October 20, 2017 at 4:26 pm #174049
Bear with me you all, this post is going to be a long one.
Before I go into detail, I should provide some back story as well. And before you say anything, yes, while typing this I realized all the red flags from the beginning of our interactions. This was my first “adult” relationship so I guess I can blame a lot of it on me being jaded and naive.
We met last summer at a party my friend invited me to. He got my number from my friend, we texted back and forth for a while but it ultimately stayed small talk. Communication fell off until December, when I was going through my messages and realized I had never texted him back back in September. I texted him back, apologizing and fully not expecting a reply, but he ended up replying. At that point, we pretty much began texting every day. He lives in my home city but I go to school a few hours away, so we never really had time to hang out until February when I came home for a weekend. We began hanging out almost every time I came home, and it ultimately began to get physical at one point. Until one day, I got a drunk text from him, saying “I want to love you”. I didn’t take him seriously at the time, because I couldn’t understand how he would know enough about me to want to love me. That night we had a talk about how we we’re going to move forward, because it complicated things at that point. He knew that I liked him, but for me it was more of a fondness than actually wanting to pursue anything. We talked that night, basically acknowledging that there was still a lot to learn about eachother so we would take things slow, but we ultimately hoped it would turn into a relationship. So from February until May, we pretty much saw eachother every weekend that I came home.
This is where things get tricky and complicated. In the city I live in, it’s only me and my mother. My mother ended up selling the condo we lived in in order to buy a house in another state, but it wasn’t going to be ready to move into until August. She ended up closing on the condo before she found somewhere to live, and ended up staying with a friend. I had PLANNED on staying on campus all summer, which is why she never found living arrangements for me during the summer time. The job/housing that I was supposed to have on campus fell through, so I ended up having to go back home for the summer. We scrambled to find somewhere for me to stay because there was no room where she was staying, but no one had room available and I have no other family in the state. Even though we weren’t officially together at that time, my ex offered to let me stay with him until I could find somewhere else to stay. Considering the semester was coming to and end quickly and I didn’t have very many options (and I was there every weekend anyway already), I accepted his offer.
Rewind to April. During the time I was in school, my ex (note, we weren’t together at this time) had taken a trip to Cleveland. He told me it was for a photography opportunity and that he was staying with his mentor. He made a note to tell me that he met his mentor through his ex, who also lives in Cleveland. I assumed him telling me this was a way for him to show I can trust him and so I wouldn’t be suspicious, and I also assumed that if he we’re really trying to go see his ex, he would have never told me about her living there in the first place. I didn’t think too much of the trip after we talked about it the first time.
Fast forward to mid-May, it’s been a few weeks after I’ve been staying with him since I’ve been out of school. I’m talking to him about the trip, and he mentions he only saw his ex once and it was at an event he went to with his mentor (mind you, she’s into film, he’s into photography, so again, I didn’t think too much of it). He talks about the shots and photos he got while in Cleveland, but said he couldn’t show me any because he left his SD card at his mentors house, but he would show me as soon as he mailed it back to him. A couple days later, out of curiosity, I decide to look at his camera, and low and behold…pictures of his ex. Multiple pictures of his ex, clearly over several different days and different places around the city. That night, I ask him if he was telling me he truth about seeing his ex, without revealing that I had seen all the pictures. He finally admits he did see her, but goes on to explain the dynamics of their friendship and how I shouldn’t think too much of it. He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want me to worry. I (very stupidly) accept his explanation and leave it alone after. Weeks later, I catch a glance of his phone and see he’s texting his ex. I get a pit feeling in my stomach about whether what he was telling me about her was the truth, so while he’s asleep I go though his phone and low and behold…I figured out he slept with her and spent several nights over with her while he was in Cleveland. The next day I confront him about it, we argue a bit but then he explains he “needed to get it out of his system” and that them sleeping together confirmed that his feelings had changed and that he needed to move on. He apologizes for hurting me and breaking my trust, but then explains it has no bearing on his feelings for me. I ask why he was still trying with me if he still had feelings for his ex, and he said he knew that if he explained the situation to me, I wouldn’t want to be with him but he knows its me he wants. I ended up believing and forgiving him (my rationale was that we weren’t together at the time when it happened so I didn’t have much of a reason to be mad). It still hurt and I still felt betrayed but I tried my best to empathize with what he was saying. He promised me that from that day forward, he’d be honest about everything about her and that he was cutting her off anyway, so I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. I told him we could still be friends, but that was difficult for me to implement and keep friendly boundaries while we we’re living together, so in retrospect I ultimately forgave him without consequence.
To put May through August shortly – she kept popping back up. Every few weeks it was something. First time, it was she thought she was pregnant so he had to work some things out. Second time, it was that she figured out she had an STD and had to tell him (we got tested and figured out he gave it to me too…). Third, fourth, fifth, and 20th time, she keeps popping up, and everytime there is an excuse. By this time, we’re officially together. But by the middle/end of the relationship, I look through his phone again and see that their messages have been borderline inappropriate. I ask him again, why he keeps doing this and he says it’s hard to cut her off because he is aware of how attatched she is to him and he doesnt want to hurt her. I eventually pose the ultimatum that she needs to go or I do, so he ends up blocking her on everything. Things are calm for a second, until she sends him his stuff she had in the mail and a letter pleading that he stops ignoring her. He emails her and tells her they can’t be in contact until he knows they can have a healthy platonic friendship again. He tells me all of this, and again, I believe everything he is saying. I had confidence that she was gone for good. Within this timeline too, there were many other incidents of him inappropriately texting other girls. He repeatedly told me none of it meant anything and that he didn’t think of replying to them as anything more than a game, but because I didn’t like it he eventually stopped that too (or so I thought). Because of everything that was happening, there we’re several fights. Many times that I threatened to leave, but he always reminded me that I had nowhere else to go (and he was right), so I had to stay. He would always tell me if I walked away, he would never find another like mw=e and it would be my fault that this didn’t work out, or say anything to keep me from leaving, And everytime, I did. Because I swore I loved him with every fiber of my being, and he swore he loved me too. Also mind you during this time, we took several trips together. To the mountains with my mom (twice), to New York, and he even came up to where I go to school to visit my friends. He was extremely financially supportive and helpful to anyone who needed it. He helped me pay for my car repairs, offered to pay for groups when we went out (he would pay for my mom when we went places), and even helped my mom out after she had hip surgery when I was unavailable once I went back to school. He always talked about our future, mentioning kids or cities we might want to move to after I graduated in a year. On the outside, he was the sweetest, most supportive, and attentive person you could imagine. All of this outweighed the things he had been doing which is why I stayed.
Mid August, I go back to school. While I’m at school, our communication diminished drastically. He never wanted to talk on the phone, texted back in 5/6 hour increments, and always claimed he was busy. One weekend when I go back up to see him again, I go through his phone and find out he was in contact with his ex again through a few times I see on his call log. I brought it up to him again, angrily, and it turns into a huge, dramatic, tearful, and emotional fight. He tried to lie to me at first and say the number (which was unsaved, but by that time I knew her number by heart) was from a friend that moved there recently. I knew he was lying so I ask again, is it her. He repeatedly tells me no until I break down crying on the floor. Once he admits it was, I ask why he lied, and he says he was afraid I would leave and that they only talked for closure, and he feels so much lighter about everything now. I was determined to leave that night, because deep in my heart I knew there was (and always had been) more going on than what he was leading on. I packed my stuff and attempted to leave, but he blocks the door and pins me to the wall, bawling tears asking me not to leave because he loved me and she didn’t mean anything to him anymore. I eventually make it out the door and to my car, but he pulls his car up to the driveway so I can’t leave. He tells me that if I walk away at that moment, we would never know how our relationship would turn out and it would all be my fault. Foolishly and emotionally, I ended up staying. That night we had a long talk about everything that was going on and about how to maintain trust while I was 3 hours away at school. He said to ease any anxieties, he would be sure to call me daily, text back quicker, and would communicate everything he needed to me.
Once I got back to school, it never happened. By this point, we hardly spoke, but when we did, it was all arguing. The arguments got longer and nastier as time went on, until one day he finally breaks up with me (this was 4 weeks ago). When he does, he explains he still loves me and wants to be with me, but its clear we weren’t making any progress and we needed time to heal from everything that had happened over the summer. He said it hurt him that he hurt me and it was making it difficult for him to be a food boyfriend, and that we needed time apart to rebuild trust and to get a breather. He said he was doing this for us, so I accepted what he said. I asked him if it had anything to do with his ex, and he promises me it doesnt, he just feels so terrible about everything that happened and that he needed solitude to think about our situation. We had bought tickets to a concert that was near my school a few months prior, and he said we should just go no contact up until that point and that he would come up and we would talk about how we would move forward.
A day later, I figure out I’m blocked on EVERYTHING, and through a mutual friends account I saw that he deleted all pictues of me from everything. I also saw that he was following his ex on everything again. Hysterical and angry, I call him and ask why he’s lying to me about why he left, and he asks me what I’m talking about. I tell him I saw he was following his ex and he had deleted me from everything, and he explained that he deleted me because it hurt too much to see me everywhere and he needed time to not think about me. And as far as his ex, he told me not to think about it too much because it wasn’t that deep. I accused him of lying and told him I know he’s leaving me for her, and he ends up getting angry and calling me delusional, then starts blaming me and saying my paranoia is why we can’t be together. He told me that if I can’t trust him, then I can’t be with him and thats what I need to meditate over while we go NC so we can talk about it after the concert. I leave it alone after the phone conversation, block him back on everything, and continue with NC.
About two weeks into NC/a week before the concert, he texts me to tell me a payment is due for my car. I send him the money, but he keeps the conversation going. He tells me he’s worried about me and just needs to know that I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine but leave it at that. A couple of days later, he texts me again, sending me a selfie wanting to show me his “progress” of growing out his hair. I comment that its cute, but tell him we still need to go no contact until the concert. He apologizes, but then tells me he’s going out of town that weekend so he might be a little late to the concert because he wont be back in town until Monday. He didn’t tell me where, so I ask ask him exactly where he’s going because the lack of detail about his trip made me suspicious. He says he doesnt know the town name, but its 4 hours away and his friends booked an airbnb and he needed some time away. I asked him if he would have time to talk over the phone at all that weekend because I had something I needed to talk to him about, and he said he wouldn’t because he wanted to be “unbothered” that weekend. I leave it alone, but my intuition and suspicion grows as the days grow closer to the concert. I asked his friend (the one who he said he was going out of town with) if he was busy that weekend, and he said no he was just staying at home. Thats when I knew my ex was lying about where he was going. Instinctively, I go look on his ex’s social media and see she’s in Atlanta. I automatically remembered my ex telling me a few weeks before he was going to book an airbnb in Atlanta so he could get away for some time. Atlanta is also 4 hours away from where we live. Part of me believed I was looking too far into it and that I was being paranoid, so I left it alone and waited to talk to him until the concert.
The day of the concert, he sends me a screenshot of google maps to show me his ETA at my school. It showed a path from the mountains 4 hours away from where I was, so I let out a sigh of relief thinking he had actually been honest about where he was.
Boy, was I wrong.
I got to the concert before he does, and out of curiosity I check his ex’s social media again. I end up seeing a picture of her and in the reflection of the glass, I see a pattern of his sweatshirt that I clearly know is his. I instantly break down in the middle of the concert venue, but once I get a text from him that he was about to walk in, I clean myself up so I can talk to him amicably about it. He walks in, we talk for a second, and hes going on and on about how fun and great his weekend was. He asks me how am I, and I instantly break down and snap and tell him I knew where he was that weekend. Almost instantly, his demeanor changes. His smile fades away and he looks at me coldly. He again, calls me delusional, then tells me that he was only in Atlanta for a day with his other friend, and if I didn’t believe him he would call his friend right now for proof. I storm out the concert venue crying, and out of impulse, call his ex (I had her number saved for a moment like this). At first, she was confused as to why I was calling her. I ended up figuring out a) he had spent the entire weekend in Atlanta with her, b) they “officially” broke up in April but they were still in contact frequently until June c) she didn’t know I existed until June d) the nature of their contact never changed (as in, they were still flirting, saying “I love you”, talking on the phone when I wasnt around, sending pictures, etc), up until June, and a plethora of other shocking information. She apologized continuously because she never had a clue what was going on with me and him up until that point, and she also told me that the mentor he told me about that he visited in Clevelant back in April didn’t even exist. I ended up going back into the concert venue to confront him and tell him I knew everything. Hysterically crying and yelling, I stood in front of him and showed him the phone. Again, he looks at me coldly and shrugs his shoulders. I scream at him and ask him why he did this, and he said it was none of my business anymore what he does. I continue to break down in front of him, everyone staring at me, and then I finally ask him why he keeps hurting me. He stares at me coldly and asks me why I’m even still standing in front of him and to go away. That was the last interaction I had with him.
All in all…I’m devastated. And broken. I feel empty and like my soul has been extracted from my body. Throughout the relationship he claimed he loved me so much and had made plans for me. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I could have never imagined someone who claimed they love me so much could do this to me, and I was more shocked about his demeanor than anything. I had at least expected him to admit he was still in love with his ex and to end things on that note, but the way he acted when I confronted him scared me. It was like I was looking at a completely different person. I’m having a hard time processing everything thats going on. And I;m not even sure what I’m asking…I just need to know how I move forward from here. I;m so lost. I thought about writing him a letter and then never soeaking to him again. I dont know. I just need help.October 21, 2017 at 6:13 am #174077
I’m sorry you are feeling so low and upset. It takes time to trust someone and when they betray that trust it’s horrible.
it reads to me like he still had feelings for his ex and you too and he was basically trying to be two people at once-one with you, and one with his ex. It’s nothing to do with you and all to do with him and unfinished business from his past. I would see it as a lesson that you can love someone so deeply and can trust someone, that’s a gift in itself, but try not to dwell too much on the good times and try instead to think about the relationship rationally. Would your soul mate do this to you? If the answer is no, then see it as two people coming together to learn certain lessons and to try and look forward. Very much easier said than done though.
in terms of a letter, that might be a good idea. I did it just to say my side honestly, but don’t think too much about getting him back, just see it as closeure for you.
the best thing is to hang out with friends, get your nails done, watch a good series, read a new book, get your hair done etc- just little things to boost you up a little as it takes time to get over someone.October 21, 2017 at 6:15 am #174079
also, depending on how much you believe in star signs, takes a look at his as it could help you understand his coldness.October 21, 2017 at 9:45 am #174109
Dear Nia N:
On your part, it is unfortunate that there was a combination of a few unfortunate events and some bad planning that resulted in you having no place to live during the summer, leading to you living with him. Living with a man because you have no other place to stay in is not a good situation for a woman, a great disadvantage, and indeed, it proved to be a disadvantage, leaving you “Betrayed, confused, nd broken”. His spending money on you, as on your car repair, and on your mother, on her hip surgery and outings has been a draw to him and also contributed to your current emotional devastation.
His part in all this: he doesn’t know any better than to say whatever needs to be said so to make it comfortable for him at the moment, whatever is convenient. It is not truth and honesty that he values, or that he even pays attention to. It is what is convenient for him that he values, that matters to him.
He explained to you his reasons for lying to you: “because he didn’t want me to worry”, that “he ‘needed to get it out of his system’ and that them sleeping together confirmed that his feelings had changed”, that “it’s hard to cut her off because he is aware of how attatched she is to him and he doesnt want to hurt her”- if it is convenient, he says it.
He told you that “he knew that if he explained the situation to me, I wouldn’t want to be with him” and when you asked him “why he lied, and he says he was afraid I would leave” – it is very clear right here. If he told you the truth, it would be inconvenient for him: you would leave him, and that was inconvenient for him, not what he wanted at that point.
He promised you “that from that day forward, he’d be honest about everything about her and that he was cutting her off anyway, so I didn’t have to worry about her anymore”- because that was convenient for him, it calmed you and he wanted calm.
Finally, you “scream at him and ask him why he did this, and he said it was none of my business anymore what he does. I continue to break down in front of him, everyone staring at me…He stares at me coldly and asks me why I’m even still standing in front of him and to go away. That was the last interaction I had with him.”-
at this point he it is no longer convenient for him to be in a relationship with you. Reason is: he cares what other people think of him and you broke down in public, people staring. He is uncomfortable. And so, he is no longer motivated.
At one point in his very young life he was honest, he naturally communicated his thoughts and feelings. The result is that someone hurt him for it. He learned that what works for him is to say whatever brings about the results he is interested in.
You can’t change a person like that, that young, honest boy is gone. What is operating now and will continue to operate with everyone in his life, is a lying man who doesn’t know any other way, who is not motivated to try any other way, and is not likely to relearn his way. All you can do is recover, best you can. Learn from the experience all you can learn.
I hope you post again.
anitaOctober 22, 2017 at 12:47 pm #174227
I guess in all of this, I am just confused as to how someone would go through such lengths to use someone at their disposal, then have absolutely no remorse for it. My mother and I have both reached out to him several times, and he’s ignored us both. He’s blocked my number, email, my social media accounts…everything. Of course there is the natural feeling of jealousy that he’s back with his ex, even though I understood our relationship was no where near healthy. And mostly, I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance in many ways. I still love him & care for him deeply despite what he did and I wish I didn’t. But I’ve also had the time to reflect on the abusive/manipulative/narcissistic patterns of his behavior. I’m almost able to pin point when he chose me as his next “victim”…very early on in our friendship before we were ever romantically involved, and almost every instance after that that should have been a red flag. I just have a rush of conflicting and cycling emotions – hurt, betrayal, jealousy, disbelief, anger…but love and the yearning to forgive. I imagine that last part has a lot to do with attachment. But he implemented so many things in my head: that he loved me, that he was leaving me because it was toxic to the both of us, but that with time he wanted to get back together…all for me to figure out that he’d been setting up things with his ex long before he even left me. I don’t know. I’m just a cluster of a mess and am not sure how to make up my mind on how I feel about everything. I just don’t know how you could love someone so much that hurt you so deeply. I want to believe he loved me, but I can’t understand why he did all of this. It hurts to feel like he didn’t love me at all and I was only there to be used. I feel that if he truly loved me, he’d at least offer some sort of closure rather than leaving me high and dry like he has.