February 9, 2023 at 5:12 am #415186
My boyf mum(59, F) has banned me from her house. I won’t go into why but basically, she does not want anything to do with me ever again.
My partner (33, M) visits her every Saturday morning with his son (11, M) and talks to her most days. He is very close with her and will succumb to her requests due to the fact he’s scared if he doesn’t she will cut him off like she has with me and has done with other family members in the past.
I wanted to ask if anyone has any experience dealing with a partner’s parent who is toxic when their partner is very close with them?
I find myself thinking of plans to annoy her, but that’s not me at all. I just want to focus on my own life without her behaviour affecting me, but I do get upset when my partner goes to hers as she’s been pretty toxic towards me. He’ll chat about his time at hers and I find myself getting a bit sad because I feel like I’m missing out on important memories with him, his son, and his other family members (his brother 37M, his brother’s wife 27,F) and birthday, Christmases because she is toxic.
I normally just acknowledge what he’s saying but don’t ask questions and try and make an effort with the other family members at other times, but they don’t see each other much outside of this time at his mum’s. I’m starting to resent my partner for not addressing her unreasonable behaviour. How do I deal with this?February 9, 2023 at 1:14 pm #415193RobertaParticipant
Sorry to hear that you are in such a sad and frustrating situation. I had a similar situation with my fiance’s mother whenever he asked his mum what she would like for Xmas she wanted him not to marry me! Basically your boyfriend is between a rock and a hard place. I suggest that you get your self a good circle of friends that can give you a social life that does not involve your boyfriends family. It is highly unlikely that you or your BF will be able to change his mums behavior and resenting him for it will only poison your relationship & that way she wins. Act with love compassion and dignity and then no matter what happens you will have a peaceful heart.
RobertaFebruary 9, 2023 at 3:34 pm #415202HelcatParticipant
My adoptive mother is like that to my husband. I don’t think it’s right and I told her if she doesn’t want to see him, she doesn’t want to see me. I won’t tolerate her poor treatment of him.
It’s always a unique choice when people don’t stand up to their family or defend their partners. I’m sorry that you have to deal with these issues.
How do you find your relationship outside of this issue?February 10, 2023 at 2:13 am #415208
@helcat that is exactly what I feel he should be saying. I am supposed to be his chosen family. I have cut off family members of my own for less than that. Toxic behaviour ,when you allow it from one person, seeps into your other relationships, speaking from experience.
To be honest it’s more the principle that he allows and enables toxic behaviour towards me that he KNOWS hurts me. It makes me worried about the future.
Outside of this, the relationship is pretty good. We have some smaller issues to work out (we’re both in therapy) but generally, it’s more good than anything else.February 10, 2023 at 2:22 am #415209
@roberta it baffles me that she does not support or encourage what makes her son happy. But, her (and potentially his) loss to not have me more in their life.
I love the phrase, “act from love and kindness” I will do that towards myself in this testing situation 🙂February 10, 2023 at 2:46 am #415212HelcatParticipant
It’s good to hear that you are both in therapy. Ideally, if your partner were emotionally ready to do so, that is what would happen.
However, it sounds like he has a lot of difficulty standing up to abusive behaviour. He may be afraid of rejection himself.
The reality of such situations, is that my mother chose not to have contact with both myself and my husband purely because she refused to get past her own issues.
Ceasing contact with his family is something that emotionally he might not be ready for. This is something that people have to choose for themselves.
I know it hurts that he allows and chooses to participate in this behaviour. Who knows, in time with therapy his behaviour might change.
I’m glad that otherwise your relationship with your partner is pretty good.
It might be helpful to discuss how you plan to manage celebrations because him doing everything with his family and shutting you out completely is unfair. You might want to discuss him talking about his experiences with his family if you find it upsetting.
My sister is still in contact with our mother and I have a good relationship with my sister. We have an arrangement that she does some celebrations with us and some with our mother. To make it fair. I also asked her not to discuss time spent with our mother. This makes me feel more comfortable.
Wishing you all the best 🙏