I have been in hospital since Xmas. Its a hard journey from another overdose that didnt work, the realisation that I failed yet again, even after plenty of searching to find out the potency and fatal dose of the medications and taking more than was listed.

The ongoing psychiatric dealings with not just that but PTSD, nightmares and flashbacks.

Now all these weeks later the screaming in my nightmares has eased but I am still suicidal, in fact I told a night nurse the other night which led to her removing my dressing gown because of the ties. The dealings have unearthed trauma from my childhood that I had managed to push way back in my mind, being told not to talk about by people who should have helped and the bloody voices and noises back with a vengeance, not leaving me atcall and as I write this I have the sounds of a war movie guns and bombs fighting to be heard over voices of people telling me to get out and run, find a road in front of a truck and more vile things and the undercurrent of loud music. This is my everyday. So if i was 15/10 when admitted I am now 18/10 and being discharged and YES I have told my psychiatrist.

I searched my medications and both major ones have heavy warnings about increasing suicidal ideations and thoughts. I asked him why and apparently they are the best drugs.

Ithere has been no dealing with the voices and noises only to take an anti anxiety tablet. No dealing with childhood trauma only talk to your GP.

And to top it off about 3 weeks ago i started getting swelling of my hands and feet which in that time has gone to my knees, my elbows and shoulders and not just swelling but joint pain. Blood tests ruled out rheumatoid arthritis which my mother had and again talk to your GP. A woman from the  hospital pain team came and went in under 3 minutes and said take ibuprofen. The OT came and went in less than 10 mins and said to do gently exercise. This morning a trainee psychiatrist who works with mine spent nearly 20 mins with me. Then my psychiatrist reappeared said I am not goung home today as he will get some imaging done. Thank heavens for small mercies.

My bigger issue is my mental state. I am at a loss how to handle it. I am still in a suicidal thoughts constantly. But I am being discharged to friends who have 3 teenagers and although they say its fine and they welcome me for as long as necessary given my depression, anxiety, panic, vouces and noises and horrid thoughts am I safe! I know its up to me but I have been here so long I do want to leave. My room mate says i need to get a mental health order put on me. She says she has seen me get worse this last week. I have been told to talk about it but to who, I have no one I can confide in and dont know how I get a MHO or get a third party involved on my behalf. I realise it is short notice to get help but I guess there is no harm asking have any of you been like this. I am so lost added to it all my husband died 2 years ago so I have no partner to lean on.

I am beyond exhausted and beyond pain. I see nothing to keep going for, but I thank anybody out there for ‘listening’.