February 12, 2018 at 12:29 pm #192079
I’ll try and keep this brief.
Last year I met a guy on an online dating app, and we became good ‘friends’ we spoke for almost 6 months before we started dating. The first date in his own words was ‘the best first date ever’ (which when I later reminded him, he cruelly laughed and said ‘well at least you have a nice memory’). We both enjoyed each other’s company, we became intimate and started ‘dating’. We spoke every day and carried on as usual. However, over time he started blowing ‘hot and cold’, and sex was mainly his topic of interest (I know, I know – I can already see the eyes rolling but stay with me) every time I would address this, he would come up with some sort of excuse. After almost a year it got to the point where I asked him what are we doing? I need to have some consistency in my life. At first he told me I was amazing yada yada but he was not in the right place (after sending this text he ghosted me for 9 days). I refused to accept this, and foolishly told him how much I cared for him and wanted to make this work, and I really didn’t understand how things could have changed for us but if I was no longer what he wanted that was fine, and wished him the best of luck. His response was to scream and shout that he was simply using me as a distraction to move on from his last relationship, and I was nothing more than an attractive girl for him to pass time with, and that I had no right to have any feelings for him. He also made horrible remarks about the fact that we had slept together, and how he had met me online so it must equate to me having a ‘bad reputation’, in fact he used things I had told him about my life against me as reasons to not want to be with me. He did not want a relationship with me, and wanted to go our separate ways, and that he was emotionally incapable of being close to me (what kinda of bs?!) and he said he was doing this for my happiness. Prior to this conversation, I had tried to ‘end’ things several times and he always managed to make me stay (silly me, I know!). He turned from being the most sweet, affectionate man to a cold, manipulative ass**** over night. I was in shock, and understandably devastated. As much as this hurt me, I took this as my closure and tried to move forward. In fact, after that phone call he had me thinking this was all my fault and that I had imagined our whole ‘relationship’ so by end I was apologising to him! I suffered terrible panic attacks, and my physical/mental health suffered massively. A few weeks pass by, and my friend comes across him on several dating sites where he is ‘actively looking for a relationship’ (he’s messaged some of my friends!!) – this has completely destroyed me. I know I should not internalise this as ‘why was I not enough’? but I can’t help but feel disgustingly used as a bridge between his old and new relationship. I stupidly messaged him to tell him how much he has hurt me, and that he should be ashamed that a man in his 30s behaved this way following this he blocked my number and blocked me from every social media that he has. My self-esteem is destroyed, my heart is beyond broken and I have terrible trust issues. This all occurred over the last 4 months and I’m still feeling beyond distraught. My life before him was perfect, I am a Doctor with an incredibly busy, healthy lifestyle but emotionally I am destroyed. I carry on smiling and work as normal but I have a terrible ‘fear’ of men! I am seeking appropriate help from a therapist, but I was just wondering if anybody else has had this sort of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde experience? The most infuriating thing is, a part of me still ‘loves’ him – I just feel helpless! I don’t even want to sleep in my bed anymore because it reminds me of him. I feel incredibly stupid because in hindsight the red flags are glaringly obvious! I know I was the fool for allowing this to carry on for so many months and have my heart invested, but alas I can not rewind the clock and change things. How do I move on from this?
A broken woman.February 12, 2018 at 12:33 pm #192083
Broken to be happy again, meditate. Helps me every time.
Please Broken, try that for 10 minutes. Okay.February 12, 2018 at 12:53 pm #192091
I hope this works.February 12, 2018 at 1:08 pm #192093
Thank you. I’ll have a look into this 🙂February 13, 2018 at 7:29 am #192205
I hope you heal and recover from this experience of “Broken, lost and confused”- it will help if you are less confused. For the purpose of gaining clarity, I ask:
you wrote that there were glaring red flags in the relationship, in hindsight. What were they and how quickly did they appear?
anitaFebruary 13, 2018 at 8:59 am #192217
I’ll list a few;
1) Mentions of his ex during ‘intimate’ moments but as very passing comments e.g. ‘I know how women think because I had a girlfriend, I mean ex-girlfriend for a while’
2) Told me a story about a girl he dumped, and she accused him of ‘using’ her.
3) Some very bizarre judgemental comments
4) Laughing at inappropriate situations!
5) Inability to ‘voice’ emotions, even though we were physically very affectionate
6) Multiple dating profiles, with different descriptions of himFebruary 13, 2018 at 9:25 am #192227
I wonder after all this, that you find it difficult to move on. You said you want to but cannot and it has affected you life profoundly.
I suspect that this man was a catalyst that triggered something that was lurking deeper. I believe if we are healthy and congruent then we are able to rebound from life’s trials and tribulations. I am not saying it would be easy or quick but if we have the inner resources, good sense of our self, self love then we have a core of emotional resilience to weather such setbacks. I may be talking out of my ass but that’s my belief.
I don’t have any real suggestions for you if that is the case for you but at least it may be something that will help you find the right help for yourself.
MarkFebruary 13, 2018 at 10:31 am #192249
Regarding #1, a red flag for me is that he stated that he “knows how women think”, that is, he doesn’t see a distinction between individual women’s thinking, assuming they all think alike.
And it reads to me that he doesn’t think highly of “how women think”, and therefore, of how you think.
In addition to that, reads to me, that he feels much anger about what he perceives to be “how women think”, having read his behavior toward you in your original post.
You referred to your experience with him as a “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde experience”- I suppose he hid his anger at times, that he needs a woman in his life on one hand, and that on the other he is angry at women. When he needs more than he is angry, he acts nice toward the woman; when he is angry more than he needs a particular woman, he is rude and abusive.
anitaFebruary 13, 2018 at 11:32 am #192263
Thank you for your reply. I completely agree! In the past, I have been able to bounce back from much more ‘difficult’ situations than this, and truth be told this has unleashed some demons that I had locked up for a long time! That is probably the reason why this situation has consumed me. I plan on spending my time tackling my own demons and healing myself from this day forward.
Thank you! 🙂
That makes so much sense! I never even thought of it that way. That would definitely explain why he generalised so much! Thank you for your valuable insight. I never did find out why his last relationship ended so badly, perhaps that is what has shaped his view of women?February 13, 2018 at 12:37 pm #192293
You are welcome. It is more likely that a man’s relationships with women is shaped by his relationship as a child and onward with his own mother, being influenced as well by his father’s attitude toward women. By the time a man is an adult, attitudes such as these are already formed.
anitaFebruary 13, 2018 at 2:22 pm #192331
You are welcome Ash.
I wonder if you care to share what those demons you think there are that is keeping you from healing?
MarkFebruary 13, 2018 at 2:50 pm #192337
This is what baffles me. He had a very loving relationship with his mother, but was very dependent on her! Alas, I must stop analysing him and focus on myself.
There are many: difficult relationship with my father, a need for ‘validation’, rape survivor. I have never truly dealt with any of these issues, and perhaps that is why I was drawn to such a man. In an odd way, I am very grateful for the experience because I know realise how many broken pieces I truly have that I need to fix.February 14, 2018 at 7:34 am #192443
Thank you for sharing that Ash.
I wish you well in addressing those deeper issues so you can heal and live a fuller life.
I would think you would need to heal a bit more before venturing out into having another relationship with a man.
Best to you,
MarkFebruary 14, 2018 at 7:36 am #192447
He told you that he had and has a loving relationship with his mother, did he? A child has only one experience with love, nothing to compare it to, and so, a child believes that was love, whatever it was. A child can be beaten ten times a day by a parent, but if fed once, the child will say it was love.
It is better to ask a person than to assume, lots to learn this way. If you would like to share… about your definition of love, the love you experienced as a child, please do. As well as the difficult relationship with your father, if you’d like my input, that is.
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 8:11 am #192457
I read a quote once, it said “All of us are broken, but even broken crayons still color the same”. I am wondering, sometimes, we have to surrender, to turn it over. We can’t fix every aspect of our lives. There is a serenity prayer that we use in Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step support program I attend. (I do the phone groups since there are no face-to-face meetings where I live). It says “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. In other words, we have to accept things about ourselves we can’t change on our own by willpower, and just turn it over, let it go. We are all like beautiful jigsaw puzzles. All peices, fitting together, one peice at a time, one day at a time. If a peice doesn’t fit, the jigsaw puzzle is not “broken” or “defective” it will eventually fit and it is still beautiful with a missing few peices.
Have you tried a 12 step support anonymous program such as emotions Anonymous? You can Google it. It is an amazing program. No charge. You can find a sponsor though one is not required to help you work the 12 steps. I have been in in for years, and have seen shy, unhappy, broken, emotionally beaten down people turn into hapoy, smiling positive people now in healthy relationships for the first time. The program really does work. x