Hi everyone,

I have been a long time reader of this blog but first time visitor to the forums. It seems like such a supportive community and i am really in some need of advice.

2.5 years ago I met a great man. We got on really well, ended up hooking up, and even though we lived in different conitnents at the time, ended up keeping in touch over email. I started to like him more and more, and we eventually met up again for 2 weeks together. We got on amazingly, had a really fun and sexy time, and since I was looking for a new place to call home anyways, I decided to move to his city and see how things went.

Things started rocky. I had just come back from an extended period of travel so was broke, jobless, and friendless in a new city. I crashed at his place while I was job hunting which maybe wasn’t the best idea but didn’t know what else to do and we both wanted it at the time. I was really depressed because I was having trouble finding a job and it was a shock to come back from traveling. Anyways things were still going well and I eventually started finding work even though I was making very little money in a very expensive city. I ended up finding my own place but it was a very bad place to live (sharing a room with another girl, old place falling apart, etc.) At this point the relationship was still going well and he was doing his best to be supportive but it’s hard to start off a relationship with someone at this rocky point in their life. Anyways things kept getting better for me, got better work, moved into a better apartment, but I still blamed the city because I felt that my quality of life could be much better living somewhere cheaper. Even though it had been a few months and htings were going pretty well for me I was still feeling depressed.

Now about 5-6 months into the relationship winter came around and I stopped shaving my legs. At first the ex was confused about this and then brought it up saying he found it unnattractive. I was just confused about this as well because I never shaved my legs in the winter. We talked about it a lot and it seemed like the real problem was he didn’t feel like I was taking care of myself. I got really defensive at first (as I often do, one of the reasons I feel like it’s more my faults than his) but eventuaally realised he was right. But I still held strong about the leg hair as I kind of liked it and liked not having to shave.

Anyways things went on and he was an amazing boyfriend. Cooking me breakfast, taking me on fun dates, hanging out and talking over bottles of wine. We just generally get on really well, have a lot of shared interest and common goals in life. He also has a lot of ‘checklist’ things that are great. Like stable job, strong yet sensitive, smart, kind, dependable, honest, etc.

But the leg hair issue continued to divide us. Him saying he couldn’t help it but hes really unnatracted to it and disgusted by it. Me not wanting to have to feel like my natural body was disgusting but also knowing it was the social norm and not knowing what to do. He was also really self conscious about going out in public if I didn’t shave my legs.

But in between these conversations we were still having great relationships.

Sorry to jump around I’m a bit of a mess but now to go with my emotional hold ups in the relationship. When we met I was 23 and started dating seriously at 24. He was 33. I was still young and afraid of commitment and unsure of what I wanted. But he was sure about me and I loved him so I wanted to stay. But I was always so unsure. I loved him unconditionally but I didn’t know if I should be with him forever. Every time we had a fight about the dishes or the leg hair or whatever I always brought up breaking up. Not as a threat but in a maybe we just aren’t compatible kind of way.

Slowly my boyfriend starting pulling back a bit emotionally. He was still an amazing boyfriend but he also became unsure. Finally last month I went away for a month. He was supposed to come for one week but we decided to meet somehere else after for one week. While I was there he told me that he was really sorry and he did really want things to work between us but as hard as he tried he just couldn’t get over the leg hair. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to have to live the rest of my life being afraid to show my boyfriend/husband my legs if I hadn’t shaved and felt h was being petty. But also he couldn’t so much control it.

Anyways I wrote him an email basically saying that this place we had been in for the last 3-4 months where we were both so unsure about the relationship was too painful to stay in, and that I want to come to a compromise about the hair but I don’t know what that is, and that if we are not excited to keep moving on together then I don’t think it can work. I dind’t want to keep going on ‘trying’ to make it work or ‘seeing’ if it can work. I know a relationship is always a work in progress but it should be working.

When we met we had a really long conversation about everything. I told him about my history with body hair and why this was such a sticky issue for me. About wanted to feel comfortable and loved unconditionally and able to change, but it was still important for me for him to feel like his needs were being met and I didn’t know if they were because he kept bringing this things up, and it seemed like he wasn’t happy. He said he didn’t know if shaving would fix the problem and that he has only really been happy 50% of the time. He said he didn’t know what to do because he thinks I’m perfect but he is just never happy, that is why he is always changing jobs and cities, etc. He said that his life was so much better with me in it but he didn’t feel like we were soulmates. We were both devasted and didn’t know what to do. But since we were both so unsure and he said he was only happy 50% of the time we decided to end it.

Now I feel terrible. I feel like we had an amazing relationship and are both amazing and compatible people but because I had so many emotional issues with depression and fear of commitment at the beginning of the relationship that it ruined everything. It now seems like such a stupid issue and I just should have shaved my legs more often for this amazing man.

I know I have rose coloured glasses on and that not everything was perfect. He had his own baggage that made him really self conscious about what other people thought about my leg hair, and he was also a perfectionist. But we all have baggage and flaws. He loved me and was committed to a future with me and I feel like I pushed him away and now I’ve lost this amazing person who is my best friend.

So what to I do? Do I try to work things out with him? Tell him how sorry I am and that I want to shave my legs and keep trying? Or do I realise that maybe we really are just not a great match together or the timing is off and we should just move on with our lives.

I am 26 now and feel like I am finally ready to be in a commited long term relationship, and now this great relationship with this amazing guy has ended, and I feel like it’s because I pushed him away and always brought up breaking up instead of working harder to come up with compromises.

I just don’t know what to do. Feeling so lost without him. Nothing seems fun or exciting anymore about my day to day life or my future.

Any advice is appreciated

note: breakup just happened a few days ago

other note: My ex from uni who I dated for 4 years I also broke up with because of timing issues/fear of committment and I wanted to go off and travel and do other things with my life. I know that this is ok and that sometimes timing doesn’t work especially when we are younger but I just feel like this is becoming an unhealthy pattern in my life.