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Breakup Time?

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  • #352730
    Dan
    Participant

    Hello. I’m a 24 year old female with a 29 year old male. Long story short, first I have relationship anxiety. I worry about my relationship ending. But I realized that there might be some truth to that…

    I also question whether or not I really love him or if the relationship is really something that I want. I’ve been experiencing these worries off and on since the beginning of the relationship and we’ve been together for over a year now. The relationship itself and very great and man I’m with is freakin’ amazing. But in an attempt to figure out my feelings, I asked myself “Why do I love him?” which I responded, “I don’t.”

    Honestly, the idea of not loving him feel relieving to me. No more relationship. But I also feel kind of bummed and I don’t want to end it.

    I decided to see if there was any evidence for me not loving him which I can’t find any. But do I need a reason to not love him?

    I actually feel kind of sad about it… could anxiety also make you not love someone?

    I’m sorry, as I was typing this out, I guess I answered my own question…

    #352882
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    “could anxiety also make you not love someone?.. as I was typing this out, I guess I answered my own question”-

    what is your answer, if you don’t mind me asking?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #354984
    Dan
    Participant

    I figured maybe I don’t love him and we should break up. But every time I think about it, a voice inside says I do love him and wants to work it out… I don’t understand… I say that I don’t love him but I also say that I do… I also still hold his hand and sleep with him and allowed him to move in. But then maybe I don’t really love him at all. I tried asking myself maybe I’m just lonely or something but that doesn’t seem it. Being with him is scary though this is true. And breaking up with him feels relieving. So maybe I should just go with that.

    #354986
    Dan
    Participant

    But I swear, every time I’m damn near ready to break up that inner voice interrupts me…

    #354988
    Dan
    Participant

    Maybe I should just ignore that inner voice.

    #354994
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    “The relationship itself is very great and man I’m with is freakin’ amazing” you wrote in your original post. It makes me think that maybe your relationship anxiety has nothing to do with him or with your relationship with him, and everything to do your relationship with your mother or your father early on in your life, a relationship in which you were terribly hurt and troubled.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #354998
    Dan
    Participant

    I mean I’ve had bad relationships in the past, this is true. And I grew up without a mother so maybe you’re right. But would those things really mess up my perception of my current relationship that bad?

    #355000
    Dan
    Participant

    And my dad wasn’t emotionally available, but like, I thought I was over what my parents have done? I don’t really think about my mom anymore and my dad is better now.

    #355012
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    Growing up without a mother and with a father who wasn’t emotionally available is a very powerful experience in the life of a child. Some call our childhood years “the formative years” because our brains are formed during childhood. Our relationships with our parents are .. formed into our brains, and continue to be powerful in our lives as adults.

    The fact that your relationship with your father is better now doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t a good relationship when it mattered most (during those formative years of childhood). The fact that you don’t think about your mother anymore, doesn’t mean that not having her around as a child is not affecting you now.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #355038
    Dan
    Participant

    I guess your right. But I also remember asking myself “why do I love my boyfriend” and I responded that I didn’t. But then again, the inner voice and all that so…. hm… maybe my anxiety is really clouding my judgement or something… It seems like the more I push him away, the closer I want to be, and the closer I want to be, the more I want to push away. It’s all very confusing… but I guess I can see how past relationships that affect how I think now…

    #355048
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    When we get hurt in an early life close relationship, later on in life, we still want a close relationship with someone, but as we experience it, we get scared, so we run away from the very thing we need and want the most.

    We run away emotionally before we physically run away. If we run away from something/ someone good- after the initial relief- we regret it.

    anita

    #355066
    Dan
    Participant

    I see… yeah, I was talking with my grandmother and I did say that if I break up with him I’ll probably actually regret it later down the line…

    It all makes sense now.

     

    #355094
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    It’s good, that it all makes sense now. Do post again anytime you want to, and I will reply.

    anita

    #355110
    Dan
    Participant

    Talking with him makes me sad now but… I got to get a grip on my anxiety I guess.

    #355114
    anonymous03
    Participant

    Hi Dan,

    I am going through something very very similar. It probably is more difficult for me because my bf is on the other side of the world. So we can’t be with each other physically.

    I lost my father in my teens. I haven’t had a great relationship with my mother – too much friction, fights, not talking and the such – and she too is much better now, but the damage is kinda done. I am unable to be close to her, even though we live together.

    I don’t really have any words of advice for you; I’m just posting this to let you know you aren’t alone.

    Feel free to post anytime…

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