Dear P:

I think it is a bad idea to proceed and buy a house and move in with him- it sets the stage to this arrangement: you work to pay for the house, utilities, food, children (if you have those) while he spends the money he earns on whatever it is he is spending on it now. You will be more and more frustrated…(and if in the future you decide to separate/ divorce, you will have to sell the house and he will get 50% of the proceeds, according to community-property laws in the U.S.).

The only way I will consider buying a house with him and moving in with him any time soon, married or not, is if he hands me his paychecks (automatically deposited into my personal bank account to which he has no access). Then I would hand him spending money for each week, or month.

anita

He’ll think you’re insane if you ask him to give you his paychecks from which he’ll get an allowance like Anita is saying so be careful with that….

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Dallas.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Dallas.

P.

I’ve been there.  And I’m fortunate enough to be able to stand on the other side of my decision and say with 100% certainty, I made the right decision.  Here’s where our stories are the same:

Dated a guy, a SWEET man, very kind, very protective, very gentle….but not an ambitious bone in his body.  In our early 20’s, I was saving money, getting student loan debt down, trying to get $$ so we can move out of his parent’s house (long story why I was living there–another time)  He was working, oscillating back and forth about going back to school, AND he was a volunteer fireman.  While he was busy doing “things”, he was never thinking about the future, most notably, our future.

It stressed me out.  Here was a man who would do anything for me, who was so warm and patient and caring, who had never done a bad thing to me or anyone else, but who couldn’t take the steps to let our lives “grow together” as two people meant for each-other eventually do.

I met my husband while dating that man.  (this is where our respective stories diverge)  Oh,  I was “proper”, never being intimate or even kissing this new man while dating my boyfriend.  But the nagging decision of whether to take a chance on this new man, or stick with the nice and “comfortable” relationship of several years,  loomed over me for literally months.  I’ve never had such a hard time making a choice in my life, and to this day never have again.  But the new man –  had a job, and ambition, (and a house, that helped)

Well, after 7 months of unhappiness and pulling away, I broke up with the boyfriend. Not going to lie, it was tough.  I felt like I was killing his puppy dog.  Years later I married my husband, we have two children, a nice home, and our own businesses and we complement each other perfectly.

When I claim I can say with 100% certainty I did the right thing, it’s because I still kept in touch with the previous boyfriend, albeit sporadically.  Want to know what he is doing now, 15 years later?  He still lives in his parent’s house.  His life is working a mediocre job, and helping his dad work in his small engine shop.  He doesn’t travel, he doesn’t do anything.  It’s perfectly fine for him to live that way, (just like it’s perfectly fine your boyfriend of 8 years lives whichever way he lives)  But it wasn’t fine for me.

So despite the painful period of decision making on my part, and the years of guilt (which much later were assuaged when he told me he realized in the end we didn’t “fit”)  Making the choice to be with someone FOR ME, and not simply because “they are a nice person and they love me”  will always go down as the most important and pivotal decision I’ve ever made in my life.

Best of luck girl.  You’ll be alright.