Can we EVER REALLY be freinds after Break-up?

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Nina Sakura.

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August 26, 2016 at 10:30 am #113338
Butterfly
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Long story short (Previous post called Emotional Roller Coaster & NO closure) I was in a bad relationship off and on for 14 months. We never officially called it quits, I just got fed up AGAIN and stopped all contact (again). I know It was not a healthy relationship. (Push/Pull, Hot & Cold, “Ghosting”) But other than that he was never “ABUSIVE” per se. Not Physically ever. Emotionally I guess. And although I KNOW he is damaged and likely emotionally unavailable he does have SOME good qualities: funny, smart, handy, a great cook, etc. We could and used to talk for HOURS about everything under the sun (one reason I stayed kept going back). So I say all that so say this: I am still doing no contact and today will make three weeks on my end. He has only texted me 6 times total which normally would have “won” me back but NOT this time. I am trying my best and I believe I am well on my way to 30 days (or more) no contact which I have never done before. My question is: Once he is OUT of my system completely and I can look at him for WHO he really is. Can I ever be “friends” with him? Like start over (NO PHYSICAL contact of course) but occasional texts or phone calls just to chat? One thing I did not mention before is he has a deadly disease and could literally “die at any time” and I would HATE to not know if he passed away. I know it’s crazy that I still care but I do care about him as a person (I am overly empathetic) I am a true Pisces! Please any feedback from anyone would help. Thank you!

Butterfly
- This topic was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Butterfly.
August 26, 2016 at 6:08 pm #113357

Matt
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hello,

I’m no relationship expert by any means but I’m friends with my ex wife. Our break up was very civil and never a bad word was said. We both knew we wanted to remain friends when we first discussed separating for good. Her parents did the same thing though there was a gap of a few years where they weren’t talking.

IMO its definitely possible though all wounds need to be healed before it can happen otherwise you risk getting on the roller coaster again. I’ve read your other thread and I think you’ll need some time to heal and find / love yourself before you’re ready to be friends with this man. Even then it might not work if he’s not done the work he needs to do. In that case you might just find that its not worth being his friend at that time.

August 28, 2016 at 7:26 pm #113544

Butterfly
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MMSmith

Thank you for your response. Although I do miss alot of things about him. I don’t miss feeling sad, hurt, anxious, confused and depressed. I am slowing getting over all of that. I am about 1-2 weeks out from 30 days no contact (on my end) and I am doing good. I still want to reach out but I won’t. I will just continue to pray for him because he is probably not going to change and I can not talk to him until I am completely over him. UGH…. I wish ALL the feelings would just go away. Thanks again fir your reply.

Butterfly

August 28, 2016 at 8:58 pm #113564

Miniature Bodhisattva
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Butterfly,

MMSmith is right, it is possible to be friends, but you definitely need to make sure you’re both 100% healed from the breakup first.

While praying for him is lovely, be sure to not forget about about yourself in all of this. The saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” comes to mind. Try, as difficult as it may be, to channel all the energy you have going his way back to you. Be a great friend to *yourself*, and you’ll be on your way to mending your heart.

If you meditate, I would recommend doing a metta (loving-kindness) meditation. Search YouTube or the Insight Time app for one that resonates with you. Typically they start with you sending warm thoughts to yourself, then to someone you love (not a romantic partner), someone you are angry with, and then the world. It’s very powerful. Give it a try!

Best of luck to you!

August 28, 2016 at 9:27 pm #113567

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hey Butterfly,

I feel the same after a breakup last year – there was too much history, we tried to be in touch but it got painful, especially for him because I had moved on so soon. Then we decided to maintain very less or no contact. He got busy with his work, I ended up changing messenger numbers for other reasons but eventually kept him in the loop through an email – he isnt on my social media anymore though – just that one messenger.

I understand now why keeping space despite an amicable breakup is necessary – time to heal and let go of bitterness, resentment if any is important. It will never be the same again but time makes it easier. Only you will know with time whether this person is worth staying friends with – the first guy I dated seriously seriously really hurt me and never apologized in the end and hence I say his true colours. I cut him out after the breakup tbough he later wanted to be friends. I just couldn’t trust him.

So basically, you gotta decide whether this person is someone you want to keep in touch with? I wouldn’t suggest all out meeting and regular talking though when you are trying to move on from things and dating other people until it’s like 1-2 years after atleast.

The rest you will know best based on your situation 🙂
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