May 14, 2018 at 8:17 am #207223
I was in an on and off relationship for two years. I lived with him and fell in love with him. I still love him a lot. When we first got together a month after I fell pregnant. He didn’t want the child and I respected his wants. I didn’t think it was wise to bring a child into the world with someone I had been with for only a month and I wanted to give the relationship a chance. As months went on I started to get really depressed about this decision. I felt worthless and felt as if I didn’t have the right to have a happy life after what I had done. I work with children and there I was looking after other people’s children and I didn’t even see through having my own. He broke up with me because of how I was feeling and that I should have had more compassion toward myself. I realised that my behaviour and negative feelings and grief didn’t give the relationship the chance it deserved and I asked him if he would reconsider and I would work on healing myself. We got back together and we spent the next 5 or so months really happy. We went on holidays I met his family and then we moved in together. Not so long after he started to become distant and he said he gets like this and feels suffocated as this happened with his last girlfriend. I noticed him being distant more often than not and did my best to not let t impact me even though it was uncomfortable. I asked him how I could make it better for him I did everything I thought was possible to help. He bought me a special gift for Christmas and a week before that he said he couldn’t commit to me. I took it as in marriage and said I wasn’t up for that. He let it go and never went further with it, I now understand that he was trying to break up with me. Christmas and new year past and he became more distant. I knew something was really up when he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and I knew where he was and found him and he said sorry but I can’t be with you. This was a month after he had asked me to move in. I lost it. I got really angry and upset and he said he totally understood. His reason was that I wasn’t the right person for him. I stayed at the house for a few weeks and then stayed at my parents place. He asked me to meet him and he said that he would like to work things out if he can figure out his issues with commitment. He said that he was questioning his sexuality. He opened up and said that he might have feelings for another girl. I doing out that he was meeting up with her just before Christmas and had spilt his feelings out to her that day he said he couldn’t commit to me. He wanted me to wait for him to see if there was a connection or a spark left with her and I said yes at one point. Then i changed my mind and said I don’t deserve this. He then said it was over for good and there was no way of us getting back together. I begged and pleaded in this time. Which was silly of me though I was weak. I started moving all of my stuff out and when I was doing this he said he was questioning his decision on breaking up with me. We got back together and I stayed in the house. Months went past and it was the honeymoon period again. After a few months he said he wasn’t sure he could commit to me again. He said that the way I react to anything negative or any of his critisims needs to be addressed. He had called me boring, he said it is hard to keep him interested in a relationship amongst other things like yelling at me to fuck off and accused me of being rude when I wasn’t meaning to be and couldn’t understand how I was . I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with complex post traumatic disorder due to the psychical, emotional and psychological abuse I endured as a child. I explained all of this to him and he said he would be there through healing. We went on a holiday and the night before we left I said that he was lucky he was on holidays and wished I didn’t have to work in the morning so we could be on holidays together now. He got so angry saying That he isn’t lucky he is on holidays he works hard and deserved them. I said of course you deserve them that’s not what I meant. The tension was rising, on the way up I felt so uncomfortable. We had some good times on the holiday. On the last night I couldn’t cook properly in the dark whilst camping, he took me away from the group of friends and said there is some light here and started to get angry saying I have been driving all day and I get you to do one thing and you screw t up next time a heads up read the instructions, I said sorry and started to cry because of how upset he was at me. I left to go in the tent to stop anymore yelling and screaming he came into the tent and said don’t you use your brain that maybe I needed helped but you left me with everything fuck off and give me some space you never give me space I don’t care where you go. When he came back to the tent I shuffled around being sunburnt and he yelled at me to stay still. The next morning it was as if nothing had happened. I asked for him to drop me at the airport and he said no. We stayed at his mums that night and he went out for the day. That night when we were going to bed I asked if we could drop what has happened and enjoy our last day driving back together. He said I don’t want to be with you anyway. I asked him to sleep in another room and he said he was sorry. The next day I asked to be dropped at the airport and he said just stay in the car with me. I didn’t argue or disagree and said thanks for letting me get a ride back. He said you know I didn’t mean to break up with you and I’m sorry. We went to a family function of mine and at the end of the night he disappeared and I couldn’t find him. I ended up finding him in the car and he seemed really annoyed. I asked what was wrong and he angrly sakd drop it. I didn’t I said I’m sorry if we stayed too long and I said that it seems as though everything we do something that is something to do with me you get upset and I feel like I have to compensate you. I offered him money for his time, which was silly, I had a bit to drink. I hated how he spoke to me and asked if he could drop me off a few streets away so I could take some time to myself and he said no. We got inside and I said I was sleeping in the other room he yelled in an angry voice to just sleep in the bed I said not to speak to me like that. The next morning he went out and kissed me goodbye. I was really upset how he was so angry at me the night before. That night I asked if he was okay with me sleeping in the other room he said whatever and I said I want to sleep next to you but last night the way you spoke to me hurt my feelings he said that I was playing the victim I said I wasn’t I am telling him how I feel he said I have a warped sense of perception and that I insulted him by offer ring him money o said I was sorry and I had a few drinks and shouldn’t have done that he said it was no excuse and he said I do it for my own benefit. I said I don’t but I am sorry. He kept yelling and screaming in the doorway and picked up a dvd which seemed like he was going to throw I called out for him to please leave me alone and he said you know what you leave me alone forever and o sakd why over this? He said because of who you are and got in his car and drove off. I broke down and this hurt me so Much. I started to feel suicidal and I called a friend who helped me, I left the house for an hour and he was looking for me. He knew I was having suicidal thoughts and I said he was right who I am is a bad person and I feel like I don’t deserve to live he said he didn’t mean to break up with me and I said if you did it’s okay I accept it it’s the words he said that hurt. He said no one would put up with me. I stayed in bed for four days and during that time he sakd he meant to break up with me at the time but didn’t mean it later and I sakd if he meant it at the time what is to say that he wouldn’t do it again. I behaved quite erratically and down on myself for four days. Being really hard on myself and saying horrible things about myself in a state of being so sad. I finally got myself up and said sorry for being so withdrawn and the way I have been behaving he sakd well now you have had your time now I need my time I’m generous with giving people things like fish when I go fishing but not with my time, my time is on my terms. Don’t worry I’ll come around he said. It took so much strength to get up and that just knocked me down. I went to sleep and woke up the next day and he said good morning as if nothing had happened. I said it isn’t a good morning I just want this emotional pain to end and I want end my life I can’t see any other way out. He said it’s over it’s become to unhealthy I fell to the ground and sobbed. I begged and pleaded and he said no there is nothing you or anyone can say that will make him see anything different. I eventually moved out and during the transition time we spoke a few times. He said to me that if it seems as though he is moving on its because he knows this is the right thing to do, and that he has realised since being with me that someone can love him for who he is. I said I feel the opposite and he said this is why it is the right thing to do. I said all I wanted was some understanding and empathy from him and he said that I got it and I rejected t and that he is a good guy and anyone who knows him will say so and that he is one of the most empathic people he knows and he doesn’t have a well of everlasting empathy. And that he should have stuck with his resolve ages ago but instead he had to much empathy and look at the position it put him in. This broke me. I ended up moving out and during this time there were a few times we got along. We had dinner together and he bought me a bag full of expensive crystals. He asked to talk after I moved out and sakd if he can work his issues out with commitment and his sexuality would I be willing to work things out and that he was a lot more to blame for the relationship going sour than he could see at the time. I said yes to this. In this time I spent time with him to help support him. We got too close a few times and spent time together having fun going for drives and having fun and I found out I was pregnant. At first he was really certain and we were making plans. Then one day he said that he has concerns and that he isn’t certain that he can commit to a relationship because he hasn’t figured out his issues yet but let’s do this and hope for the best. I was a mess. It went from us buying a house together and bringing a baby into the world and being certain about it to him not even knowing if he could be in a relationship with me and still having a child. I had to get off my antidepressant medication around this time and had pregnancy hormones running through me. I was sleeping on a blow up mattress in my parents living room and having to deal with all of this. I was devestated. I said it was best to not have the child under these circumstances. He said if we don’t have the child we are over. I was so confused, he said he wasn’t sure he could commit to a relationship with me but saying we were over if I didn’t go ahead with it. He said he needed time to decide. At this point I need help getting off the medication I was experiencing brain zaps and so depressed I felt as though I didn’t know what to do or where to go or what was going to happen or if I even needed to get off this medication waiting for him to decide. I was having suicidal thoughts again and felt I had no solution. I was so angry and upset with him at this time. I said and did some horrible things like calling him a monster and that he has ruined my life around the time of the pregnancy and withdrawing from antidepressants. He said he didn’t want the child wihh me and that he still needs time to decide and that he couldn’t live near my parents because they will be in his fucking face all of the time, He sakd yet was best we don’t have the child because of the possible birth defects the child could have from the medication. He sakd that he could still see a future with us. I went through with the termination and a few days later he said that our relationship is irreparable and that he doesn’t have commitment issues he can’t commit to me because I am an emotional abuser and manipulator and that I made him fall in love with me and then I threaten to kill myself. I explained that was how I was feeling in this tough situation and withdrawing from medication even though that is the side effect of coming off the medication and he said it was no excuse and the way I am is no different to a man who hits his wife and said sorry you made me do it. He said in a few months he would like to be friends and kept saying to go and see the dog and that he doesn’t care he just wants this conversation to end already and that even though I am a manipulator and emotional abuser that he has still given me time. I said all I want to do is make this right and he said no and left saying it won’t be the last time you see me and sorry you didn’t get what you wanted. Tonight he is on a dating website, 7 weeks after our break up and no contact. On there it says he wants a relationship and that’s what he is looking for and that he wants children. This is so heartbreaking to me. Mother’s Day has just past and it was an excruciating day for me to get through after the last pregnancy as I thought it was going to be certain. He even said a part of him went along with being certain because he didn’t want to hurt me. He said I am still a beautiful person to him and that he was sorry he couldn’t be around. My head and emotions are in a whirlwind and he is able to move on looking or a relationship with someone and wants to have children and yet that could have been with me only 7 weeks ago. He said that I was better to him than he was to me. I don’t know what to think or say or do. How do I get over this? When the person I love is moving on. How do I make sense of any of this? Thank you for reading.May 14, 2018 at 10:05 am #207249
I read through your long post. This is my understanding: he is unwell, has been unwell before he met you and still is. His significant mental health issues were not caused by you in any way and unfortunately, cannot be resolved by him moving on, being on a dating site and meeting new women.
He needs serious psychotherapy for a long, long time so to start him on a healing path.
If you were perfect in the relationship with him, if you didn’t have any mental health issues of your own, a healthy relationship with him would not have been possible because of his troubles.
It is unwise for a woman to have a child with a man who is as unhealthy as he is. His anger is intense and carried on from his childhood. This anger cannot be contained for long. His anger hurt you, made your mental health worse. It would have done worse to a child looking up to him with complete trust and vulnerability.
If I was you, I would be relieved to have this relationship in my past. I would be relieved that I didn’t bring a child into the world to suffer.
As painful as this has been, you now have a chance to get better, to heal, to have a healthy relationship in the future. I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaMay 14, 2018 at 4:18 pm #207379
thank you for reading my post and most of all a big thank you for your response to my situation. I really appreciate it. I know that you are right and my logical brain gets it but my emotions don’t align with the logic like my heart and my head are having a battle if that makes sense. The reason is because on the other side of it all he is a caring and great person and the things he has said about me that have hurt me I’m questioning whether it’s the case. I used to be so strong and have the outlook that I know myself better than anyone and never let anyone influence me to doubt who I am. Though since being with him I have doubted myself quite a lot and took on his perspective of me. He was sexually abused as a child and I always tried my best to make sure I consider that and support him whenever he needed to. I have a strong sense of nuturance toward him and thought that they way I was treated had to do with what happened to him as a child. I tried my best to be accomodating to his ever changing thoughts but by the end when I fell pregnant I just couldn’t anymore. I keep thinking that if i could have been stronger emotionally that this would have worked. How do I get past this? The things he has said about me and to me are hard to get past. I’ve been blaming myself and questioning my behaviour and who I am. How can someone care and then not show understanding and a lack of compassion? I honestly feel so worthless.May 15, 2018 at 3:27 am #207417
You are very welcome.
You wrote that there is a battle between your logic and your emotions. This is a very, very common battle in people, of all the battles and wars, this is the beginning of all battles and the most common.
Let’s look at what happened:
1. This man was a child before. As a child he was innocent, loving, vulnerable. And he was hurt badly. This hurt child in him is still there in the man that he is. You saw that child, in his eyes, heard it at times in his voice and felt great compassion for that child, correct?
Thing is, the child exists in him and sometimes he is right there, on the surface, loving and lovable. And it is also true that this child is blocked much of the time, and the man that he is, is abusive and damaging to others, specifically he has been abusive to you and has damaged you.
Try to hold these two images which co-exist in the same person: the child and the man, the innocent and vulnerable blocked in an abusive and sometimes cruel man.
2. The things he told you about yourself. There is a saying that even a broken clock is correct twice every 24 hours. And so, some of the things he told you about you were true simply because a certain percentage of what anyone says is true.
In addition to it, he had correct insight about you some of the time, for example, it is true that you talking to him about committing suicide was harmful to the relationship. True. And it is also true, at the same time, that he was responsible for damaging you and the relationship extensively.
Try to hold these two things together: you were not healthy in the relationship and he did a lot of damaging to you and to the relationship.
What do you think and feel at this point?