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Bored and Frustrated With Life

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  • August 19, 2020 at 6:09 am #365073
    WanderlustKitten
    Participant

    As of late (and I don’t know if it’s quarantine or whatever) I’ve become very bored with life struggling to find any point in doing anything. I’m not depressed or anything like that (I also really don’t want to die I fear death like crazy) but I also can’t exactly see why anyone does anything at all. To be fair I live in a situation that is constantly stress. One thing after another all the time. It only got worse cause of covid because there’s even less for me to do. I also live with people I despise in a city I hate and I lost my job, don’t have money, I can’t travel…there’s nothing to do.

    I used to find my escape with writing because I am a writer and that’s what I aspire to do in life. Yet, even that has lost all point to me. Even weirder it’s not like I don’t WANT to write I actually do. I’m still constantly brainstorming ideas and thinking about stories I work on. I mean constantly. Yet, when I sit down to write it feels repetitive and manufactured. Like, I’m just doing the same thing over and over with no real results. I know people are going to tell me “Just write for you then” well it doesn’t work that way. As much as I get enjoyment writing for myself I never saw the point of writing to not share it. To me, the point of writing and telling a story is TO TELL the story, not keep it to myself. If other people want to write novels and never show them, and they like that, then that’s great for them. That’s not what I want to do. Though I don’t write specifically to please anyone but myself I do like having an audience. I like knowing that I’ve inspired someone or changed them, something. I like touching other people with my stories and ideas just as much as I like creating them. Yet it feels like I’m not doing that.

    It also feels like I’m progressing nowhere. Before Covid I had the ability to go out and network, make friends and connections, I felt like I was moving towards the right goal. I can’t do that now. Then I can’t stop thinking that even if I do make it as a writer then who cares? It’s all meaningless anyway. Even when I die what will it matter that I wrote these stories or made these things? What does life mean at all? So after that I think that life has the meaning we give it and we make our own entertainment, adventure and joy. Except, I have no ability to change anything I want to change. I don’t have the money, means, resources, or connections to just pack up and move. It’s not safe for me to just randomly drive to California and hope for the best. It would be a ridiculous idea to try to a point where it could threaten my life and I’m not dumb enough to do it. I may want adventure but I don’t have a deathwish.

    Over the past few months thanks to my OCD (and extreme fear of germs), coupled with really abusive situations involving my roommates who I have no choice but to live with (and I really literally don’t have a choice so please don’t tell me there is another option if there was I’d have found it by now but I’m still here cause there isn’t) and my stomach has been hurting almost constantly due to stress. I’m in debt, I’m unemployed, I have many other little problems that I won’t get into. I am also barely sleeping because of various reasons beyond my control (like dogs barking in the middle of the night and waking me up which I can’t do anything about). I’m wondering if my emotional state has way more to do with stress and sleep deprivation than actually believing all of these things. I’ve never EVER been like this in the past (I’m 30 years old by the way) this is all just sudden for me after extreme amounts of stress. Is there any way to stop thinking in myself in circles about how pointless everything ultimately is or…what exactly am I supposed to do?

    I’ve been frustrated with my living situation for about 10 years now, I’ve been trying to find a solution for 10 years. I just haven’t. Also when I try medications/therapy they never work. Medications always make me worse than I ever was. I’ve been this way for a long time but I’ve never felt like things were pointless until right now. I want to go back to the point where I was miserable but I still saw a purpose to life. How does someone do that when their entire life is just a big bag of stress which has only been magnified by quarantine?

    August 19, 2020 at 8:37 am #365114
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear WanderlustKitten:

    I enjoyed your writing, it was a pleasure, a refreshing experience to read your story here, thank you! Interesting, I was feeling kind of down just before I read your post and reading your skillful, talented writing refreshed me and I feel better.

    The details of your story: you are 30, unemployed, no money, in debt, living in a city you hate, with roommates you despise, in abusive situation of constant stress, barely sleeping, nothing to do, and nowhere to go. You want to tell a story for others to read and be touched, inspired and changed because of the story you tell, but when you sit down to write, you are  not inspired or motivated.

    You have OCD, scared of germs, and driving to California- which clearly you considered- would be a death wish, you wrote. (California is leading the U.S., with more than 640 thousand coronavirus cases, and more than 11.5 thousand coronavirus deaths so far, the great majority of cases and deaths being in Los Angeles County, according to Worldometer).

    You were miserable in the past, been frustrated with your living situation for about 10 years, but you “still saw a purpose to life”.But now, you don’t see a purpose (“struggling to find any point in doing anything.. can’t exactly see why anyone does anything at all… It’s all meaningless anyway.. What does life mean at all?”).

    You asked: “Is there any way to stop  thinking in my self in circles about how pointless everything ultimately is or.. what exactly am I supposed to do?”

    My answer: clearly, you need a purpose that will give your life a meaning. Viktor E. Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, wrote: “There is much wisdom in the words of Nietzsche: ‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how'”, and “In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning”.

    Here is a quote from the book that fits your situation very well: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves”.

    Nietzsche wrote something that fits your writing situation, in my mind (replace writing with dancing, and music with inspiration or motivation to write): “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music”.

    My suggestion: quit societal expectations and standards, find your own, very personal purpose and meaning. If you find none, create one that you choose as your own.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .
    August 21, 2020 at 11:08 am #365273
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Wanderlustkitten,

    I am picking up from your post that you don’t feel as if you have any control over your life.  Some of this stems from the situation we are all in with regard to this blessed Coronavirus.  Also, you are scared of death and you don’t think there is any point to doing anything.  The first thing you need to do is to change your self talk.

    The point to life is love.  Love glorious love.  Beginning, middle and end.  You love to write.  This may sound very obvious but you have to write it before you can share it.  You want to inspire people, create change in others and touch them in some way.  What is stopping you?  The only person that can stop you from doing this is yourself.  Who cares if you make it as a writer?  You do.  Who cares if you make it as a waitress, shop assistant, ticket collector?  This is not the point.  You have been given your own unique mix of talents, character traits, preferences and so on.  You are here to make the most of what has been bestowed upon you as a birthright.  By the way, you are not necessarily going to know if you have touched or inspired someone.  You are not going to meet with every person that reads your work.

    Have you ever heard that if you change your thoughts, you change your life.  This is true.  You need to think far more positively than your post suggests you have been doing.  As long as you keep replaying your problems, you will not be able to find the solutions to those problems.  Deal with one thing at once.  If noise keeps you awake at night, invest in some earplugs.  If you are stressed, play relaxation music particularly at bedtime.  You can find plenty online which is free.  Pay particular attention to your breathing ensuring that you breathe into the base of your lungs.  Guided relaxation may help you with this.

    Use writing as your therapy.  Write about this situation that you are in.  Paint the picture with your words.  Your creativity center exists just below your navel.  Breathe the color orange into that point.  Revitalize yourself.

    Finally, learn to live in the NOW and stop worrying about what might happen when you are dead.  You will take with you all that you have achieved on Earth.  Your spirit will survive.  Death is just another state of change.  Live your life with courage, strength and power and achieve your inspirational dream.

    I hope you read this and that it helps you take life in both hands and live it to the full.

    Wishing you the best of everything.

    Peggy

     

     

     

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