Dear Shelly:

I understand that he told you all those things but when we have a strong voice in our brain telling us otherwise, we don’t hear what another is saying… or we hear, but then, we check and look and we soon find a “proof” that after all we are not number one. As in: “If I was number one, then he would not be doing this or that…”

When I mentioned healing, I was referring to those voices that spoke louder than him.

If you want, you can let that louder voice speak here….

Problem is, this is not a psychotherapy situation and feelings may come up, so if you try this and feel distressed, overwhelmed, back off from the effort. You can only do what you can handle emotionally at any time…

If you can, for as much as you can… Till later:

anita

Dear Shelly:

Good to get an post by you, 11 days after the last but sorry you are in low spirits. I read a post earlier on this page where you wrote: “I was told daily that I was attractive,that he was never going to leave,that there was nothing we couldn’t get through..” I wish he didn’t say that to you because he did leave you and there was something you couldn’t get through. I can see by this quote alone that he was not perfect. So no, it was not all your fault, of course not. And you wrote above that you were doing so well before he came along… so there is more to the story then ….we both thought there was. Only that the story ended and we can only learn about it retroactively, looking back, as you are doing. And that is fine, lessons to be learned for better functioning in the future.

You had your own issues in that relationship, the jealousy, possessiveness we talked about at length and we were both focused on that but no doubt, there were issues on his end that you, being there, didn’t see at the time because you were focused elsewhere. You are now feeling bitter, a month since the break, probably because there is something to be seen about what happened.

The fact that he was such a devoted boyfriend, going out of his way to be there for you and telling you that he will never leave you no matter what is a bit too much… and it proved to be “too good to be true” because he did leave you. So him being the most devoted boyfriend and declaring he will always be with you was a bit empty. It was fueled by his motivations, maybe to be “the good guy”- I don’t know- but what is obvious, is that his dedication was not based on his own reality but on some kind of a mixture of reality and wishful thinking or pretense or the way he presents itself that is not adequately authentic.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Shelly:

If I was you, I would write to him that he broke his promises to you and that (as far as I know) he did not even talk to you about going back on his promises. I wonder if he makes promises to his kids and does not keep those. It is wrong to not keep a promise to a child and it is wrong to do the same to an adult.

Like I wrote before, just because you were not perfect, in no way means he was! Something to remember…

Writing to him is okay, I think, as long as you have no expectations that anything will come of it. But how can it possibly hurt (if you have no expectations), at least you have a say in what matters to you.

If you want to write the first draft or so here, you are welcome. Make it short and don’t go on and on about any point. And you are welcome!

anita

Dear Shelly:

I would add to your note right after “I’m hurt and bitter because you gave me empty promises”- here I would specify the promises, what they were word by word if you can, list them: You promised me this: “…” and this: “…” repeatedly (if you can remember how many times or where and when, state it shortly.

Second input: I would delete the last two lines, from: “You say you are still angry with me!” to the end. Maybe you can re-write it, but don’t tell him he dwells far too long on anything, that is unfair criticism… something you probably do too! Also, maybe just stick to the two points you made: that he never allowed you to finish what you say (never, or often?) and that he broke his promises. More points made may take away from the power of the first two points, each of which is very significant.

anita

Dear Shelly:

As I just read your post about him emailing you, I got excited myself, positively excited and hopeful. That was my automatic reaction, and looking at your post I sense you are excited as well! Elated and hopeful!!!

Okay, this is an opportunity. I see you are willing but are cautious. If this thread is helpful, could be helpful to you, I would like to be here for you in what is to come. Excitement is good but for best thinking, of course, calmness is necessary. I suppose this is why you looked at Mindfulness videos. Friday, this is the day after tomorrow. Some preparing to do?

First, I wouldn’t fight my feelings of excitement and hope and I will share those with him. Be real with him, honest and expect him to be the same. So do not add to your distress trying to hide your real feelings. It is okay to be excited and hopeful, and scared all at the same time. And realistically, solving problems of past relationship with him, problems brought into the relationship by both (!) parties: you and him- these problems cannot be solved before you see him and they cannot be solved on Friday! It will take willingness, honest communication, awareness of what is going on with you… and with him, and over time, solutions are possible.

Post anytime!

anita

Hey shelly, first of all calm down ,you are a lucky person who got such a wonderful guy who understands you, loves you and tries to please you. Don’t ruin your relationship b’coz of negative thoughts and feelings(jealousy, possessiveness).keep trust on him, on your relationship it will work or go ahead whether in good and bad situations.Rather being jealous or feeling socially awkward try to get involve with his daughter,family,friends,attain social functions etc.

shelly, you can change everything depends upon your thinking and your feelings.

Mugdha

Dear Shelly:

How are you?

anita