Breakup from hell…

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    Hi guys. I am having such a rough time right now… my boyfriend of five years (some of them fairly rocky) just broke up with me only a few days after our fifth anniversary… over facebook chat.
    He had tried to kill himself this summer and I like dropped everything to help him. I spent all day with him in the hospital when he was there, and then after he came home and was unemployed and depressed, I was the one who kept pushing him to make calls to see a counselor, bought him groceries, bought him new shorts and stuff so he could go running, kept him company and tried to cheer him, brought him around the city with me and bought him stuff so he didn’t have to just stay at home…
    When he was at the hospital he was like so thankful for my being there, he was telling everyone who would listen that he was going to marry me. And this fall, he was telling our friends that he was saving for a ring and wanted to propose…
    And then after this amazing anniversary weekend where he bought me all these beautiful and expensive presents (he finally got a job again a month ago)… he breaks up with me. I’m like heartbroken… He wrote on one of his social media profiles that he had met some girl online who lives across the country and was like sexting her just two days after our anniversary… and he posted all these really personal and hurtful things about me. He only thought about breaking up with me for one night and didn’t talk to anyone about it before he did it…
    He wrote online that he broke up with me because having sex hurts me – I have a medical condition that I find very frustrating but I have been trying to deal with it and we do have sex! Just not enough, I guess… He was always complaining and telling me we weren’t having enough and I would always tell him to please communicate with me so we could do things better, because it was JUST as frustrating for me (pain during sex = not as much desire to do it, in general), but he never seemed to really do that…
    I just feel so shell-shocked and awful. It’s been a little bit tough this fall, but he was still dealing with major depression and I just started grad school, so I’ve been really trying to put my all into that. I just feel so hurt… I did so much for him… I thought he would still appreciate that at least…
    I don’t know if this is just his mental health acting up? I don’t know if he means this? I don’t know if he has actually stopped loving me or if he’s just like dealing with something or what… My mother keeps telling me to forget about him but I just can’t… I love him so much.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Dee.

    Hello Dee,
    Unfortunately, from everything you’ve said, it seems as though you were the only one putting in much effort to your relationship. A relationship shouldn’t be that way. Also, you mentioned that most of those 5 years with him were rocky. I get it, relationships are not perfect, it is not always easy to get along or see eye to eye. I won’t tell you to forget about it because I know how hard that can be. You need time to grieve and process what has happened. I’d feel stupefied if my ex broke up with me over Facebook chat and then told others private information about me. While yes, it could be his mental health acting up, we can’t place all the blame there. Despite however he felt, he didn’t for one second take into consideration that you put a lot of effort into trying to deal with your medical condition. You tried to talk to him about it and you tried to get him to open up to you, but he did not, strike one. He wasn’t putting in enough effort, and you were which shows how much your relationship meant to you, and how little it meant to him. It was really nice of you to do all those things for him, unfortunately he wasn’t able to return the favor. Him posting about your condition and all about it in Facebook, strike two. I’d be so angry at him that I would never want to talk to him. There is no reason why he needed to make that public. Him breaking up with you just shows where his priorities are, sex. He may indeed love you very much, but sex meant more to him, so from my point of view, there is no reason for you to let him back into your life. Abandoning someone because their medical condition makes it hard to have sex seems like a very shallow reason to leave. He seems immature and is not worth your time. All I can say is distance yourself. Love yourself enough to do what is best. Grieve, cry, scream, get angry, do anything that helps you relieve whatever you might be feeling. Today will be hard, and I can’t say that tomorrow will be any better, but take it one step at a time, and you’ll get through this. It’ll hurt for a while, but be strong and hang in there, know that better things are on the way. Focus on grad school and keep yourself as busy as you can. It will help you keep your mind occupied. Stay strong. Today, the sun may not be out for you, but when it does come back, you’ll see everything life has to offer, and that there is so much more beyond your ex.


    Dear Dee:

    I went back and read your posts of August 2013, when your relationship with this guy was two and a half years old, about mid point to here. Already then there was a pattern to the relationship: he wanting to break up and you chasing him, trying to be good enough for him, talking him out of breaking up with you. You got advice about working on being stronger yourself, independently of him, so you don’t need him so much, but you took it, partially it seems to me, to mean that indeed, like you’ve been thinking all along, you are not good enough for him, not independent enough, and that you should be independent so… to be good enough for him. And the chasing, I think, continued.

    This is what you wrote then: “I don’t think he’s very sure about what he wants, because during our last conversation when this happened, he was changing his mind every ten minutes. Every other time he has mentioned breaking up, I talked him out of it and he always was happy that I had. I have a hard time believing that it’s permanent this time but the fear that it is and that this will end is killing me. I love him so much and I know that we have a lot that connects us.”

    Notice this: in this thread, two and a half years later, you wrote about him trying to kill himself and you helping him recover from his suicide attempt. Two and a half years ago you wrote that this will end up KILLING you (last line of the quote above).

    Your ATTACHMENT to this guy is very strong. No doubt. Your emotional need for his love is very intense and has been so for a long time. Your need to win him over, very persistent. And not healthy.

    It is time to let him go. Let him go. Release your hold of him. Your attachment to him is fueled by unfinished business in your childhood attachment to a parent or parents, someone important to you during your formative years. There was someone whose love was very important to you, love you didn’t receive. That need of yours has been wired into this guy and you continue your efforts to win over someone who doesn’t love you. Not the way you need to be loved: someone to finally place the stamp on you that reads LOVABLE, worthy to be loved, liked, accepted, okayed.

    What do you think???



    Dee, it sounds like you a hood woman! you we’re there for him through the tough times! He hot back on hes feet and and dump you. whether it was hes mental illness or not? He surely doesn’t deserve you! pick yourself up off the ground and forget about him! He will be sorry someday what he did to you and wish he had yo back! Good Luck! jim


    Sorry about this traumatic breakup. It’s sad, you know, so many years, but you deserve better. He treated you badly, and you are not to blame. My good friend had a recent sudden traumatic breakup (right after a trip to Hawaii!), was made to feel the blame, etc., and was in total shock and disbelief as well – truly a tough time. Like you, she devoted a lot of herself to help this guy get on his feet, and then he got too confident and left abruptly.

    What helps her a lot is exercise and keeping her body moving, which signifies the self moving forward. Tai chi, yoga, breathing exercises, walking, and working out.

    This doesn’t mean you will ignore the sadness, but perhaps help you see things in the right perspective, and you will realize there is nothing wrong with you, it wasn’t your fault, and you don’t need him to be happy.

    I told my friend to make sure she hung around stable people, and take a break and listen to super happy music. The sadness and yearning will come and go like waves of grieving, but tell yourself these feelings are only temporary, and you really will be just fine. By the way, good luck in grad school. That will be a great accomplishment for you.

    As for the Facebook thing, do not be tempted to keep track of what he is posting. Perhaps the best thing would be do to “unfriend” him, and stop taking a peek at his stuff, you know, because that will lead to more blame. He has the nerve to let you see his personal stuff on Facebook anyway! He may find that this girl is just a “fling”, but too bad if that happens. Finding your own path to enlightenment does not have to include him!
    Be good to yourself!

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