Mark,

Thank you for your advice. I am definitely in no position to be entering into any relationship with a man until I am ‘healed’, which will take as long as it needs to.

Anita,

Truth be told, I know very little about him. I have given up trying to understand him, because it was evidently my skewed perception of ‘love’ that kept me involved with such a man. My father has some serious anger and depression issues plus a ‘narcissistic’ personality. Growing up, I was often beat and then almost instantly he would apologise and the cycle would repeat all over again. My parents relationship has always been fractured. Yes, they are still married but my mother is very much subservient. His mood often fluctuates between very loving to completely cold and distant (sounds like the guy I was dating, right?).  Due to a very early traumatic sexual experience, I feel like I associated love/affection with sex. Clearly a lot of work needs to be done!

Thanks for reading.

Eliana,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I actually have that prayer written on my mirror! I will definitely look into the 12 step program x

Anita,

I am a Doctor by profession, and have always associated the word ‘healing’ with an illness/disease or wound. Therefore using the word makes me feel as though I am ‘sick’. Difficult concept to explain, but makes sense in my head! RE my father, that is very much still going on. I choose to think of his mood fluctuations as not being within his control, and rather attribute them to a personality disorder. Perhaps not the best way to deal, but it works for me.

Anita,

For many years, I actively neglected this aspect of my life and chose not to address it. I always felt as though accepting that I was damaged would make me a victim. In every aspect of my life, I strive to be the best that I can be, almost as though I am constantly trying to prove that I am worthy enough. The way I look in addition to my academic and professional achievements portray me as having the ‘perfect’ life, and prior to this recent experience with this man, that is how I felt. Truth is, I am injured and it will take a lot of work to un-learn my skewed patterns of love and affection.

Your analogy of being beaten and fed resonates deeply with me. I have often found in my relationships with men, I allow them to treat me badly and yet end up being the one who apologises. Each time I go back to them, I go with the hope that things will be different this time, but they never are. In fact, I could list every one of my previous relationships and in each situation, I am that little girl seeking affection, being beaten, and letting the cycle repeat again.

Perhaps I am also drawn to wounded men because from a very early age, I was the ‘protector’ for my mother during my father’s angry episodes. I take it upon myself to look after people, but neglect my own care. I’d like your thoughts about this?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Anita,

I tried several different tactics. When I was much younger, I would argue back with him and stand in the way if he tried to hit her, which in turn would result in me receiving the beating. My mother resented me for doing this, she often told me that my involvement made things infinitely worse between them. At other times, she would confide in me about the state of their relationship and I was expected to offer a solution (this started around the age of 7 and still continues more than 20 years on). I tried many times to ‘fix’ my father, and up until recently still believed that he could be fixed. I now realise that only he could make the active decision to change, nothing I can say or do will make a difference. I’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that people’s actions are about them, and not me. It’s difficult to keep perspective when you’re intimately involved with someone.

I realise a lot of my discomfort about the situation RE the man I was dating, is coming from a place of humiliation and shame. I feel horrified that I allowed myself to be so used and disrespected. However, I know where I need to go from here.

Thank you.

Thank you for your support Anita. It is deeply appreciated.