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Boyfriend wants a break

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Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
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  • February 25, 2014 at 7:39 pm #51783
    Amanda
    Participant

    I’m extremely anxious right now because my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I decided that we needed a week long break since Sunday night until Friday because we went through a dose of chronic fighting over the weekend. It was extremely exhausting and I have taken the past 2 nights to think and realize that our fighting was due to my lack of confidence and emotions that kept coming up and picking at fights with him.

    I just feel so bad that I put him through all that stress to the point that he had to suggest that we take a break and “chill out”. He has told me that he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship anymore because of all this fighting and drama. We’ve fought about whether or not he helps me with daily chores and how he isn’t as sweet as before but the last fight was about him wanting to rekindle with an old friend that he was sort of seeing when we broke up once… I wasn’t okay with it at first but he reassured me that it was just to be friends with her and that I would have the opportunity to get to know her too. But I kept picking at it because I wasn’t worried he would cheat but that he didn’t confide in me in the first place about how he felt and what he wanted to do. I just felt like I was left out. I feel so foolish now for pushing him to want a break and possibly to just be friends.

    My heart aches because I know that this problem is possibly 80% my fault because I have to take control of my emotions more and be more confident as a partner so that he can feel like he can approach me with something like this. After the first time we broke up I realize now that I spent so much of my time depending on him to make me feel better about my insecurities with friends and life when the idea is that we are whole and nothing outside of us completes us. I should have realized that life goes on and that being happy and at peace with myself would allow our relationship to flourish in the sense that we would be carefree and fun like before. I hate how you don’t realize when something changes and I feel like it may be too late.

    I dread that he tells me on Friday that he thinks we should be friends when for the first time in months, I can see clearly now and that I am the problem and I know exactly what I should do to let our relationship survive. I guess I’m just really sharing my guilt but also wondering if anyone had a positive outlook on my situation. I am trying my best to look forward to Friday and believe that we will survive this. I want to convince him that he doesn’t have to worry about fights or my insecurities for a long while. I just want us to be happy and enjoy the time we spend together from now on.

    Thank you for your time and feel free to ask for any more details for you to truly understand.

    February 26, 2014 at 8:51 am #51823
    Will
    Participant

    These are all good insights. Tell him that you understand now, apologise for being too dependent and insecure, and prove to him you can do better by accepting his answer either way.

    Whether he breaks up with you or not, you’ll be ok. If you can come to truly believe this, you’ll never have this problem again.

    February 26, 2014 at 9:48 am #51829
    Kelly
    Participant

    Will gives very good advice. I agree, especially the last paragraph: You will be ok no matter what. Try not to look at this as you being on trial and you are awaiting the judge to return from chambers with a verdict. Take this time apart to not only look at your own behaviors in the relationship but to also evaluate what it is you want and need from a partner. I have been in your position and when I was there, I was in a panic, just wanting him to be with me, kicking myself for all the things I did wrong, saying “if only” I had done this or that, or not done this or that and in the end all I was doing was torturing myself. If you recognize behaviors in yourself that you want to change or improve upon, that’s great. But I’d encourage you to also consider that you have every right to feel your feelings and to express them when things don’t feel right, like for example him wanting to rekindle a friendship with someone he was previously romantically involved. That would make me uncomfortable as well. What I’m trying to say is that it’s wonderful you want to work on your self-esteem so that you can be more secure in your relationship(s), don’t take on more of this burden than necessary. I don’t know that it’s “80%” your fault. You’re both in this relationship and you both need to work together to find peace and happiness within that relationship.

    Value yourself, with or without him.

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