August 10, 2018 at 9:20 am #220969
Just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years and I feel awful.
He was my first everything. He was nice, thoughtful and loved me more than I can tell.
I loved him too.
But he’s had a tough life and that led to him having insecurities. One of them was about the size of his package. Two years ago he told me about it and how he fantasized about me being with someone that could “really” please me. For two years I tried to convince him that he was all I wanted. As I said, he was even my first kiss and I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being with someone else just for pleasure, even less while being in a relationship. He would keep pushing me, telling me he was sure I would like it and it was what I needed, but I wasn’t feeling it and constantly told him so. He never acted on it, but he would tell me about how depressed he was that he “wasn’t What I deserved”.
I stayed for two years having this conversation constantly, doing everything I could to help him without losing my values and without putting myself in a position I was completely uncomfortable with (being with someone else).
Despite this he was an amazing guy, he was my rock when I really needed him and my best friend. He talked about marrying me all the time, and I would have been happy with that life.
A couple of months ago the fantasy subject got pretty intense and I would lose my patience really fast.. how was it possible that I had to defend being faithful? We would fight constantly at night, regrettably I must admit it was through texts, we would both say we would try to be better and leave it at that.
To me, the magic was gone. I still loved him very much but I wasn’t truly happy. I tried to tell him this a couple of times and he would tell me he’d try harder for me. He really did a lot to try and make me happy but something had changed for me. I kept thinking “it has to get better”, how could I feel so strongly about someone and not be happy with him?
Then a couple of days ago we were fighting (in person) for something that wasn’t even that important, and he started yelling and I just told him “you know what? We are over, I can’t do this anymore” which I instantly regretted because I didn’t explain why I was doing it. When I tried to keep talking to explain what I was feeling he just dropped me off at my house (we were in his car) and asked me to please get out.
I texted him a little later and I tried to thank him for everything he has done for me and tell him I’m here if he needs me, he replied saying “you always deserved better” which broke my heart because I only wanted him but he couldn’t see it.
I’m really sad and scared about not having him in my life anymore, but getting back together would be selfish on my part because I cannot see a future while he still feels so strongly about his fantasy. What I do regret is hurting him, feeling like I’m abandoning him when he needs me. I believe he is broken from the experiences he’s had in his life and that I could have done more to help him, but at the same time I feel like I need to be a little selfish and think that it’s not fair for me to keep being unhappy thinking it will get better if I stay in a relationship with him.
Yet, I still love him dearly. It breaks my heart to know it’s over, and it feels even worse knowing how devastated he is.August 10, 2018 at 10:43 am #221043
I am really sorry about the lose he chose to have by letting you go,but it has nothing to do with you being selfish.
If you just notice,it had just been you who was trying to keep it together all the time,you were making compromises to get a validation from him or by watching him be happy on the stake of your own happiness.
The real catch in this relationship is that he was never sure about you from the very start,had he been he wouldn’t have let you go(I donot mean to hurt you,but this is the truth)
You loved him and this made you very much sure about being with him compromising all your needs,same applies at him as well,the person who loves you and is at the same page as you are,is rarely unsure.Practically,I can neither assume about his salary and stuff nor about your financial status but it would have been possible enough that you would have been helping him along if he had some financial hesitation.
Since,the person had been somewhere trying to drag you out to go and see someone else or was mentioning about he doesnt deserve you kind of stupid remark,he actually meant it.Had he deserved you,he would have valued to stay and convince you to stay any way possible.
You may also notice,if there would had been problems,you must have been the one taking efforts to confront most of the times,he would have hardly cared.Just,try to see a clear picture.Talking about getting married and actually wanting to get married are totally different.Had he wanted it to turn true,he would have been makimg efforts.
The reason behind this could be either he was “benching” you by exploring other options meanwhile or he was never prepared to invest that much into your relationship.Think about this,try to visualise,donot be biased to actually view the situation on his perspective,rather give it a thought,was he actually investing his 100% in making you happy?
Men are more clear in what they want and what they donot want mostly,they are less likely dragged by emotions than women are.
As for the solution to test his words and his actions are relating or not try to maintain a “no contact ” .No texts,no calls,no begging back for a minimum time of 3 weeks.
Most likely,you will find yourself getting back,peeping into or stalking him,DONOT DO THIS! Just donot even wait for him to text,do this till the time you are actually over the thought that you were being selfish,you werent being selfish.
You will know how much love you deserve and how much self love you owe before all this ?
GoodluckAugust 10, 2018 at 11:59 am #221065
You wrote: “I only wanted him but he couldn’t see it”. Throughout the years you’ve been with him, he didn’t see it that you only wanted to be with him.
You wrote: “I could have done more to help him”. But all that you have done… didn’t help him. If you stayed longer with him, he wouldn’t be helped, I don’t think.
“it feels even worse knowing how devastated he is”. It is very sad that he is devastated and that he has been devastated for so long, way before you entered his life. It is heart breaking to watch a person being devastated and to be able to do nothing about it. His emotional injury preceded you. You didn’t create it.
Unless he attended quality, individual psychotherapy for himself, If you stayed with him or got back with him, his pain will not decrease, but yours will increase.
anitaAugust 11, 2018 at 12:06 am #221107
Dear Eos and Anita:
thank you both for replying to such a long post. Your insight has helped me see things a little clearer.
It still hurts, but I know the wound is fresh and that I need time to heal properly. Even tho the sadness for the loss of a loved one is there, the guilt has faded a little because I did try my hardest to help him, there was nothing else for me to do and he wasn’t willing to see a professional.
For the meantime I’ll try to follow your advise, specially about not letting myself contact him or stalk him on social media.
AAugust 11, 2018 at 12:15 am #221109
Prayers for your strength as you heal.
Take care of yourself.August 11, 2018 at 2:43 am #221141
You are welcome. I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings in the days to come. I would like to read about how you are progressing through this post break up and reply to you if and when you post again.
anitaAugust 11, 2018 at 7:54 am #221143
I have been with my partner for almost 8 years and like in this story I became jealous of him so badly that I would point out other women to him that he might like. Yesterday he moved out to a rented place in order to think about things. We bought a house together 4 years ago. I’m lost without him as I love him very much and I am worried he will not want to be with me.August 17, 2018 at 4:56 pm #221981
I don’t really know how this works so I don’t know if anyone will see this but I wanted to make an update.
I’m feeling much better about the choice I made. In fact so much better that I sometimes feel guilty about being at peace so quickly after a breakup.
My ex is not okay, some friends told me he’s not going out and he’s posting old photos (of himself as a kid) with captions about how happy he used to be. I haven’t liked them, I barely looked at them actually. Should I like his photos as I feel they are a message for me or give him his space? It feels really weird to look at them and feel like I’m a stranger. At the same time I know that I can’t keep going back to try to “fix him” it’s just weird to not help someone after being his support system for so long and helping him comes like an instinct to me.
btw I’m not stalking him, I even patted myself in the back for not looking at his profile once. It just popped up on my feed.August 17, 2018 at 6:59 pm #221987
So yeah, new update, turns out he’s been telling people I broke up with him because “I don’t like small dicks” and talking trash about me so yeah. I believe he just made it 100 times easier for me to completely move on. Sorry for the language and thank you for the support.
AAugust 18, 2018 at 4:47 am #221993
I am glad you posted these two updates and please do post again anytime you would like to share your thoughts and feelings, I will read and reply. Maybe other members will as well.
Your most recent post- yuck. Yes, I can see how that would make it easier for you. I am surprised he is telling people such a personal detail about himself (real or imagined). It also makes me feel sad that this is what he is left with after all that you tried with him, all the time and emotional investment on your part. I suppose there is a lesson here, what do you think?
anitaAugust 18, 2018 at 6:35 am #222005
Thank you Anita,
honestly I don’t know what to think.. it’s like he’s this stranger I know nothing about. It’s so weird to know someone for so long and then find out he’s doing something like that.
Honestly I feel like I wasted a lot of my life but at the same time I can now move on without looking back wondering “what if” because I’m convinced I made the right decision for myself.
AAugust 18, 2018 at 6:51 am #222011
He believed he wasn’t good enough (or big enough) before he met you and he still believes the same thing. No matter how many times you told him that he is good enough, that didn’t make a dent in his belief. Years later and it is as if you had no impact on him, as a matter of fact, there has been no change in what he believes to be true.
What I would take with me from this experience, if I was you, is in the next relationship you have, find out what the man believes before getting into an intimate relationship with him. If what he believes is something that makes him miserable and will make you miserable, count on that belief to persist and don’t get involved with him further.