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Can’t change my past…

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  • #389059
    Amber Rose
    Participant

    I can’t change my past but it is seeping into my future. I met someone last year during the darkest times of my life.

    During the first year of university, I had a job. Unfortunately, I turned up late and wasn’t responsible enough with my finances either. Then the pandemic hit, and I lost my job during the second semester of term, and that’s when my life started to darken.

    Through second year of my studies, I was failing, had a series of events happen, my grades were poor and when he came into my life, I changed for the better. He was someone that I thought I could look up to, as his grades were perfect. I wasn’t seeing the real him. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, I’m trying to take the lessons I learned with me.

    Unfortunately he didn’t see me in that way and we had to go our separate ways. I then met someone a month after, and he seemed like everything I was looking for, except he’s long distance in America. I live in the UK.

    My past habits have influenced who I am today. Last week, I spent 11 hours studying and making sure my essay was perfect, two weeks before the deadline because I didn’t want to fail again, I had a fear of failure. I joined a student forum that breeds my perfectionism as many people on that forum go to the best universities in the world. Yet I feel stuck. I feel stuck in myself because I can’t accept who I am. I’m always so negative about myself all the time. I always think that I am worthless without a master’s degree or a doctorate. The person I was talking to has completely disappeared and I don’t know when he is coming back.

    I recently got a new job, and it is such a blessing as everyone seems happy. I actually love my job, and want to stay there long term.

    I can’t help but not feel satisfied with my life though, and I’m always searching for something else.

    #389064
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amber Rose:

    You wrote back in June 2018, in your first thread: “I… would class myself as a perfectionist“. Fast forward 3 years and five months to today, you wrote: “Last week, I spent 11 hours studying and making sure my essay was perfect... I joined a student forum that breeds my perfectionism”-

    – Your perfectionist attitude and efforts are working against you, not for you, leading you to under-perform: “I had a job. Unfortunately, I turned up late and wasn’t responsible enough with my finances either… my grades were poor“.

    This attitude is also is causing you obsessive thinking and has caused you to go to extremes: “I have been binge eating during my exams… I am starting to have weird obsessions with it and one minute I’m going raw vegan, the next I just want to eat fruits and vegetables” (June 2018).

    You wrote in June 2018: “I’m also really negative most days”, and today: “I feel stuck in myself because I can’t accept who I am. I’m always so negative about myself all the time… I can’t help but not feel satisfied with my life though, and I’m always searching for something else“-

    – You will need to (1) Stop thinking in extremes, in all-or-nothing: expecting to feel/ perform either 100% or zero%, (2) Stop trying to compensate for your perceived zero-worth by insisting on a 100% performance.

    You will feel satisfied with yourself and with your life when you become okay with performing somewhere in between the zero you are scared of, and the hundred you long for. That something else that you need, seems to me- is a healthy medium in between the extremes. What do you think?

    anita

     

    #389614
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Amber Rose?

    anita

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