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August 29, 2016 at 10:44 am #113621
PearlParticipantDear fellow empaths,
I am oh so grateful to find this forum. Usually I’m not the one to write a post – I’m the silent reader, trying to guide myself with the help of the experience of others.
However today I stand in a place which could possibly be found helpful to someone else in the nearest future. Me and my boyfriend of three years are at a crossroad. We’ve been living and working together throughout almost the whole time. We also have two dogs and a couple of very sensitive houseplants… 🙂
We’ve been through ups and downs since the day we met. But to keep it brief: Both in our late 20s’, a lot of passion and then a lot of fighting in, loaaads of drama; but not anymore. Sex is great, he loves me dearly, and would never cheat on me. Three years forward we are in a rut. He’s at his computer and/or high all the time (we’re both freelancers, so there’s periods of time, where we do not have planned jobs, and he chooses to spend his time stoned instead of basically anything else) rare romantic moments, though days are filles with teasing and attention-seeking…
We don’t fight so much anymore. I, being a troubled mind, started to occupy myself with various activities to get my mind of being JUST.SO.MAD.AT.HIM. For not trying: not just for the relationship, for his own sake.
Now a couple of weeks ago I got offered a placement. Just me, alone. For half a year. Abroad. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to afford flying home and visiting him in the meantime just yet, and he won’t be able to do it either: we have a business running in our home country and he will have to handle everything by himself.
But he won’t let me do it. He’s saying he would only let me go for up to two months (which IS a possibility, but it means way less money and less experience), meaning -drama alert- otherwise.
He would only be ok with me leaving, if I pass on the possibility that would be really, really good for me.
….
I tried reasoning with him. But he won’t budge. Last week we got into a fight, and made up right after. But now, when my departure is getting closer, I came to realize that a person, who loves me and wants what is best for me, would trust and support any decision of mine. Especially when in the long run: it would be good for both of us (I might get a job, which would lead me to supporting us both).
I haven’t talked to him yet, and that’s why I’m here.
I made up my mind about this placement. This also means huge drama. At this point I’m thinking of the gentlest way to break it to him:
that I’m leaving. And I’m not sure if I’m coming back…
August 29, 2016 at 11:10 am #113625
AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
You wrote: “”I’m not sure if I’m coming back”- do you mean, if you are coming back in two months? Six months? Or at all? If it is the latter the conversations will have to do with a timetable and the process of you packing and moving out your belongings as well as the future of the pets and … highly sensitive plants.
Waiting for your answer.
anita
August 29, 2016 at 11:29 am #113627PearlParticipantDear anita,
I’m confused. So apologize for the inconclusiveness.
At this point, I want to tell him, that my future, since we’re not yet married, is my own decision.
I want to leave for the whole program, 6 months, with a possibility to stay (I would come back for a month after half a year, and would be able to stay, or take him there with me after ~3 more months.)
But he doesn’t want to go.
August 29, 2016 at 11:40 am #113629AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
Clarity is important for you to have before you talk with him. This is my understanding of your position:
You are absolutely decided and certain about leaving for six months during which- unless he changes his mind and follows you- you will not see him.
Following the six months, you don’t know if he will want you back in the home you share or in his life.
Following the six months, you are at this point, interested in moving back with him, at least for a month and a half and possibly forever-more.
Following the six months, you are, at this point, open to the possibility that he will change his mind and follow you back to the other country.
Did I get it correctly? If not, correct me.
anita
August 29, 2016 at 2:26 pm #113659PearlParticipantDear anita,
You got my situation quite right.
There’s something inside me saying I shouldn’t cut the program just because of a needy lover. However amazing he could be.
August 29, 2016 at 3:15 pm #113666AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
Your last two lines lead me to think you are not sure about leaving for the six months?
(It reads to me like a very good idea to leave for the six months and if the career move works out, to continue from there. I support you in this decision, based on what you shared).
This is my point: if you present to him your decision to leave for six months as less than something you are absolutely sure that you are going to do, no matter his input, then seems to me that he will try to talk you out of leaving just as he did before. The only way for you to pass through this first hurdle (if you are sure) is to present your decision as final and non negotiable. If and as he argues, repeat yourself with as much confidence as before.
If you are persistent and not open to negotiations, pleading, manipulations, threats, whatever he may present to you, then there are a few possibilities:
* He is not done fighting, only done talking for now. He may leave you alone, get high on the drug he likes and be absent that way. The idea is to cause you anxiety so that you will back down. Give him as much time as you want but stick to your guns, don’t back off.
* He continues to argue, fight and leave, come back, beg, argue, leave, etc. – time for you to pack and leave as soon as possible, leave to another place and from there leave to the other country to pursue your plan.
* He stops arguing and is calm, tell him you want to come back after six months for the month and a half and from there you want to live with him forever more either where you are both living now or in the other country. Then ask him what he prefers at this point and if he is willing to re-evaluate during the six months.
anita
August 30, 2016 at 12:20 am #113704PearlParticipantDear anita,
you’re so spot on, I can’t believe it. Sometimes the situations feel so unique, but really they’re just patterns of usual behaviors…
I’m afraid he’s going to get very upset – now every time we see friends, he’s using them to manipulate my choice.
“6 months”,- they say with a very judgmental face,-“is a very long time”.
Everyone sees hidden meanings.
August 30, 2016 at 7:55 am #113715AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
So you know how to go about your decision but you are struggling with the decision itself, being faced with his opposition and the friends’ opposition. Correct?
I went back to your original post. The relationship with him was up and own from the very beginning, lots of drama, lots of enjoyment along the way and recently: ” Three years forward we are in a rut. He’s at his computer and/or high all the time” and you are “JUST.SO.MAD.AT.HIM. For not trying: not just for the relationship, for his own sake.”
If you leave for six months he can continue to do what he has been doing- his life will not be disrupted: he can continue to sit at the computer and get stoned a whole lot of the time. These activities don’t require you. (You can tell that to the friends that disapprove of you leaving).
Maybe he will choose, during those six months, to do something else. Maybe your physical absence will motivate him to be more productive.
And about Love: when he stopped trying for the relationship, he put his love for you into deep (stoned) sleep. Again, you don’t need to be there with him when his love for you is asleep/ stoned. You need love that is awake!
Do post again…?
anita
August 30, 2016 at 9:01 am #113723AnonymousInactiveGo.
Go and never come back. Cut loose this dead-weight and fly like the eagle!
*ahem*
Seriously, 6 months is NOT a long time. He is being a baby about this, and super manipulative. And he’s doing this to keep you from pursuing an important professional opportunity. Do you know how messed up that is? He won’t “let” you go? WTF? Who made him lord and master of your life?
Given your long-standing anger at him for not trying, his substance use and the fact that *you* got offered a placement, it seems to me like your life can only get better without him.
It’s going to be painful tearing yourself loose. But you deserve better than someone whose idea of “love” is to keep you like a personal bonsai project.
Good luck.
August 31, 2016 at 6:43 am #113821PearlParticipantMy dearests,
thank you for your input. From the way you guys react, I see that I should make a case for the man that I’m with. There’s plenty to say, but here’s a little:
– He’s two years older than me, with a crazy family history (a lot of abandonment, one of the parents ending up in a psychic institution, while he was still a teen, and left to take care of himself with a family debt. He is hence very insecure and, well, has other issues.
But we all do. We all have issues. But behind those issues he is a very sweet man.– He’s the kind, that can actually stop a baby crying from just taking him into his hands.
He’s loving, loyal and charming. Just not very fortunate.– Ever since he got into my life, I’ve never seen a ++ on our little ‘family budget’. I’m not the wisest when it comes to money,
It’s really rather tiring. We’re at a point where my personal funds would be invested in our not-yet-profitable business, but that will be postponed if I leave.EVER since the talk about my leaving got real, he started taking me out more, god damn, he even cleaned the dishes and started talking about some future plans.
as in:
~what would’ve happened, if I stayed~
or:
~what’ll happen if I only leave for a month or two~No reasoning on the full period yet. I’m trying to avoid a conflict, and postponing THE TALK. Which might end in me packing my bags for good, if he continues to hold his grounds.
WHYYY ARE PEOPLE SO UNREASONABLE !!!!
August 31, 2016 at 7:08 am #113822AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
From what you last wrote he is currently okay with you leaving for a month or two. And he is also okay if you didn’t leave at all.
Following the point I made in my last post to you, what you last wrote is that his love for you is “waking up” most recently? He is interacting with you more instead of being fully absorbed in the computer or being stoned?
Well, this is up to you, if this awakening is enough to keep you from leaving at all, or if you leave- you may choose to return after a month or two.
I understand your boyfriend had a rough childhood and is quite charming and lovable. I have no doubt there is a whole lot to love about him and he is a worthy individual. From your sharing, you are more than willing to have a good lifetime with him if he loves you back. “If” he loves you back, I wrote. IF- meaning, he has to be awake to you enough of the time, every day, pay attention to you, communicate, work of mutual goals, make it a Win-Win relationship, win for him AND win for you, as you do the same.
Hope you post again.
anita
September 1, 2016 at 2:08 am #113883AnonymousInactiveDon’t put up with a man that willing to clip your wings. That’s all I got. Six months is not a long time.
Keep him if you can talk him ’round, but if he keeps insisting you do what he wants because (why?), then you got to go. It sucks. I’m sorry. Why are people so unreasonable?
September 1, 2016 at 9:38 pm #113980PearlParticipantHello dearests,
Feeling rather mellow today/ listening to Mazzy Star – Common Burn, if you’re interested in my melodic mellowness.
It’s a hard decision to make. Life is hard. People are unreasonable.
We are right now on our way for a road-trip before I leave – to the seaside. For the first time this summer. And I’m also constructing him a letter on how life is not just about love between two people. And lots more.~~
Thank you for your support. Without you guys I’d still be guilting myself into only thinking about saving the relationship. Now I’m starting to realize again that I’m actually a separate human being with my own wants and needs. Hopefully I’ll be able to use my leaving to find myself once again, and we’ll see how it goes from there.
Sending you lots of love.
September 2, 2016 at 1:53 am #113983AnonymousInactiveLove to you, too, friend. Don’t worry, being a separate human being is pretty cool in a lot of ways.
May you be well.
September 2, 2016 at 10:54 am #114029AnonymousGuestDear alabamamama:
I like your attitude and resolution as expressed in your last post. Hope you enjoy your seaside visit. Post again, anytime.
anita
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