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Boyfriend is confused about how he feels

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  • This topic has 12 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #270615
    Ladybug
    Participant

    So its been months since I’ve posted about my relationship. So my boyfriend an I have been together for 2 Years and 10 Months. He has been feeling very suffercated and says he doesn’t feel like he makes his own decisions. I do have a issue with being over clingy at times and I’m very emotional which means I tend to rely on him to take alot of my emotional rants when I get overwhelmed. He struggles with too much emotions. He isn’t very good with communicating his feelings and speaking up when he feels a certain  way. So he allows it to build up to the point he feels like he wants to escape ASAP. We have had 2 breaks in the past due to him feeling overwhelmed by everything. He truly struggles with his self identity and he feels like he’s lost his manhood. I have suggested we incorporate healthy boundaries and he needs to be stern in his need for space which he never is. He tends to tag me along everywhere and hang out with me almost 24/7. Eventually he feels overwhelmed with everything and distances himself. He is afraid of what the relationship does to him and he even told me he is no longer inlove with me. He said he loves me so much and cares about me but he doesn’t feel inlove. And I asked him if him not being stern in needing space and always just giving in to my feelings and needs built up resentment and caused his spark of love for me to be fogged out. He says that that could be a contributing factor to how he feels. He said so many heart breaking things that led me to believe he is done for good until I asked if he wants me to stop fighting for him and he just burst into tears. He then opened up through heavy sobbing and crying that he is so confused and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he says he has so many questions and he doesn’t feel like he knows who he Is. And he cried so hard and once he calmed down he said he had no idea he was holding so much inside. He said he felt so much better and that he needed to let that out. I spent the whole day and evening in tears torn to pieces that the man I’m inlove with and am living with is no longer inlove with me. So we came home after the gym and I was back in tears about everything and he said we not done talking. My response was that he already told me how he felt about me and he said that after he cried he never new how much he was holding in and that he said those things before he cried and let it all out. So we both sat on the edge of our bed and I asked him once again if he wants me to stop fighting for him and move on and he again burst into tears and he cried for a while and couldn’t answer me. He again said he had no idea he was holding in so much emotional baggage and suggested we get high and tipsy to relax us . So we did and emmidiatly he found himself drawn to me being a little high and being in his presence made me happy and joyful. He couldn’t stop looking at me smile and said ” God it’s so good to see you smile” and then he asked what’s going to happen between us and I said it’s up to him because I’m still In love with him. He then opened up about how while he was crying he felt a different part of him drawn to me and that his never felt it before and suddenly we both felt electricity between us and we ended up kissing and had sex. So afterwords he asked me to come stand with him in our kitchen while he makes food but at that point I was tipsy and was too wobbly so I stayed on the bed. I then began to feel sad about us and starting going through my phone of pictures of us and it just brought me to tears which was difficult for him to see. He just sighed in being dissapointed in himself and continued making food. I just felt so much abandonment because although we connected… I know he still has deep routed issues about our life together and being “domestic” as he says. I’ve been very down and crying most of the time and it’s been 3 days now. The last thing I remember him saying he needed was to be alone. We still live together and he still tries to care for me and talk to me until I asked once again if he wants me to stop fighting for him and move on. He once again says he doesn’t know and I said to him that that’s the first question to ask yourself in order to know wether we work together and get through this or we go our separate ways and you will never see me again. He didn’t say a word so I suggested we do a no contact for a week, I suggested he goes to stay at his grandads or cousins house and it may be hard but we need to refrain from contacting each other… that’s the only way you will know and figure your feelings out. He then was shocked that I said a week and asked how am I going to cope. I told him I will have to suffer and deal with the pain. He then said but his worried about me and I told him that if he want us to separate he will no longer be able to take care of me and then he mentioned that he has been taking care of me for almost 3 years. He then said that no matter what happens everything will be okay. I then said that he has no place to give me comforting advice because he is the one who has wasted 3 years of my life and love. He then sighed in self disappointment and we didn’t really speak since then. Last night he sat outside reading, drinking tea. Just isolating himself in silence. Today he left for the gym and didn’t say a word to me, he then came back this evening and packed a Small bag and built up the courage to say he will be back in the morning. I feel like us not speaking to each other has made us even more misreble and even though he admits that he’s more unhappy now than he was before this came up he still has inner conflict that I can’t fix. We have such a great bond and it’s very easy for us to get caught up in each others presence especially after letting go of anger and crying together. He will always have these problems if we don’t take space and overcome the resentment and find our individuality. Should I try connect with him and show him I’m comfortable with him going out and having time to himself and space. Or should I be distant and mute towards him?

    #270621
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Is there too much resentment for him to see his love for me or is there a possibility of me proving to him I can give him healthy space to find himself and to be himself.

    #270625
    Ladybug
    Participant

    No relationships is perfect and for us we got stuck in a routine and not being the young energetic individuals we are. My clingy behaviour may not have been an issue but the build up of suffocation gave no rooms for us to be individuals and also at some point killed our spontaneous romance. We have lost alot of our spark at such a young age due to us not having our own separate lives so there has been no room to air out any irritations we have towards each other. We both kind of allow it to get bottled up until we start feeling annoyed with silly things when we together. And he hasn’t had any time with his friends and he’s a very busy guy so if he’s not busy with his career I’m taking up all his time and I still tend to be annoyed and demanding but what I didn’t realise is it’s space that I needed to clear the air between us and bring back his romantic side.

    #270635
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Ladybug:

    I will be  able to read your posts when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Please post anytime you’d like, adding to the posts you already submitted. I will read all when I am back. I hope other members read and reply to you before I am back.

    anita

    #270739
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    We communicated back and forth for a  long time. This relationship is no longer about love, the way I see it. It is about fear, guilt and anger.

    May of this year, the beginning of your first thread, you wrote: “I think he  feels like crap because of the pain he  is causing me”. On this thread you wrote that you told  him that “he is  the  one who has wasted 3 years of my life and love”, and following you suggesting a one week separation he “asked how am I going  to cope”. You answered him: “I will have to  suffer and deal with the pain”. Next, “He then said but his  worried about me.. then he  mentioned  that he has been taking care of me for almost 3 years”.

    I think he is staying with you because he is afraid that  you  will not  live without him. And I  think you keep letting him know that you cannot live without him. How can a  man feel in-love with a woman he is afraid to leave?

    He  is afraid of other things as well, I am sure. But  his fear  that  you will not live without him is great and  he  doesn’t  want to be the reason for your collapse if  he leaves you. He very  well knows how desperately you feel that  you need him.

    You are angry at him and he knows that as well.

    Sure he has  his own issues from long ago,  but so do you, no less. And  the two of you are together because of fear, not because of love, not anymore.

    I don’t think you can rely  on your explanations of what is  going  on, not anymore. Underneath those on-the-surface logical explanations, there is  your illogical and desperate need for him. This need should be  addressed in quality individual psychotherapy for yourself, as soon  as possible, I believe.

    anita

     

    #270829
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    I read through our extensive communication in your other two threads. I noticed that I didn’t read before your Oct 29 last post in your previous thread and I read it this morning.  I re-read  your three posts on this new thread carefully and this is my input:

    Your boyfriend is not doing well and  neither are you. He is suffering and you do too. This relationship is unhealthy for him and  for you, a dysfunctional and  damaging relationship  for him  and for you, and has been so for many months, getting worse.

    When you ask him if he wants you to stop fighting for the relationship he is unable to answer you because he  is in too much pain, this  is why he burst crying, repeatedly. But he  had a moment of clarity when he told you that  he  needed to be alone (“The last thing I remember him saying he needed to be alone”).

    For his well being and for yours, it is very clear to me,  that this relationship needs to end ASAP, that  the two of you must end the shared living arrangement you and  live separately, no longer in a relationship of any kind.

    He feels suffocated living with you and he wants  out of the relationship, “He  has been feeling very suffocated… He feels like  he wants  to   escape ASAP… He  is afraid of what the relationship does to him” He cries and heavily sob and needed to get high in order to have sex with you.

    The relationship makes  him feel like a failure. Notice, I am not referring to his career making him feel like a failure, but to the relationship with you. It is the relationship itself that is harming him.

    On your part you are very angry with him: “He then said that no matter what happens everything will be okay. I then said that he has no place to give me comforting advice because he  is the one who has wasted 3 years of my life and love”-

    -but you were and are part  of that waste.. You keep rationalizing the relationship, calling what  he  has been going through an “identity crisis” and a “phase”, minimizing it, thinking of it as something temporary that all men go through and so forth. In reality, you are an equal participant in a dysfunctional relationship that is harming him and you.

    If you don’t trust my input here, then attend quality psychotherapy and  examine this. I think you need quality professional help to end this relationship and heal from what kept you in this for so long. It  is time to look at what is  going on within you and focus on you and on making your life make  sense.

    Please post again anytime. I will be  glad to communicate with you at this still-difficult time. There is light at the end of the  dark tunnel you have been in for too long.

    anita

     

    #271247
    Ladybug
    Participant

    The issue is that he and I both know all that we have been through and felt together. We have shared highs and lows and have always been there for one another. The issues we have been facing is due to lack of separation. He has issues, I have issues and we didn’t get enough time apart to work through our troubles. I can admit now that I have not given him enough space to be himself and he has admitted to being the reason I have become so clingy (an incident where he blamed me for having interest with a guy) he handled the situation as if I did something so terribl wrong that I eventually cut off alot of that part of my life and just put all my time and effort towards us. He was happy and so was I but he rely struggles to communicate his needs for space and he was somewhat insecure about guys hitting on me so it was a very difficult period where we could not understand each other and what’s the best thing for our relationship. So with all the bottled up stress on our rationship. We both tried and we both were trying to figure out the right way to do this. And with everything that’s happening we are learning to invest more into ourselves. We both know that we do sacfrifice certain things for each other and it’s not the right type of sacrifice. Yes there is fear and yes there is love.. We are like best friends regardless of our failed attempts at what this relationship needs. Over the last few days we have been giving each other alot of space, we allowing each other more trusting privacy and we are focusing on ourselves for now. We just needed time to reflect and to air out the bad attempts that has slowly turned into resentment. So far we are more attracted to each other than we have been in a long while. He had opened up to me about how confused he is and how he feels like we should start over and get to know each other from the start again. He also opened up about not knowing how to live on his own and how he doesn’t know how to exist and do things on his own and it bothers him. His a man trying to be the best version of himself and he has led this relationship and me down a very disfunctional path. He knew what he wanted with me and he knew our relationship needed some changes for us to grow long term. If you knew him the way I do you’d understand the chaos that is surrounding him. We tried to have the no contact rule which ended in him asking if we will be spending Christmas together. I gave him the opportunity to choose and he said he wants to so we ended up going around to his and my families. He then invited me along to his family outing to the beach yesterday, we still giving each other space. He and I have great conversations everyday and we get along much better with all the expectations and pressure gone. Yes there is some growing pains involved with either of us spending time apart as we not so use to but we are handling it well. This all has happened only in the space of a week from wanting to end us completely to us giving each other space and getting along alot better, having sex twice in one night and neither of us is high or drunk. The more we try and avoid showing our interest in each other the more it slips out. He has gone back to his habit of speaking to me in his gentle voice and occasionally playing with me. He did this thing yesterday that we only do as a couple and that’s taking my hand and twirling me in any random public place. And part of the no contact is to not share where we going or communicate for any reason… but clearly that is far from what’s happening. He hangs out with his friends alot more now and they aparently will be going out tomorrow night which is a very scary step for me cause we never go to clubs without each other but I’m keeping calm and remembering some things are out of my control and I can do best with what I can control and that’s myself. We both believe that emotions are temporary and it’s like weather.. it will soon pass and that’s what has happened with us, alot of the resentment and pressure has faded and now we left with nothing but our good connection. We both keep it as minimal as possible and we avoid too much couple like behaviour so that we can use this time to grow. We believe that people can change and grow so that’s why it’s difficult for us to just give up on each other. He knows my family and I know his. He is 24 and I’m 23. I have recently lost my job which resulted in us starting our own business selling clothes. I said that I would step away from the business but he said that would not be a good idea in the case that we split and I’ll have no money.  I think I need more advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship with a man especially one has great vision of success for himself. How can I be healthy for myself and for him.

    #271251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    “How can I be healthy for myself and for him”- you have to  be willing to live apart  from him, to not have  him in your life at all.

    You need him too much, willing to do anything and everything. You  sound rational, but over time I learned that  your use of logic is in the context of your desperation, meaning, you will think any thing that will keep him in your life.

    The way I see  it, you have this  one  vision and nothing else: him. You have to  have him in your life.  Nothing else matters. Giving him space, this is means to an end, keeping  him in your life.

    Got to take  care of that desperation so that you can really think logically and act  wisely.

    anita

     

    #271397
    Mark
    Participant

    Ladybug,

    You say you have clingy behavior, that you take up all his time and tend to be annoyed and demanding. You said that you don’t have separate lives.

    Now you two are learning to invest more in your own selves. He says that he does not know how to live independently.
    You are asking for advice how to maintain a healthy relationship and how you can be healthy for yourself and for him.

    I agree with Anita, that if you want to be emotionally healthy and have a healthy relationship then go work with a therapist.

    I don’t really see much in your posts on you and your behavior. You have written mainly about him.  What do you think that you need to change, to do in order to be healthier?

    Mark

    #390696
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    I wanted to locate your thread, so I went back page by page, all the way back to December 28, 2018, the last day we communicated, three years ago. I understand that you are not likely to be following your old thread, and it would be a miracle if you reply to me. I want to re-read our previous communication and post to you again in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #390754
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug/ Reader:

    I know, Ladybug, that there is a very little chance that you are following this thread, but just in case, I wanted to let you know that I am still working on a post for you, and it looks like I won’t have it ready before tomorrow, Jan 5 or Jan 6.

    anita

    #390819
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug/ Reader:

    I will rearrange your story so to fit it into a timeline and present it in an organized way. I will refer to your boyfriend (or perhaps ex-boyfriend at this time) as M:

    You and M grew up separately in unstable and very unhealthy living situations: “His father…  faded out of his life… His mother…  is diagnosed… She for years was accusing her mother of sending demons to haunt her and they have been moving from house to house… So, (as) a young boy he has moved to 7 different schools and about 20 different homes…He always told me that his mother used to shout and swear when he got homework wrong. She used to scream with so much anger that the saliva would come from her mouth… She pretends to be caring and giving but its only her ammo to later use (it) against you. She thinks her kids are her property … One moment she’s praising him and being a proud mother and the next she’s passively insulting him and degrading him. Also, she has kicked him out her house many times for no real reason…she’s always up and down, warm and cold… She used to lash out or kick him out, and punish him if he did anything wrong”, “He was a skinny kid that got pushed around not only at school but by his mother too”.

    About your childhood, you wrote only this: “I as well had a very unhealthy living situations as my parents were alcoholics”.

    Your relationship with M started at about the end of 2015.  Sometimes during 2017, he asked for a break, and you reacted this way: “I broke down and sent him a million texts… I was in so much pain and anxiety I couldn’t eat, I barely slept… I locked myself in my room for days and barely came out… After the third day, I wanted to take my life and I told him the pain is too much”.

    Eventually you got back together and moved into his mother’s place, but she kicked the two of you out overnight, and the two of you were forced to rent a place of your own. You and M shared rent and other expenses. You had a reliable job, and M, an MMA fighter, did not yet experience stability of career and income. When living with M, you saved money so to study, but once the relationship became unstable, you decided to not spend the money to study because, if you had to move out, you would need that saved money to pay a higher rent, living on your own.

    In the beginning months of 2018, you were unhappy about him being “lazy and forgetful… so we would always get into arguments trying to get him to take initiative… We both became emotionally drained because of the arguments…he feels we have been arguing about meaningless stuff which only has made him bitter… we began to argue and butt heads”, he turned bitter and emotionally distant.

    He then “took a week break from the relationship to figure things out and wasn’t sure of he was going to get back together with me. which by the end of that week he did”.

    A few months later, in the beginning of May 2018, “he asked a break and only this time he said he doesn’t know how long it will take or if he will get back together with me… This break came after I had sent him a long text of how unhappy and insecure I was with in the relationship and practically told him his failing and pointed out all that he is slacking on… overbearing him with all my needs and demands”.

    In regard to the break, the two of you decided to not hookup with others and you continued to live together. One reason for continuing to live together was that neither one of you was able to afford living on your own: “He and i share bills so neither of us can move out”.

    Not only did the two of you continue to share the same apartment you also continued to share the same bed and the same routines: “He still cuddles me at night, we laugh and talk, and we even have sex… we gym together and haven’t told anyone about us being on a break… we still carry a normal life together… he still routinely fetches me from work and drops me in the mornings. He brings me coffee or tea… We do household shopping together… He still brings me to his family gatherings”.

    The break consisted of the intent and practice of keeping emotional intimacy out: “We even have sex (we try to keep it purely physical) … the daily intimate kisses, hugs and eye contact has stopped, he talks to me all the time but it’s cold and emotionally distant…He has completely disconnected from being emotionally intimate… We don’t hold hands or kiss… Only time we kiss is when we have sex…I miss calling him babe or by the nick name we call each other, I miss holding his hand and hugging him”.

    You tried to make him change his mind and heart in the following ways: (1) Trying to get close to you: “He got overwhelmed when I kept sending emotional texts and trying to get close to him”, (2) Acting hot and cold: “I try a little hot and cold behavior towards him”, (3) Disappearing for a weekend: “I disappeared for the weekend… I refused to answer his calls or respond to his messages which led to him freaking out and calling my friends and family. I felt he needed to feel what it’s like not to have me around and not know what I’m doing”, (4) Showing him and proving to him that you are growing, so to appear more attractive to him: “When we started dating he always said he wants us to always push each other to grow”, “I haven’t been growing and bettering myself and if he is on a growth path and I stay stuck in my same ways, it won’t excite him to get back with me.. I would like to prove to him that I am motivated to grow with him… I just need to give it time and slowly prove to him that this break has grown me into a different woman and I’m in a much better and mature headspace… he just needs more evidence of a healthier, happier and more independent woman… I indirectly drop hints to show him I’ve matured and am in a much happier place”.

    The break seemed to have benefited him at one point: “He said he feels very focused during this break, and he has that blood hunger for life again”, and you expressed the motivation to no longer be clingy, and instead, be “more independent and less reliant on him for happiness”, you treated him very well and it seemed like he was responded nicely: “He also has been doing chores around the house and remembering little things I mentioned needs to be done but never asked him to do it, he has been doing all these little efforts and I’ve thanked and praised him for remembering and doing things around the house, I show him how happy it makes me and also makes him feel good and competent inside, I don’t complain and whine about anything anymore”. But every so often, you expressed your anger, repeatedly referring to him as lazy, and saying things like: “I give and give and give but I’m not getting the same effort in return”.

    More than 3 months into the break, in August 2018, you wrote: “This break practically ended on its own, he calls me his girlfriend and speaks about us as if none of the break drama happened”, but you were anxious: “He looks at me with love in his eyes and wants to spend time with me and make plans together but I have so much anxiety”, and you were angry at him following an evening when you wore a revealing red top and he got jealous about men noticing you: “Now that I’m actually getting noticed by other males he has the nerve to voice his opinion when I stayed loyal to him through all the heartache and while he was actually speaking to other women and ignoring me… I’m bothered he doesn’t feel the need to apologize for what he did, I’m angry at his lack of effort to win me back”. Angry, you referred to him as “Arrogant, selfish, ruthless, heartless, emotionless… a commitment phobe with childhood issues”, and to yourself, you referred as “the shattered woman with tears in her eyes banging on the doors of his heart… a selfless, caring, gentle and loyal woman as me”.

    – to be continued tomorrow.

    anita

     

    #391174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug/ Reader, continued, part 2/2

    Having read my post of January 6 above, these are my thoughts: Ladybug’s boyfriend was a victim of an unstable, unreliable, unpredictably angry mother who terribly mistreated him. Fast forward, Ladybug enters his life as a girlfriend, a step up from the abusive, crazy mother but not by a whole lot.

    Ladybug entered the relationship as an anxious, restless young woman who looks for the man in her life to calm her anxiety and make her feel good forevermore. It is the and they lived happily ever after expectation of the damsel in distress. She is single mindedly focused on him (aka being codependent), and on what he may be doing wrong. Although she has suffered from anxiety and low self-esteem way before her boyfriend entered her life, she is looking at him as the cause for the anxiety that way preceded him, blaming him for what he had no part in causing. Whenever she is not feeling okay, it must be his fault, something he did wrong. Focusing exclusively on him, on his childhood, on his mother, she is not looking at herself, at her childhood, at her mother, etc. She hardly mentioned anything about her life, it’s all about him. This focus does not at all benefit him, it harms him and her.

    Clinging to him, complaining, demanding, arguing, trying to control him, she exhausts her boyfriend, so he repeatedly broke up with her, but the two reunited. The May 2018 long, partial break was a success: Ladybug, afraid that he will break up with her completely and permanently, was on her best behavior for a long time: not complaining, not quick to point to his failures, not arguing, not demanding, not clinging, and the result: he thrived in her supportive behavior, and the partial break ended.

    When the partial break ended, he thought that Ladybug will continue to be her much improved, supportive version, but because Ladybug no longer feared a complete breakup, her anger returned, and with it, the clinginess, the complaints, the demands, the controlling behaviors and her accusatory, blaming finger kept pointing in his direction.  Here are quotes from her August 2018- December 2018 posts, and my interpretations:

    August 14, 2018: “So far this break practically ended on its own, he calls me his girlfriend… everything going great… But I have so many insecurities… He looks at me with love in his eyes and wants to spend time with me and make plans together, but I have so much anxiety… I don’t know how long I can pretend I’m okay… I’m bothered he doesn’t feel the need to apologize for what he did, I’m angry at his lack of effort to win me back… He wanted to be reckless… an Arrogant, selfish, ruthless, heartless, emotionless, depressed, confused, and broken man. And I was the shattered woman with tears in her eyes banging on the doors of his heart” –

    – Everything was going great, she wrote, but she is still anxious and angry, just as she was before she ever met him. He was never the cause of her anxiety and anger. But she assigns him with the responsibility, nonetheless. She figures something like I am still anxious and angry because he did or is doing something wrong! She then attacks his very character, referring to him as arrogant, selfish, etc. She even blames him for being broken, as if having been broken by his mother is a wrongness of his character. She then portrays herself as a shattered woman. She doesn’t present her own shattered-ness (brokenness) as a wrongness of her character because allegedly, it is he who shattered her, an innocent victim of a guilty man.

    “His very lazy and his at home during the day as I am at work but every day I come home to a messy house. Its tiring but I try and not feel resentment in his habits” – angry, she keeps complaining, just as she did before the partial break. Her improved behavior during the break is showing cracks, now that she is no longer as afraid of him breaking up with her.

    August 15: “He knows I’m an amazing woman and he’ll never find such a selfless, caring, gentle and loyal woman as me” – she presents herself as selfless, caring, and gentle, indeed the innocent victim of a selfish, uncaring, unkind man.

    August 16: “He has become so lazy in his effort and if I think about it…. It’s because I allowed him to slack down…. If I kept my standards from the start, he wouldn’t be lazing around… I allowed him to just forget about our anniversary and there were zero repercussions” – back is the demands, controlling Ladybug, I allowed him… zero repercussions, as if she is the authority figure in the relationship and he is the naughty child.

    “I need to started making for requests in what I would like. Like ask him to plan a date or plan something romantic even if it’s just at home”.

    August 17:  “I requested him to do something, and it was done when I got home. I also asked him to plan a romantic date even if it’s a romantic evening at home and he went to go buy some candles. The issue he is dealing with now is he struggles to get sexually excited… I told him how I’m feeling a little frustrated from the lack of sex and he confessed that he struggles to get sexually excited. I told him it’s caused from lazy habits, and it needs to change in order for our sex life to improve” –

    – he accommodated her requests, but she is neither satisfied nor grateful because she is still anxious, so she figures he must be doing something else that is wrong, his fault, his lazy habits!

    August 20-23: “Things are slowly progressing… But now that we are doing much better and our relationship is in a good place, I can’t understand why he has such a low sex drive… This worries me” – her anxious mind is not satisfied with what is right (things progressing, relationship being in a good place), it keeps looking for what is wrong.

    August 26-28: “Things have been running smooth recently… I’ve done quite a bit of research and some guys can’t make a woman their first priority until they have found themselves or achieved certain goals… I’m here to grow with him and not add weight onto his shoulders…. I have to trust that he is working hard to create successful life for himself and for us and not make him feel guilty for it” –

    – she is not satisfied with what is right (things running smoothly). Her anxious mind is worried that he is not making her his first priority, so she researches the topic and is trying to talk sense to herself, she says to herself: stop adding weight onto his shoulders, stop distrusting him, stop making him feel guilty for not making me his first priority, then maybe he will!

    September 10: “So although everything’s going good and I’ve seen some great changes in our relationship I am more aware now of how easy he gets it, I usually let him off the hook so easy… so I’ve started asking more of what I want and making it clear when I’m disappointed, I do not pressure him or nag but I am less accepting of his lazy habits and instead of keeping quiet and picking up his slack I make it known what standard I’m willing to accept from him… I do hate how much I’m willing to wait for him to be the man I need…  I need to be patient while his on this journey to success” –

    – she is not satisfied with what is right (everything going smoothly). She is looking for what is wrong (his lazy habits), and she gets angry, presenting herself again as the authority figure who is letting a lazy child off the hook too easily. But she is trying to not nag him and to not pressure him like before, she is trying to be patient and understanding instead. Will she make it?

    September 21: “He will never own up to a stupid decision driven by stupid emotions… he will try and justify and make it sound like he knows what he’s doing. Trying to get a head strong person to confess their wrong doings is like trying to move a mountain. Although I am still positive… it still infuriates me that he is continuing our relationship innocently and has never apologized for the pain he caused me’ – ANGRY, she is calling his emotions stupid, wanting him to confess his alleged wrongdoings!

    September 27: “He has very bad habits, Hes not very tidy, he sleeps late. He procrastinates. His lifestyle is very unreliable and irresponsible… Yesterday we were texting, and I mentioned to him that someday I’d like him to apologize for all the pain he has caused me… he has not yet come to me and admit that he screwed up and that he’s sorry… so my unhappiness is all routed to him changing in selfish ways” – GETTING ANGRIER.

    October 9:  “I do have trouble trusting him and his friends, so I think that is why I don’t encourage us spending too much time apart. But I feel that I need to let go of things I can’t control… He has recently told me that we need to have more friends and that we need to get more away from each other, He said that he can’t miss me if he’s always spending time with me” – clingy, distrustful and controlling, she doesn’t give him the space that he needs.

    October 29: “he says I need to find a happiness outside the relationship that he can’t give me. He puts himself first and says that I need to do the same. he says we need to be doing what makes us happy and that way we can bring more to the relationship. I completely agree with what he says… being so focused on him, his career and our life together has made me anxious, insecure, stressed and leads to me smothering him and overthinking everything”-

    – He is still asking for space. He still wants her to have a life outside of the relationship. On her part, she presented her focus on him as the cause for her anxiety, while reality is that her anxiety is the cause (and the result) of her focus on him: she is anxious, next, she looks for the problem and the solution in his behavior, not in her behavior.

    December 23: “He has been feeling very suffocated and says he doesn’t feel like he makes his own decisions. I do have an issue with being over clingy at times and I’m very emotional which means I tend to rely on him to take a lot of my emotional rants when I get overwhelmed…. He tends to tag me along everywhere and hang out with me almost 24/7. Eventually he feels overwhelmed with everything and distances himself. He is afraid of what the relationship does to him, and he even told me he is no longer in love with me… I spent the whole day and evening in tears torn to pieces… crying most of the time and it’s been 3 days now” –

    – things are no longer progressing well, things are getting worse and worse. She is fully back to her clingy, controlling, angry ways, back to emotional rants, he is overwhelmed and feeling suffocating him, just as he was when he initiated the partial break back in May.

    “I suggested we do a no contact for a week, I suggested he goes to stay at his grandads or cousins house…  He then was shocked that I said a week and asked how I am going to cope. I told him I will have to suffer” – he worries about her; she is trying to guilt trip him.

    “He then said that no matter what happens everything will be okay. I then said that he has no place to give me comforting advice because he is the one who has wasted 3 years of my life and love. He then sighed in self disappointment, and we didn’t really speak since” – he tries to comfort her; she tries to make him feel guilty.

    December 28, 2018: “Over the last few days we have been giving each other a lot of space… He is a man trying to be the best version of himself and he has led this relationship and me down a very dysfunctional path” – she is not yet accepting responsibility for leading the relationship down a very dysfunctional path. Instead, she is blaming him yet again.

    “We tried to have the no contact rule which ended in him asking if we will be spending Christmas together…. He then invited me along to his family outing to the beach yesterday, we still giving each other space… This all has happened only in the space of a week from wanting to end us completely to us… getting along a lot better, having sex twice in one night… We believe that people can change and grow so that’s why it’s difficult for us to just give up on each other… He is 24 and I’m 23” –

    – that was Ladybug’s last post. I hope that since then, the two of them either permanently broke up or proceeded to indeed “change and grow”, especially Ladybug. But all through her posts, to the very last, she kept blaming him. She kept superficially agreeing with him regarding giving him space etc., but she did not yet start (at least, not before Dec 2018) the process of healing from her childhood wounds, she did not yet genuinely examine her own defeating behaviors. During the partial break, she focused on appearing confident and independent, but those were only appearances.

    Unfortunately for her boyfriend, he is very much attached to Ladybug, unable (at least, not before Dec 2018) to permanently remove himself from a relationship that does him a great disservice.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by anita.
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