February 13, 2018 at 7:43 pm #192353
I have been in hospital since Xmas. Its a hard journey from another overdose that didnt work, the realisation that I failed yet again, even after plenty of searching to find out the potency and fatal dose of the medications and taking more than was listed.
The ongoing psychiatric dealings with not just that but PTSD, nightmares and flashbacks.
Now all these weeks later the screaming in my nightmares has eased but I am still suicidal, in fact I told a night nurse the other night which led to her removing my dressing gown because of the ties. The dealings have unearthed trauma from my childhood that I had managed to push way back in my mind, being told not to talk about by people who should have helped and the bloody voices and noises back with a vengeance, not leaving me atcall and as I write this I have the sounds of a war movie guns and bombs fighting to be heard over voices of people telling me to get out and run, find a road in front of a truck and more vile things and the undercurrent of loud music. This is my everyday. So if i was 15/10 when admitted I am now 18/10 and being discharged and YES I have told my psychiatrist.
I searched my medications and both major ones have heavy warnings about increasing suicidal ideations and thoughts. I asked him why and apparently they are the best drugs.
Ithere has been no dealing with the voices and noises only to take an anti anxiety tablet. No dealing with childhood trauma only talk to your GP.
And to top it off about 3 weeks ago i started getting swelling of my hands and feet which in that time has gone to my knees, my elbows and shoulders and not just swelling but joint pain. Blood tests ruled out rheumatoid arthritis which my mother had and again talk to your GP. A woman from the hospital pain team came and went in under 3 minutes and said take ibuprofen. The OT came and went in less than 10 mins and said to do gently exercise. This morning a trainee psychiatrist who works with mine spent nearly 20 mins with me. Then my psychiatrist reappeared said I am not goung home today as he will get some imaging done. Thank heavens for small mercies.
My bigger issue is my mental state. I am at a loss how to handle it. I am still in a suicidal thoughts constantly. But I am being discharged to friends who have 3 teenagers and although they say its fine and they welcome me for as long as necessary given my depression, anxiety, panic, vouces and noises and horrid thoughts am I safe! I know its up to me but I have been here so long I do want to leave. My room mate says i need to get a mental health order put on me. She says she has seen me get worse this last week. I have been told to talk about it but to who, I have no one I can confide in and dont know how I get a MHO or get a third party involved on my behalf. I realise it is short notice to get help but I guess there is no harm asking have any of you been like this. I am so lost added to it all my husband died 2 years ago so I have no partner to lean on.
I am beyond exhausted and beyond pain. I see nothing to keep going for, but I thank anybody out there for ‘listening’.February 14, 2018 at 10:32 am #192497
You are welcome. I didn’t understand this sentence: “So if I was 15/10 when admitted I am now 18/10”- would you like to explain it to me?
You mentioned PTSD and trauma in your childhood, but did not elaborate on that. Would you like to?
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 12:09 pm #192519
While in the hospital, have they or your psychiatrist showed you some tools to cope? What did they say when they discharged you? Did they give things to try (besides medications) once you were released out into the world?
What techniques do you use to calm your mind?
MarkFebruary 14, 2018 at 2:54 pm #192541
The 15/10 18/10 is my pain level. The PTSD was a result of being assaulted about a yeat ago it has left me with damage to my spine. As for the childhood trauma I wwas abused fror just over 10 years by a family member and also a friend of my parents. I was told not to talk about. I turned to the impirtant adults in my life for help, my parents teachers and priest, but I did not get help. In fact it was discussed that I go overseas to live with a newly married older sister who naturally said no when asked.
I hope rhat helps with some clarity.February 14, 2018 at 2:58 pm #192545
Other than drugs I have not been given many tools to help at all.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I saw a Buddhist monk in the cafe and we started chatting he gave me an insight to meditation which I am following through.</p>
I am somewhat frustrated by it all. Still not coping and wondering how long it will be until i crash again.
ThanksFebruary 14, 2018 at 3:40 pm #192553
Good for you for reaching out to the monk.
Good luck with your meditation. It is easier if you find a meditation group (Meetup, temple, church, etc.) to practice with.
Ask your psychiatrist for tools or have him/her point you to others who can help.
Regular exercise is good as well. Even a walk around the block would be good.
MarkFebruary 15, 2018 at 6:10 am #192631
Reads like you were not helped yet. You reached out to your family for help and they didn’t help, let you down. The professionals in the hospital are not helping you. This is believable to me, I too was not helped for decades. Sure there were gestures and acts of kindnesses by people, sometimes, but not help. I had a “good aunt” who was very nice to me, but she did not interfere with my mother abusing me. Same with the neighbors who were kind to me, but stayed quiet when my mother was yelling at me for hours at a time.
So, yes, believable.
It is amazing how many people are not helped, so many that the professionals in the hospital are jaded, too tired to attend to you, exhausted by the sheer number of people that need help. Maybe some of them don’t care.
They at the hospital do the easiest and minimal, as in removing your dressing gown because of the ties. And giving you psychiatric drugs. These drugs are necessary sometimes, of course, but they are not enough. They do not heal, only make life more bearable at times, alleviating some symptoms.
You wrote: “I am beyond exhausted and beyond pain. I see nothing to keep going for”-
I remember when I felt so very hopeless. So deep in despair, in so much emotional pain. It felt to me like drowning or sinking into a bottomless hole, an abyss. I desperately needed help, any kind of help. I remember. Many times. I don’t sink that way anymore.
Over time I learned that the great majority of people will do nothing to help me, or will do very little, far from enough to really help me. I also learned that I needed so much help, that any help was too little, not enough.
There is so much pain of so many kinds and too few people not in pain, too few available and willing to help the many.
The voices you mentioned, the “bloody voices and noises”- can you tell more about those?
anitaFebruary 15, 2018 at 8:52 am #192675
You mentioned finding a great majority of people not to having to or being able to help you. I wonder where or how did you find those minority of people you did find that helped you?
MarkFebruary 15, 2018 at 10:25 am #192699
* Dear Mark: my former psychotherapist was one, very helpful to me, 2011-2013. A hard working, dedicated, honest, very generous with his time and efforts, competent, capable yet imperfect man. He started me on my healing path.