Home→Forums→Tough Times→Can\'t Get out of this mess
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December 11, 2017 at 6:16 am #181497uroozParticipant
Hello everyone,
I am here for a third person advise, the more the better.
I am married (arranged marriage under social pressure). I was in live with another guy before i got married but he did not respond when i got the proposal when i told him that my parents want me to get married, he responded in an indifferent way. I thought he is not interested, so i said yes.
Now i am married and he showed up after my marriage crying and blaming me that i did not give him time. we got even closer after my marriage. He wants me to end my marriage and marry him. His parents will not approve of us so he wants it to keep it a secret. His parents are forcing him to marry someone their choice. He wants to do that to keep his parents off his back. i don’t know what to do. That is not acceptable to me but he keep assuring me that he will love me and he will do whatever i want but i should let him marry his parents choice. When i say just go get married and let me go. he says leaving me is not possible for him.
I need opinions on this situation. I know i should not say yes to him. But why is my heart not at ease and why do i feel like i should say yes…
December 11, 2017 at 6:57 am #181519AnonymousGuestDear urooz:
I don’t understand: he wants you to end your marriage and marry him and he plans on marrying another woman, his parents’ choice?
anita
December 11, 2017 at 7:29 am #181527uroozParticipantyes that is what he wants. He thinks marrying another woman will keep his parents off his back. He is under pressure because his parents are forcing him to marry.
December 11, 2017 at 7:33 am #181531AnonymousGuestDear urooz:
But how does he plan on marrying you if he also plans to marry another woman? Is he planning on marrying two women?
anita
December 11, 2017 at 7:53 am #181537uroozParticipantits possible in our culture. A guy can marry more than one women. He wants to keep ours secret (buy me house etc) while the other marriage is just to fulfill social demands. I know its difficult to understand but my problem is i cant find myself leaving him. How can i be so closely attached to him?
Any discussion about that matter with him ends up with me feeling guilty and wrong. he makes me feel bad about saying no to his plans.
December 11, 2017 at 8:23 am #181539AnonymousGuestDear urooz:
You wrote that this man responded indifferently when you told him that your parents were arranging a marriage for you. It may be that he started pressuring you to divorce your husband and marry him secretly only after his parents were pressuring him to marry another woman.
He may be angry at his parents, not wanting to be completely obedient to them, so he found… a sort of a solution: marry her publically and rebel against his parents secretly, by marrying you.
If so, then he is quite selfish, seeking his solution at your expense, blaming you and encouraging you to feel guilty so that you give in to his solution.
What do you think?
anita
December 11, 2017 at 8:34 am #181543uroozParticipantExactly!! I think the same but i am afraid i may give up.
He keeps reassuring me that he will be all mine. He will not make any kind of relationship to the other woman but its just he wants his mother to be happy and i have to stand with him in this. Then i ask why ruin some other girls life when you don’t want to have any relationship with her? He says you don’t have to worry about that because that’s my problem. You just build a wall and don’t think about my other marriage and family…. Is that possible? Can a women just close her eyes and say that nothing exists. On telling him that its not possible foe me to just build a wall and pretend that things are fine… he says you are just ungrateful, i say i will be all yours and things will be all the way you want. Anyways i don’t trust him but i just don’t know how to let go.
I know he is selfish, just thinking about himself. But how do i make him understand, the discussion never ends well.
December 11, 2017 at 9:00 am #181555AnonymousGuestDear urooz:
I think that it is not possible for you to make him understand because, it is my understanding, that his only interest is that you do your part in his plan. He is not interested in understanding what you feel and think.
He is only interested that you do your part in his plan and is using guilt to pressure you.
The fact that he is not interested in your thoughts and feelings means that it makes no sense to marry him if he was single and if you were single. To cooperate with his plan, to marry him as his second wife, in secret makes even less sense, in other words, no sense at all.
Better have no contact with him. Can you do that?
anita
December 11, 2017 at 9:24 am #181561uroozParticipantI want to do that but i can’t.
His plans do not make sense at all. I blame him too. I blame him for showing up after my marriage when i was trying to move on. I fell for him again (which is my fault… i know) but i consider him responsible. But when i blame him, he is enraged.
I want to leave him, i just don’t know how. He made my life miserable and he has the solution for it that is to make me even more miserable.
The reason i came here and asked for your opinion/advice is i can not talk to anyone else about this. I am thankful to you for taking your time and talking about it with me. I feel like i had an opportunity to move on when i got married but its like i lost it for him. I can not be with him and i can not be happy anymore. He is going to marry eventually but why did he have to snatch my happiness? I feel guilty all the time and thinking of ways to make myself happy and forget about him. But everything seems so impossible. I resent him but i don’t wanna spend my life resenting him. I just want to be happy without even thinking about him.
December 11, 2017 at 9:31 am #181563AnonymousGuestDear urooz:
I agree with you: “he has the solution for it that is to make me even more miserable.”
As bad as you think things are now, him pressuring you, and so forth, it can get worse. So your choice now is between feeling as badly as you feel now and feeling worse later, and for a long, long time.
Bad- or worse?
anita
December 11, 2017 at 9:32 am #181565AnonymousGuest* didn’t get submitted correctly…
December 11, 2017 at 9:37 am #181567uroozParticipantThank you for talking to me.
December 11, 2017 at 10:15 am #181575AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, urooz. I hope you can get out of this mess… Post again anytime.
anita
December 11, 2017 at 10:25 am #181585BubbaParticipantHi Urooz,
You will need to get strong for yourself, cut all contact with this guy, lose your cell phone if you can, take a holiday and go somewhere if you can and kill this time – you will eventually be able to move on and who knows he may have another back-up plan too.
in all this, if your husband finds out about him, then you may probably end up in s farworse situatin.
take a strong step, leave him, he is not worth it.
K
December 11, 2017 at 10:29 am #181589BubbaParticipant– he had a relationship with you and did not marry you when you proposed
– he is now marrying another girl with prior planning of cheating on her
– and now he wants to marry you and keep you as a hidden wife
– seriously what kind of husband can this man become?
– do you trust his promises?
– and today, you have a marriage where you have a husband who has openly accepted as you wife – a respectful marriage exchanged for a hidden marriage, does not make sense to me.
– can you guarantee he will not have a third hidden wife or will not divorce you if he falls in love with the first wife?
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