Dear Emmy:

You are welcome, and good morning to you!

You wrote about being called a b***: “This is just a stamp now, a badge of honor, that I wear proudly“.

You shared that in regard to abusive people, you are “prone to letting people return, but they don’t get the same version of me… it turns into a cold exchange of hellos and goodbyes… usually just stupid crap on FB and seeing these people when I’m with someone who is still friends w the persons“.

You shared in regard to your mother and your contact with her: “She is narcissistic. Mom was home…  I know if I change the subject to myself, she quickly wants to hang up“, “Limiting her exposure to me and knowing how to work around her seems to work out ok. I get a call once a month or 2. or a text from her“.

About your father and your contact with him: “Dad wasn’t around when we were kids… He has PTSD from war and did some sh*** stuff as a human”, “I had cut my father out for a while, but I needed a roof over my head, and he gave me one“.

About you, your siblings (and your parents, if I understand correctly), you wrote: “We all are scraping by surviving (none of us lives) … we were taught to be dependent on others, like she showed us growing up“.

My input this morning: you adjusted well to your family and to abuse: (1) Being called a b*** is no longer humiliating, but a badge of honor; it no longer shames you; it makes you proud! (2) You let abusive people return to your life but it’s not a problem because the context is usually limited and the exchange is cold, (3) You listen to your mother talk about herself. When you start talking about yourself, she quickly hangs up. But it’s not a problem because you exchange a phone call or a text with her only once a month, or once every other month, (4) Maybe your father did some sh*** things to you, and that’s why you cut him out, but when you didn’t have a place, he let you stay with him, so he was helpful after all.

All these adjustments keep you emotionally and practically unwell. Think of this imagery, if you will: you are a piece of a jigsaw puzzle fitting in with other pieces (your family members, other abusive people) best you can, but it’s far from being a perfect fit. As a result, all the pieces are kind of messed up, the jigsaw puzzle is loosely held together, the picture resulting is dull and uninspiring.

Within the jigsaw puzzle, you are doing as well as anyone could, being in your place. But your hope, your magnificence is about exiting this jigsaw puzzle and giving yourself the chance to become who you would become if you were free from that one jigsaw puzzle.

anita

Dear Emmy:

“How does the bear leave the cage?” – a bear that has given up on escaping the cage, a hopeless bear, no longer hears the call of the wild: that irresistible, natural desire to roam, to investigate, to discover what’s out there.

“I didn’t learn to roam far” – roaming animals don’t learn to roam, they just do it, a result of inborn instinct.

“How do you leave when the tries haven’t worked, you end up right where you started?” – look at why it didn’t work out before and leave differently this time.

“How does it end?” – it ends with death, whether you stay or leave. But really living, existing beyond survival, giving up the dullness and becoming magnificent, really is about hearing that call of the wild and following it, in a way that’s right for you.

anita