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Can I change?

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  • January 8, 2016 at 4:36 pm #91828
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thankyou for all your advice,Anita,my boyfriend has 100% ended things tonight. He just sees how we are too different.He too has concerns that I struggle with his daughters.I am quite gutted as I loved him and knew where I needed to improve myself,I was willing to put the effort in. I can’t convince him now x

    January 8, 2016 at 6:53 pm #91836
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    It must be very painful for you. Ended it tonight… How are you feeling now, when you are reading this? What are your thoughts and feelings..?

    anita

    January 9, 2016 at 1:43 am #91856
    Shelly
    Participant

    I guess I’m feeling hurt and rejected. I know in past relationships on 2 occasions,he has given things another go but not with me. I left 2 people hurt in past relationships,so this is actually now me in that situation. It hurts like crazy.Being honest,I know in my heart,we are just too different and I really think trying to change myself would have been really tough. It’s like me expecting to change my personality! Isn’t that almost impossible! I wonder too if I wanted him to come round as I have never been rejected before.That sounds really awful but truthful.

    January 9, 2016 at 1:50 am #91857
    Shelly
    Participant

    I pushed him away time and time again,ended it several times! He always wanted to work it out,he always said he’d never go anywhere and there was nothing we couldn’t get through! I took him for granted! Assumed he would always be around. I treated him badly and now I have paid the ultimate price through my own doing. I have lost a kind,loving,patient,funny,sexy and hardworking man! No one to blame but me! X

    January 9, 2016 at 2:37 am #91858
    Shelly
    Participant

    It us true,Anita,what you advised someone else in this forum about getting attached to people. That is definitely my case. My parents and brothers have moved away over the past few years. I was going through my divorce and felt completely deserted and alone. That is a huge reason why I get attached to people,I know it.The thought of never seeing this man again destroys me,I have never felt so cared for and supported! X

    January 9, 2016 at 9:24 am #91881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    Your posts here “scream” to me something like the following (The Shelly little girl that you were and still is inside you): “I was left behind. He or she or they (parent/ parents) didn’t pay attention to ME. They didn’t see ME. Their attention was elsewhere! What about ME? When is it MY turn? When do I get to be taken care of?

    And that little girl Shelly has been throwing temper tantrums with this last boyfriend, upset and crying and saying something like: “Oh, you are SAYING you love me, so how come you are paying attention to your daughter and not to ME? What about ME? When is it MY turn?

    And now that he ended it, the little girl is still throwing an anger tantrum: “Oh, you ended it with me too soon while you gave the other women in your life a second, or third chance? What about ME? When do I get MY second, or third..etc., chance?

    This old hurt, old pain is bleeding, has been bleeding for a long, long time. I am so sorry, Shelly. I know this pain only too well. If not addressed, that is if it is not seen in the context of how it happened, long ago and slowly placed in that context in the past, it will keep bleeding into the present.

    What do you think or feel about my input here…? Please post again. I am concerned for you.

    anita

    January 9, 2016 at 10:02 am #91888
    Shelly
    Participant

    Wow,you describe me well!! Lol. I have accepted it is over now I just can’t bare for him to disappear from my life( thats how he copes with a break up). He has agreed to meet tomorrow but he has made it 100% clear that we can try friendship as long as i know it is over 100%. I will force myself to do it if I can have him around sometimes. My friends all think I’m crazy and so does he,they all feel it should be a clean break! I have had so many people move away I will accept friendship! X

    January 9, 2016 at 10:06 am #91893
    Shelly
    Participant

    Ps I am the sort of person who sorts everyone out,makes sure everyone has what they need. You are right,I want to be taken care of,I want someone to share theload,make decisions,take off the pressure! I do what my turn,I guess I always tested my boyfriend…to make sure he could fulfill these desires in me but ultimately I demanded too much!

    January 9, 2016 at 9:24 pm #91944
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    Tomorrow is almost here and you will be (or already did) meet him. I hope you can use the opportunity to just tell him simply, honestly how things are for you. With no expectations of resurrecting the relationship (if you trust his 100% assertion)- you have nothing to lose. Be vulnerable, tell him how badly you want to be taken care of, to be number one! Have an honest conversation, straightforward… no reason not to, not a single reason, I say.

    Please post again after the meeting.. or before.

    anita

    January 10, 2016 at 10:41 am #91979
    Shelly
    Participant

    I had a great day with my boyfriend and now I have no option but to just move forward.so so sad,I messed up badly.He talked about being broken and he has much less love for me now.The tip of the iceburg was when I made zero effort to see his family and his daughter over xmas. The importance of this is just beyond massive to him! I can not repair that,ever! I can’t go back and change that,this confirmed the end for him.
    I accept it is over,I no longer see him as my boyfriend…I just miss his company and him as a person. In our bubble things were just beyond amazing.Just too many differences finished us in the end. He said he would possibly meet for coffee in the future but he is happy to have a clean break. I am going to be positive and look forward to the future. Just feel so so sad today.

    January 10, 2016 at 11:04 am #91983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    Glad you posted with the recent update. You wrote that “In our bubble things were just beyond amazing”- this is very insightful, the words “in our bubble”- life is more than what was in the bubble, the reality of him having a daughter and two children total. Way more than the bubble. It was good in the bubble and your sadness is understandable, the loss of the love in the bubble. (I like the word bubble here so I keep repeating it..)

    Outside the bubble, when in the relationship with him, you experienced much distress, remember that too. When you process the experience, try to not remember only the happiness in the bubble. Remember it AND the misery of outside the bubble, just to keep things real, the way they were.

    Please post again… and again…
    anita

    January 10, 2016 at 11:13 am #91984
    Shelly
    Participant

    You are right,Anita,when I think of ‘outside’ our bubble I was really unhappy. I tried to end things many times because I just found his life too difficult to fit into( crazy as it was all nice things ie. Family events etc) but just not easy for me. Today his daughter phoned while he was with me,I just found that difficult…I have to be honest with myself.We were just not right for each other.That is what I will focus on now..thankyou for your support,I can’t tell you how much I have appreciated it x

    January 10, 2016 at 6:49 pm #92022
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    You are welcome … and anytime!

    I do my best to stick to reality, to not delude myself about it. The more I do, the healthier I am: this is why I suggested that you remember the good and the bad and not only the good: that wouldn’t be real.

    Please do post again. I would like to read how you are doing over time!
    anita

    January 11, 2016 at 11:31 pm #92194
    Shelly
    Participant

    I’m heartbroken,Anita, will it get easier?i know I don’t want to be in a relationship with this man but miss his friendship and company. I can’t stop crying,I am not sleeping or eating. Please give me some inspirational words to keep me positive,thankyou so much xx

    January 12, 2016 at 8:50 am #92214
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    As expected (by me), of course you are grieving the good things that you did experience with him, the love that was there, the possibility that was for more love.

    Love is what you need, to love and be loved in return. Only it can’t all happen in the bubble we talked about. Best if … next relationship, you choose a man with no minor children and if he has older children, see to it that they are independent and he is not supporting them financially. So you minimize the triggers this way, your suffering outside the bubble (outside the good times).

    But even with minimizing the triggers there will be hard times, some suffering…even if the man was most un-triggering…

    What I am leading to is to giving you my suggestion to keep yourself positive in this difficult time: focus on healing, your own healing. It is an opportunity for you to attend to your old wounds.

    And at the same time, be easy on yourself. Soothe and calm yourself in ways that work… anything from hot baths (my practice) to exercise and maybe slow, mindful movements practices like yoga and Tai Chi. These will help calm you and make it possible for you to proceed with healing…

    Please post again and I do understand your pain, the loss. You can write more about what it is you lost, it may help, or not… you can try it, if you’d like.

    My best wishes to you!!!
    anita

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