Dear Dan:

I re-read your posts and these are my thoughts this morning: I think that the problem is that you suffer from a disassociation from yourself that makes you.. a stranger to yourself. Here are your words indicating that when you are talking about yourself, it is as if you are talking to a stranger:

* In the following you are two people, one asking a question, and  the other answering it, the person answering the question is disconnected from the person asking the question:

“In an attempt to figure out my feelings, I asked myself ‘Why do I love him?’ which I responded, ‘I don’t'”.

“I also remember asking myself ‘why do I love my boyfriend’ and I responded that I didn’t.”

* In the following, there is a “voice inside”, or “an inner voice” that talks to you .. sort of out of nowhere, surprising you, interrupting you, two strangers: you and a voice:

“every time I think about it, a voice inside says I do love him”.

“every time I’m damn near ready to break up that inner voice interrupts me”.

“If I really didn’t like him though, wouldn’t I not have that inner voice telling me that I love him?”

“Maybe I should just ignore that inner voice”.

*  You are puzzled by why you do things, puzzled as if you are looking at a stranger, wondering why that other person is saying and doing this or that, what is her intent, is she lying, is she joking, etc.:

“I say that I don’t love him but I also say that I do”

“Or have I been lying to myself?”

“If I didn’t like him, I wouldn’t have been happy with him moving in right?”

“maybe I really am kidding myself”

“I’m trying to figure out why I stayed for as long as I did. I thought maybe I felt lonely or something, but I don’t have the answer really”.

The Mayo Clinic has this on Depersonalization-derealization disorder: “This involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself- observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization).

Wikipedia in the history section of the entry on Depersonalization disorder reads: “Depersonalization was first used as a clinical term by Ludovic douglas in 1898 to refer to ‘a state in which there is the feeling or sensation that thoughts and acts elude the self and become strange; there is an alienation of personality- in other words a depersonalization'”.

anita

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