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Bpd and trusting bf

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  • #356378
    Charlotte
    Participant

    Hello, first I would like to apologize if I write something wrong because I’m not a native English speaker …

     

    Now I want to talk about my relationship because after a fight with my boyfriend I would like to have a different point of view from someone who is not emotionally involved with any of us.

     

    I have been with my boyfriend since January, before we dated for 3 months. We weren’t exclusive, but I actually stopped seeing other people during that period. From the beginning I told him about my bpd condition and he was ok with it, but he really didn’t know all the challenges that it would represent.

     

    Before dating him, I was single for 4 years because I was avoiding having feelings due to my difficulties in having a stable relationship, but when I met him I felt a connection and really wanted to give me the opportunity to love.

     

    I was afraid to feel everything I was feeling, so in January I told him that we should slow down a bit because we weren’t even talking about what we were, but we still started to introduce ourselves to our parents and friends (and I was even staying at his house that night) but he didn’t take it well because he thought that somehow I was expressing that I was still seeing other people, we had a fight and the next day he said that we shouldn’t be together, so I grabbed my things to I left, but he insisted on taking me to the bus station (because I live in another city) and when we got there he told me that he was scared because he also felt things but that he really wanted to have a relationship, so we decided to continue and be officially exclusive.

     

    I have trust issues due to past experiences and unfortunately my boyfriend made the mistake of sharing his cell phone password with me. A month later, while he was sleeping, I unlocked his phone and found an archived chat, I opened it to see that he was talking to an ex, in which he was claiming to her tha she was dating a new guy to which she replied that he was doing the exact same thing and he said and I quote “it’s not the same, it’s nothing”. I was furious, so I started looking at all the other conversations to find out that there were a lot of girls he was sexting with, sending nudes and talking dirty. I woke him up, I showed him the conversation, I grabbed my things and left (because once again I was staying with him), it hurt so much that when he tried to touch me I yelled him not to do it because it hurt and maybe for those with bpd may this sound familiar… I left and he tried to stop me, but when he saw that I was not going to believe anything, he just let me go. The problem was that I didn’t have money for the bus, so even though I was really angry, I had to go back and ask him to lend me money… Her aunt was there that day, so while I was waiting for him to look for money, she spoke to me and asked me to give him the opportunity to explain himself, saying that we were young and that the relationship had just started… she just convinced me, so I listened to him and he said he was trying to change, that’s why he blocked his ex (which was true) and that the things with nudes were because it fed his ego, but that he was willing to stop because he was falling in love with me. I gave him another chance, more for me than for him, but I made the mistake of giving him time to find a way to close that past relationship in a good way, but that took him a whole month and during that time although he didn’t speak to her because he had her blocked, I suffered every day. When I was about to tell him that I couldn’t take it anymore, he took the initiative and did it alone, he even sent me a screenshot in which he said that he had said things that were not true, that he was with me and that being with me was actually something important. She replied that she knew it, that I was the one who would see the best of him.

     

    Since then he has not spoken to her, he even deleted her number and conversation, and he blocked and eliminated almost all the girls he was sexting with, except for the ones who he said that were also friends, but he completely stopped doing sexting. Even so, a month ago I found something that completely surprised me, a conversation in which he was talking to his best friend about selling girls nudes from a fake account, first they considered selling the nudes they had from other girls, but my boyfriend suggested buying and reselling webcam model photos because that was more credible. Although I was really upset I didn’t say anything afterwards, I was in shock and trying to process everything, but a few days later I exploded, I was very disappointed that he considered doing those things and he reopened injuries that I had due to sexual abuse and trusting that the wrong people, so this time I was more than determined to cut that relationship and I did. But the next day his mother called me because he had had an episode of anxiety (he suffers from that condition), he took a lot of pills with alcohol and ended up in the hospital with a cut on his head … during those days I kept talking to him because I was genuinely worried about him, I was already in love with him and I was weak, so after a few days and after he promised me that he would get help to stop those negative behaviors, once again I gave him a chance.

     

    But yesterday, when I asked him if I could see his conversation with another ex (I don’t take his phone without permission anymore), with whom he said they were still friends and got along because they had the same kind of humor… I saw that a month ago she was telling him that she was trying to date a boy and that she didn’t have a job because of quarantine, so she created an account in an app where people can pay for her photos, he asked her what kind of content she posted and she said that mostly photos in underwear because people paid more for those, so he made a joke telling her like “sure, anyone would pay to see that ass” and he kept saying something like “how lucky is the guy who has that cute little ass”… I was reamly mad and upset. He said it was joking, but I felt that that was too inappropriate, even if it was a month ago, even if it was before the last time we break up. I felt betrayed and very disrespected, although he apologized he continued to justify him with what he said was a joke and the thing is that if he himself cannot clearly see what is wrong, how could I trust that he will not make more and more mistakes than in the end I will forgive because I am deeply in love …

     

     

    #356804
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charlotte:

    It is interesting that his aunt talked to you about giving him another opportunity, Feb, I think (“she spoke to me and asked me to give him the opportunity to explain himself, saying that we were young and the relationship had just started.. she just convinced me”), and in April, his mother called you for the same purpose (“his mother called me because he had an episode of anxiety.. he took a lot of pills with alcohol and ended up in the hospital”).

    This feels suspicious to  me, that his aunt and his mother are involved in his life this way.

    The title of your thread is “Bpd and trusting bf”- after reading your original post I don’t see the issue as your BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I see the issue as you being in love with a young man who is not an honest or decent man.

    If you follow his aunt’s advice and give him yet another and another opportunity, what you are giving him is .. yet another opportunity to show you that he is dishonest and indecent. And if his mother calls you again with a story of him taking pills etc., I wouldn’t give in to that dishonest manipulation (I think that the story is either partially or completely a lie).

    Your BPD diagnosis may be relevant in other relationships, but in the context of this relationship, it is not relevant because your lack of trust in him is about his behavior.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #356814
    Charlotte
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    After reading my original post, I can see what you mean by saying that the main problem is not really about my bpd … but I can’t deny that it affects my ability to trust people.

    I know you are right to be concerned about third party intervention in this, but the incident with the pills was real, he spent the night in the emergency room and his mother called me when they were already there, she didn’t know about our breakup and as he was unconscious, she thought I would be worried if I called or texted him and he didn’t respond …

    I’m not trying to justify anything, but I know that like me, my bf also suffers from a condition that affects his mental health and nervous system.

    #356826
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charlotte:

    I am still suspicious: if her son was admitted to the hospital that night and was unconscious, I can’t imagine that his mother had the state of mind to think of you, her son’s new girlfriend, and be concerned about you worrying if you called and he didn’t answer.

    I would think that a mother worrying about her son being unconscious following a suicide attempt, will be beside herself, not in the calm mindset to be worrying about you calling him.

    Don’t you think?

    anita

    #356872
    Charlotte
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I don’t think so, I mean, we spent a lot of time with each other’s family, also because he once had an anxiety crisis after a party night we had in my hometown where we both drank a lot, and that altered his system nervous to the point that I had to take him to the hospital because he was hyperventilating, he was even suffering from muscular paralysis, that’s why I think his mother really appreciated that I was with him, that I took him to the hospital and took care of him so I honestly thibk she was just informing me about the situation…

    #356909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Charlotte:

    You may very well be right and his mother is trustworthy. Notice what you wrote earlier about trust “I have trust issues due to past experiences.. my bpd.. affects my ability to trust people”- well, it doesn’t affect your ability to trust his mother. So there are people that you trust and have no difficulty trusting.

    Regarding your boyfriend: you found out that he was sexting with other women, “sending nudes and talking dirty”,saying about his relationship with you that “it’s nothing”. More recently he talked to a friend of his “about selling girls nudes from a fake account”, suggesting “buying and reselling webcam model photos”- no wonder you have a problem trusting him!

    At one point he “had an episode of anxiety.. he took a lot of pills with alcohol”- this development does not change the fact that he has been repeatedly not worthy of your trust. You didn’t trust him not because you have a diagnosis of bpd, but because his behavior has been untrustworthy. His anxiety does not change his untrustworthiness. Taking pills with alcohol is yet another behavior on his part that demonstrates that he is  not worthy of trust: you can’t trust him to .. not poison himself with pills and alcohol.

    I understand that you feel “deeply in love” but this deeply-in-love feeling doesn’t have to rule you. Loving a person who betrays your trust again and again will bring you more and more misery. Back to my first point on this post: you trust his mother. This  means you are able to trust people. Even if it will be difficult for you in the future to trust a man (one you didn’t meet yet), it will be possible for you to trust him if he is honest. But this man your thread is about, he is not honest overall. From time to time he will tell you the truth as all  dishonest people do (no one lies all of the time), but you’ll never know the next lie.

    anita

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