I was bullied for many years of my childhood up until grade 12. I never learned how to handle it in a healthy manner and didn’t know if there was a way that I could make myself less of a target. I became interested in fashion shortly after high school and thought if I could enhance my outer appearance with a more put-together look, it would make me less of a target. I didn’t know exactly what my style or even what my size was but I liked a lot of different things, so that accompanied my journey of self exploration and development in college. But unfortunately it also became an addiction and I visited stores online and at the mall obsessively while at college. Employees started to make fun of me which made things all the more painful and awkward and perhaps worsened the addiction. I know what I like but don’t have the budget to assemble a complete, proper weekday wardrobe and dream about it all the time. So my clothes are a little frumpy and awkward, but I’m still trying to keep up an appearance and trying to make the most of it. I’m frustrated and ashamed to be over such a superficial thing, but I feel like if people can’t see that I’m an organized, thoughtful, amiable person worthy of being treated equally (and not like dirt), it will just make living in this world that much harder.
About halfway through high school when the bullying was really bad, I started to withdraw into fantasy worlds, through daydreams, books and video games. I also began spiritually bypassing (avoiding the problems) by immersing myself in Spiritual New age books. This unfortunately did not help for me. After reading the Secret my inner self blame was magnified, and I had unhealthy thoughts crop up like, “If I’m attracting all these bullies then that means all of it is my fault and I deserve to be bullied.” I’m working on rejecting that belief now and focusing on ways to actually improve myself as a person, and my life style.
I have very bad social anxiety and pretty much feel like a deer and it’s open season when I leave the house. I’m constantly aware of my body movements and don’t know how to act or feel comfortable when at any moment someone could tear down my sense of self-worth. So I’m constantly on guard and keep my headphones on with music playing to try to distract myself from this fear and the possible threat of more psychological damage.
I’ve been feeling even more vulnerable since about a year ago when one of my closest friends became passive aggressive towards me and then stopped talking to me completely. The fear of it happening again and combined resentment plagues me and I’m starting to worry that the same thing is happening with one of my two remaining friends, whose attitudes towards me during a recent get-together came a cross as subtle antipathy. But it was subtle enough that I couldn’t tell if I was imagining it or not. I’m ready to give up having a social life and am bordering on becoming an embittered misanthrope. Why live the pain of abuse and rejection repeatedly? I’d rather have cats. I’m just fed up with it all and very depressed. I don’t even care if I come across as selfish or mean. I wish I could be a likeable person but I’m tired of being rejected.