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Big mistake!

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  • August 18, 2013 at 10:02 pm #40741
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello all,

    I have made a big mistake in contacting my ex after 2 weeks of separation. I blocked his phone number and he didn’t try to contact me. After the break up he said he wanted to be friends. I knew this would be impossible for me because I am still very angry and resentful after he treated me so poorly while we were dating (not to mention upset and disappointed in myself for allowing it to go on as long as it did). I thought that his actions or lack there of would cause me to let go and realize that I no longer needed or wanted him to be a part of life and that it would keep me away. I gave him a call after obsessing over it for a few days, asked how he was and wished him well because he is traveling to another state for work and would be gone for months. I think I did this to make him feel better and not so guilty for treating me this way. He’d said he felt bad about the things he had done but it always followed with the same negative actions leaving me confused, hurt, angry and spiraling out of control. I wanted to maintain a friendship but I knew this wasn’t the healthiest decision. I thought this would make me feel better, but I was wrong. I feel awful about my decision. We texted on and off for about two days because I felt like I was ready to let go of the past. He acted as if the situation never happened. I am happy that he has found peace but am resentful because it was so easily achievable for him. This really hurt me. I told him I had made the wrong decision and that he wouldn’t be hearing from me again.

    I have negative thoughts, anger, resentment and a lot of questions that I know will never be answered.

    I feel bad because I am wanting him to feel the pain I feel. It’s very hard for me to be happy that he’s moved on so quickly. If that makes any sense.

    I really just want to be in a better place. I have no desire for him to be in my life again. I just hate that I still beat my self up about what happened and really don’t know how to move past this.

    Any words of wisdom?

    August 19, 2013 at 7:44 am #40754
    Matt
    Participant

    Britt,

    No men I know get over things quickly. Masculinity in most cultures doesn’t allow for feelings to be expressed except in a romantic partner (and even then not much). So when a relationship ends, a wall goes up, a smile is on his face, but inside it is much different. Maybe he plays Xbox or watches sports, or reads or whatever, but he still has to process the loss. Its just not socially acceptable to process emotions and loss like women do. Many women dump and cry and reach out to the community of friends, sharing and caring and sharing. Most men “suck it up” and keep hunting, keep moving, working them through inside.

    I think that you are making a strong and false assumption that he is fine. Either he isn’t impacted by the breakup, which means his heart is closed down and suffering from who knows what, or his mouth is closed because pain isn’t nearly as safe for men to express because of social norms. Either way, he suffers. Why wish him more pain than he already has? That only increases your own suffering.

    Consider sending him warm feelings. “May you be well, peaceful and happy. May you meet with spiritual success. May you find compassion, determination, courage and wisdom.” Even if it is said through gritted teeth at first, keep saying it. What you are really doing is freeing your mind from negative feelings. You already broke up, so why let him continue to harm your heart by inspiring hateful thoughts?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 19, 2013 at 8:22 am #40755
    lucia
    Participant

    Hi Britt,

    Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. I agree with Matt’s response. Sounds like you are being a bit rough with yourself. Break-ups aren’t easy, not sure if this is your first, second, fifth, or x-ith. Now is your time to take care of yourself and reflect on how you want to be treated in future relationships. Take this as a learning experience, we go through different relationships and learn from each one what we like and don’t like in a partner.

    I hear you on wanting answers. But in the end does it really change anything? Time to focus on yourself and surround yourself with positive people. Do things that you really enjoy. Go out and meet new people. 🙂 It will take some time and patience, but things will get better. Be your own best friend.

    Hope some of this resonates with you.

    Lucia

    August 19, 2013 at 2:05 pm #40767
    L
    Participant

    hi britt, I have also just split up from my ex, and its been about two weeks of no contact. we split up a couple of months ago but we were still in the same place as I waited for my new place to be ready for me and I remember getting upset with him that he was showing off how happy life is and how he was enjoying himself, but then a few days later he would confess that he was feeling just as hurt as I was feeling, and I think its true. he just coped with the loss in his own way and he’s was coping and recovering in his own way and now that we’re not together anymore it really doesn’t matter how he’s choosing to move on in his life. I think its hard to take, but really he is no longer in a position to hurt me anymore, so it really is a new mindset, letting him go, giving him my blessing to be who he is and focusing on myself to make my own choices to heal myself and enjoy my life, not to hurt him or get back at him, but really because I am trying to move on in the best way for me. hope this is helpful 🙂

    August 19, 2013 at 6:10 pm #40779
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Matt,

    Thanks for the response. You’re right, I am making assumptions about the way he feels. I know it’s something I should work on. When you mentioned sending him warm feelings, do you mean without him knowing? Repeating these things to myself to release my negative emotions?

    If so, I think this will be very helpful in my healing. The last time we spoke, I told him that I wished him the best and that I hope he continues to grow and become a better person (since he expressed his desire to make positive changes). I also know that everyone makes mistakes and I wasn’t the perfect partner either. I told him I would work on controlling my emotions and take better care of myself. I think I always put him before myself. The relationship somehow always revolved around his life (career, family, friends, past relationships etc). That was extremely overwhelming for me but I was patient, supportive and a good listener. In retrospect I definitely made myself too available and in the future I won’t be so open. Is this the right idea to have when it comes to future relationships? I won’t be dating again for a while until I learn to love myself again, and grow spiritually. I don’t want to be alone but I have a lot to learn. It will be very hard for me to recover but I am hopeful.

    Thanks again,

    Britt

    August 19, 2013 at 6:33 pm #40782
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Lucia,

    Thanks so much. People have always said I was uptight, overly serious and too hard on myself. Though it has helped me professionally it has caused me to struggle personally (in friendships, relationships). I definitely need to take better care of myself. A few years ago I would do things like go to a movie, grab coffee or lunch alone. This gave me the best feeling and I felt so connected to who I was. I have lost that. I like to be social and be around others but I have always been introverted and feel most comfortable alone or with one or two people. My ex always had an issue with this, though he isn’t very outspoken himself. He would say that he wanted to see how I interacted with others, he would get bothered if we went to a public place, even church and I didn’t immediate start conversations or mingle. This made me even more uncomfortable when we were out together. I have always felt he wanted me to be someone I was not. But that is behind me now…I am working through those feelings of insecurity. I am looking forward to reconnecting with myself, meeting new people and developing healthy relationships.

    Thank you again for your kind words,

    Britt

    August 19, 2013 at 6:50 pm #40784
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi L,

    Thank you for your words. They are very helpful. I am sorry to hear about your split. Living in the same space after separating must have been very hard for both of you, but I am happy to hear that you are healing and in a better place. You are really strong. I hope to be where you are soon. There is a lot of pain and I still love him (even though I do get angry) but I know what’s best for me right now.

    Best,

    Britt

    August 20, 2013 at 11:45 am #40843
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Matt,

    Thanks for the response. You’re right, I am making assumptions about the way he feels. I know it’s something I should work on. When you mentioned sending him warm feelings, do you mean without him knowing? Repeating these things to myself to release my negative emotions?

    If so, I think this will be very helpful in my healing. The last time we spoke, I told him that I wished him the best and that I hope he continues to grow and become a better person (since he expressed his desire to make positive changes). I also know that everyone makes mistakes and I wasn’t the perfect partner either. I told him I would work on controlling my emotions and take better care of myself. I think I always put him before myself. The relationship somehow always revolved around his life (career, family, friends, past relationships etc). That was extremely overwhelming for me but I was patient, supportive and a good listener. In retrospect I definitely made myself too available and in the future I won’t be so open. Is this the right idea to have when it comes to future relationships? I won’t be dating again for a while until I learn to love myself again, and grow spiritually. I don’t want to be alone but I have a lot to learn. It will be very hard for me to recover but I am hopeful.

    Thanks again,

    Britt

    August 20, 2013 at 11:46 am #40844
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Lucia,

    Thanks so much. People have always said I was uptight, overly serious and too hard on myself. Though it has helped me professionally it has caused me to struggle personally (in friendships, relationships). I definitely need to take better care of myself. A few years ago I would do things like go to a movie, grab coffee or lunch alone. This gave me the best feeling and I felt so connected to who I was. I have lost that. I like to be social and be around others but I have always been introverted and feel most comfortable alone or with one or two people. My ex always had an issue with this, though he isn’t very outspoken himself. He would say that he wanted to see how I interacted with others, he would get bothered if we went to a public place, even church and I didn’t immediate start conversations or mingle. This made me even more uncomfortable when we were out together. I have always felt he wanted me to be someone I was not. But that is behind me now…I am working through those feelings of insecurity. I am looking forward to reconnecting with myself, meeting new people and developing healthy relationships.

    Thank you again for your kind words,

    Britt

    August 20, 2013 at 11:46 am #40845
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi L,

    Thank you for your words. They are very helpful. I am sorry to hear about your split. Living in the same space after separating must have been very hard for both of you, but I am happy to hear that you are healing and in a better place. You are really strong. I hope to be where you are soon. There is a lot of pain and I still love him (even though I do get angry) but I know what’s best for me right now.

    Best,

    Britt

    August 20, 2013 at 2:10 pm #40854
    Steve
    Participant

    Britt,

    Good for you for wanting to grow from this experience!

    Take it from someone who has been there, you have done well to recognize that you shouldn’t stay in a relationship in which the words don’t match the deeds, especially when he goes back to “the same negative actions”. You were right that you couldn’t remain friends because of the pain, and then you just confirmed it for yourself with this little incident. Just look at it as a confirmation of your insight, not a mistake.

    Your insights are clearly correct. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself. The only mistake is in trying to take care of him before yourself (“I think I did this to make him feel better and not so guilty for treating me this way”). Let him be responsible for his own actions. He has to learn his lessons in his way, just as you do.

    It seems to me you are a sensitive soul with gifts for conscientiousness, insight, and understanding. Unfortunately sensitivity is often seen as a weakness by those who are (often much) less sensitive. Like all talents it has both benefits and drawbacks and must be used responsibly for the greatest benefit.

    Two books that really helped me and opened my eyes: The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron; and Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

    Trust that you know how to take care of yourself. You have all the answers!

    Steve

    August 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm #40948
    lucia
    Participant

    Ohhh the Highly Sensitive Person is an awesome book!!! It felt great that there was someone out there that knew what I was going through and could explain it to me. 🙂

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