him.

    Trust him and trust yourself–that you are WORTHY of the love you want and have NOTHING to be afraid of.

    If you need any more advice on anything like this, you can find me here <3


    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Mika Maddela.

    I think you need to trust him. They had plenty of opportunity to date if they had wanted to and chose not to. They are friends. He trusts you. If you want a strong stable relationship, I think you need to show him the same trust that he grants you.


    Thank you two!

    I agree…..I think I have some past triggers around this issue. I am going to work on my own feelings and reactions.

    Mika, your website looks really interesting…I’m going to check it out!

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