We have been married for 35 years. He hardly showed any affection or gave any affirmation, many a times when I ask him if he loves me his answer ‘ you should know how I feel’. Feeling neglected and not valued on 4 occasions I had threatened to leave. He pleaded with me to stay, apologizing that he find it difficult to express his feelings or show his love. That if I love him I should accept him the way he is. For the sake of my two daughters, slowly I accepted his ways. I was working full time, took up yoga and walks to fill that empty void. Basically, he was around but never ‘present’, never cared to connect with us at emotional level. Our marriage was on auto pilot. Yes…I tried many different approaches, avenues to work on our relationship, however he was happy the way things were.

In 2011, I came across intimate messages on his mobile phone to a girl (who is the same age as my younger daughter), he addresses her as a daughter, she calls him dad. Words such as-love you, miss you, hugs and kisses, precious, sweetheart, my life etc were some of words used. When confronted he was annoyed and snapped that she was a colleague, he treated her like a daughter. God this is a part I do not wish to relive, the pain, grief, shock, trauma and depression…..I could not function and for almost a year, my life was a roller coaster. He stood firm, saying he did nothing wrong, I was blowing things up. I manage to contact the girl, she apologies saying she was under the impression I was aware of the relationship. According to her this has been going on for 3 years and he has been visiting her too. By than rumours of their relationship was spreading, the girl left for a job in Dubai.

We tried to work on our relationship with a counselor but he refuse to cooperate. Despite my repeated requests for him to give me a commitment, he refused saying he feels responsible for her. During this period we made two overseas trips, the first was to Germany, on the 2nd day he insist I send her an email informing her regarding our trip. The 2nd trip to Uk was via Dubai, he tried to pressure me to meet up with her. In these 3 years, he did about everything to maintain the relationship, pestering me to accept and acknowledge her. He kept the relationship secret in the first place, he did not care to understand or see my pain. Despite assuring me he was not contacting her, he was still trying all means to reach her.

In early 2013, I gave him an ultimatum, he agreed to work on our relationship. I told him, he has to call the counselor and make the move if he really is serious in wanting to mend and work on our relationship. He did nothing till today, despite the fact that I gave him the number of the counselor and 3 months time limit.
Instead of leaving the relationship physically he simply checked out emotionally. He has stopped investing in our marriage long time back and is content to deny the existence of any issues. He treated her as someone precious while I was taken for granted, as if I was not important. I am slowly moving on.

It is a painful journey, but slowly I am healing. Sadly, we are 2 people staying in the same house like strangers. I tried talking to my younger daughter, but oddly the first time she met with a serious accident, the second time she broke up with her partner. I wish I knew what is going in his head. He seem so contented that is frustrating. Any advice what I action can I take. Thanks Simrem