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Blackout drunk – again! FML

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #383072
    Rob
    Participant

    Why do I do this to myself?

    So, I stubbles across this wonderful website this morning well searching for help. I am currently dealing with the pain, guilt, and remorse of drinking. Not only drinking but getting blackout drink and making a complete fool of myself. I single handedly cause so much havoc! I go to this dark, ugly place when I drink – it is so destructive. It’s this ugly cycle that I’m in with myself. I go months (almost a year at time) without drinking. No desire at all to have a drink. I pick up healthy habit and focus on myself – I get myself all the way together. Then all the sudden, I think, one drink will be ok – and it is. So, then a month later, I’ll do it again. Then the next month, I will increase from one to two drink. Everything is fun, fine, and dandy. Nothing bad happens…everyone had a good time. Now, there is a gather with friends or family – it’s a party and lots of drinking so I think to myself everything has been fine the last few times – why not! Ugh. Now I am back at this ugly place of regret and remorse. What is wrong with me!? Why haven’t I learned my lesson? I clearly see a patter! I know I have a problem with drinking but yet I keep putting myself back in this place! I have talked to my family about going to treatment/rehab but every time I bring this topic up, they all tell me I don’t need rehab. I need help and I need answer on how to fix this!

    #383098
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rob:

    Thank you for your kind words on the other thread.

    I have talked to my family about going to treatment/rehab but every time I bring this topic up, they all tell me I don’t need rehab“- I wonder what family members (mother, father, siblings.. wife?) tell you that you don’t need rehab and what are their individual reasons for discouraging you from getting professional help for your drinking problem (?)

    I go to this dark, ugly place when I drink“- not every person under the influence of alcohol goes to a dark, ugly place: some go to a light, loving place. I wonder if that dark ugly place you go to when drunk is a place that exists in you drunk or sober, and needs to be looked at…

    anita

    #383122
    Rob
    Participant

    I have spoke with a therapist and they believe if I have to admit I have a problem then maybe they need to look at themselves as having a problem. Which a family and friends + spouse have drug and drinking problems. Far more then I but I’m pointing fingers.

    I think you’re right, maybe, I do need to look further into this because I use to be a fun person when I drank.

    I just dont want to do this to myself anymore. Who I become when i drink is NOT who I am. I feel that’s why others are so forgiving of me after this slip ups because they cannot believe how out of control of myself i am. I am embarrassed and ashamed and want help!

    #383125
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita, what do you think about AA meetings? I want to go but I’m scared. …not sure of what but I’m scared and nervous. I have also been thinking of going to church – I am not religious but something has got to give!  I just cant seem to find a balance! I am either drowning myself in work, chores, fitness, and it seems when i take a break because i am so overwhelmed is when this other mess happens.

    Sorry for all the messages today. I am feeling very lost today. Normally by day three over the hangover blues but something is different. I even feel like being dead would be better then facing the world. what is happening!

    This post is probably all over the place. Sorry.

    #383126
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rob:

    Anita, what do you think about AA meetings?“- I think that you should attend an AA meeting in-person, today, ASAP! AA has helped millions of people all over the world and I don’t see a reason why it will not help you, It is free, well-structured (and there is always coffee there and treats). People tell stories, are inclined to be friendly.. There is always the chance of a bad experience in any social setting/ organization, so you need to be aware and remain aware.

    There is an AA saying: “principles not personalities”, meaning: you will encounter people in AA who will say and do the wrong things to other AA members, going against AA principles- so, be aware, but adhere to the principles of AA, and do not get distracted by personalities that you wish weren’t there.

    anita

    #383128
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Rob,

    I have spoke with a therapist and they believe if I have to admit I have a problem then maybe they need to look at themselves as having a problem. Which a family and friends + spouse have drug and drinking problems. Far more then I but I’m pointing fingers.

    I think your therapist is right – your family discourages you from seeking professional help because it would disturb them and force them to take a look at their own addiction, which they don’t want to, at least not at the moment. And your reluctance to seek help could be in part caused by your desire to fit in, to not “rock the boat”, maybe even not to appear “better” or superior than your family.

    I agree with anita – definitely do seek help, because it’s not going to get better, the drinking problem won’t just miraculously go away. You can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, specially surrounded by people who make it harder for you to stop drinking…

     

    #383136
    Rob
    Participant

    TeaK,

    Thank you! I completely agree with everything you are saying. One thing I do know about myself – I fight change. I think maybe someplace deep down, I KNOW me fixing myself and changing for the better WILL change everything around me. The truth is, there are times I even drink with my spouse as a way of giving in because I’m always fighting about my spouses drinking and how it effects our household and my spouses child. I know the situation is toxic. I know I don’t want this for myself. I know my spouse doesn’t care to stop because he does gets like me so he doesn’t have a problem. But it’s a problem because i see how he misses work and goes on three day drinking missions. Or how he neglects his responsibilities because of drinking. Ugh – this is all such a mess.

     

    I am so glad I reached out today.

     

    Also, I will be attending a meeting later today.

    #383137
    Rob
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for your opinion. I will be attending a meeting later today  and I plan to update you.

    Thank you for being here for me and others! I feels a little weird connecting this way but I am so thankful you’re here. I don’t feel alone

    #383141
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rob:

    You are very kind, and you are welcome. I would like to read about your AA meeting later on today, please do update me. Indeed, you are not alone, and I bet you will feel even less alone in AA meetings. (I hope that AA meetings resumed in your area following a high rate of vaccination!?)

    Also, keep in mind that if you do have a variety of AA meetings available, you may feel more comfortable in one than in the other, and therefore, you can choose which to attend.

    anita

    #383142
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Rob,

    you’re welcome.

    I think maybe someplace deep down, I KNOW me fixing myself and changing for the better WILL change everything around me.

    Yes, and it’s scary to change the status quo and have our loved ones get angry at us, perhaps even reject us and abandon us… This I guess is what’s holding you back? You’re aware that certain things in your relationship with your spouse are toxic, but you also love him and want to please him. And as you say, drinking is a way of bonding with him, so it’s hard to let that go.

    It seems to me that if you want to stop drinking, you’d also need to work on your co-dependency with him, and decide that you don’t want to sacrifice yourself in order to keep his love. You’d need to put yourself first, not in a selfish way, but in the sense that you don’t want to jeopardize your health and well-being for him, or for anybody else in your family, even if you love them very much. I wonder how you feel about that?

    Fingers crossed for your first AA meeting!

     

    #383172
    Meli
    Participant

    How’s it going?   I reached out to tony Budha bc of their inspirational quotes and found your post.  I understand what you’re going through.

    #383208
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are okay, Rob. Are you?

    anita

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