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Dear Helcat,
I’ve been following your thread. I found that trauma therapy was extremely helpful for moving past a similar experience. Would that be a possibility? Thank you for suggesting this, I think I need some therapy in this regard. I will see how this can be achieved.You have learned the reality of the situation and it is terrifying. But it doesn’t mean that there aren’t good people out there. I realized this over the years, and almost everyone I met after this experience has been a comparatively good experience for me. But I never ventured into romantic relationships. I tried to learn about how human beings work especially men. Initially I did not want to meet anyone or talk to anyone, but I did find happiness being with others and talking to them. Infact, I experienced such deep happiness whenever any man was respectful of me even in general conversations.
It’s horrible that he shattered your dreams and it’s understandable to grieve that loss, but in time you may have new dreams. I do have new dreams, but something from this experience is holding me where I am. It does not allow me to move forward.
Whilst this betrayal has hurt you deeply, and made you feel afraid. I have hope that you will learn to protect yourself from people such as him in the future because of this experience. Yes, I am afraid of situations and people. I can’t trust anyone anymore especially men. I see I still have lot of work to do it identify such people and situations and protect myself from it. At the beginning of my interactions with him, I was vigilant and careful but I doubted myself and my intuition and paid a heavy price.
He blamed you for his actions saying that you should have stopped coming. But if you were with someone who was safe, you would never have been harmed. He is 100% responsible for the abuse. He refused to take any blame for whatever happened. Because things in life were going good for him. In such situations, people usually do not have empathy for others. I tried to explain to him why it was wrong, he would either put it back on me or remain silent. Even when I tried my best to stop and start walking away, he would call my phone and say come I’m waiting for you. He would persuade me. Once he apologized by saying sorry and immediately proceeded to touch my underarms because he wanted to feel me.I will however suggest that the reasons why you went are very important. The first time, you didn’t know what would happen. You trusted him, it wasn’t your fault. But and I say this with love and kindness, you were responsible for repeatedly putting yourself in danger. Once you understand the reasons why and overcome them, you will be able to protect yourself in the future. It is very important for you not to blame yourself, only understand the reasons why you repeatedly allowed yourself to be subjected to his abusive behaviour. Thank you for being kind when saying this. I have thought about this a million times in all these years about why I continued to go after the first time. I think it was lust or some kind of unstoppable force so to say. Even today when I think if I could turn the clock back and go to that moment, could I have just walked away? the answer is no. I remember being very aware of how strong those feelings were. It was the first time I was experiencing all these feelings in my body coupled with the situation of him atleast paying me some attention after he rejected me. When my body experienced these physical feelings, it felt so good. But a few minutes after that when I realize that he was using me, I felt dirty. I did hold out hope that he would change his mind about me. I’m also a people pleaser and with people I am close to, they can easily convince or persuade me to do something for them. We did infact stop talking about 3-4 months of this abuse and then after 1 month of very less talking, he came back saying he wanted to be with me. I was happy, but again, it was only to touch me. This cycle only stopped when his family found his wife for him.
From my own experience, even people we trust can betray us. But not everyone will do that. The main thing we can do is look out for “warning signs” of bad behaviour. For example, when he chased you and you weren’t interested. That is a warning sign because he didn’t respect your lack of interest. Proposing when you weren’t ready, was manipulative and has the effect of suggesting that the relationship is closer than it is. His comments about other women and on your weight are also warning signs. Agree with you on all of these. I did not realize any of these until many years after the fact. I infact took his efforts to be his “love”. So many warning signs but I did not realize this is how people can be especially those who do not have integrity.
If someone displays warning signs, take great care not to be alone with them. So true, life is lived backwards.
I would pay very close attention to what your parents say about partners in the future. They suggested that it wouldn’t be a good fit. Did they explain why? Did you ask? Loved ones are often afraid of pushing us away by being critical of partners. The only thing they said at the time was he is very different from us. (with regards to religion and background). But now when I look back, I think they were waiting to see if I truly liked him and was sure about it or was it just a fleeting thing. But before long time could pass, all of the abuse happened. This whole story happened in about 1 year, out of which 7 months were him abusing me. Actually the whole thing was abuse.
Another thing that is important, is building strong boundaries and practicing assertiveness. People like your ex target victims based on how they respond to their boundaries being breached. You didn’t maintain your boundaries when you said that you weren’t interested in dating him. You didn’t maintain your boundaries when you said that you weren’t ready to marry him. To him he would have thought great, I can do whatever I want with this woman. She will say no at first, but then I’ll be able to convince her to do it. I am trying to work on boundaries and assertiveness. I did not even know what boundaries meant and did not realise we have to have boundaries even in such associations. I just thought he would take care of me since he said he would keep me very happy. I then started reading about what boundaries are and how many people try to encroach our boundaries if we don’t stop them. I also realized that he was very good at enforcing his assertiveness and boundaries but did not respect it in others. You are right in saying I did not maintain my boundaries and also realized that I give up whatever boundary I have by a little persuasion from the other person. I tried working on this from the last few years but hear my voice crack or become nervous or start shivering when I try to assert boundaries especially in close relationships (friends, family). I’m not used to having boundaries.
Another danger, is that some people don’t like to be told no. Some may pretend to accept it initially, then retaliate in the future. It really is key to never be alone with people who aren’t worthy of trust. He was one of them who did not like to be told no. And so by hook or crook, they make us agree, does not matter what the aftermath is. Agreed, it’s never a good idea to be alone with those who we cannot trust.
The sad truth is even if you follow my advice, bad things can still happen. But it is my opinion that I can’t live in fear anymore. I would miss out on all the good things in life. All we can do is our best to move on and build a new life for ourselves, do our best to protect ourselves and pray that nothing of the sort happens again. I want to live my life openly too without any fear. To be open to good relationships, people and experiences. I’ve realized that some of these may be negative too and that’s okay, but to stay away from ones that could turn abusive.
I have also realized that my upbringing has had a profound effect on the way I deal with others especially men. My parents have a very traditional relationship which my father being dominant over my mother in most instances. I grew up seeing this. Seeing my mother being forgiving of him even if he did/ said something she did not like. She is also not an assertive person with very less/no boundaries. I grew up thinking that is how I am supposed to be. And in recent years, I started to notice that in my interactions with men. That they were superior in some way to women. All of this is somehow entangled with the situation I went through 10 years back, I might have been my mother and he my father. And like you said, men can easily detect these things in women and behave accordingly or take advantage.
Regards,Shve
Dear Shve:
You are welcome. “Truth be told, I did not even realize I was being abused when it was happening” – you were not aware that you were abused; it was impossible for you to form the intent to prevent or fight abuse that you were not aware of.
“Just that something bad was happening, the body and mind feels it, but I just kept going because I am a people pleaser” – I know all too well the feeling of something bad is happening to me, and yet being unable to stop it from continuing to happen. I didn’t think that I was … qualified to determine if something bad was happening to me. I looked up to other people/ almost anyone and everyone, to know better than me, what is really happening and whether it is right or wrong.
“But then I also thought his wife is also a woman just like me… one with dreams about her life and marriage. I know how it feels to have dreams shattered. I could not think of doing that to another woman, though a very tempting opportunity to me at that time” – you are a good, empathetic person. I listed this possibility not because I thought you should tell his wife, but because it is a possibility, and I listed all the possibilities that came to my mind (possibilities that plenty of people do pursue).
“Gossiping about him might backfire and make me look bad in front of others since the mindset of people here is also ‘why did she get involved with him, this is what happens to such women‘” – I thought this too, while typing this possibility, that gossiping would backfire on you. Again, I listed all possibilities that came to my mind.
“I try to do this and support and empathize with women who have undergone such experiences. I also try to share with women about such experiences so that they don’t have to suffer” – again, you are a good person, a good woman, my hat is off to you!
“I have thought about this a million times in all these years about why I continued to go after the first time. I think it was lust or some kind of unstoppable force so to say. Even today when I think if I could turn the clock back and go to that moment, could I have just walked away? the answer is no. I remember being very aware of how strong those feelings were. It was the first time I was experiencing all these feelings in my body… it felt so good” –
– I thought about the issue of responsibility yesterday, right after posting to you. This is what I think: because you were in your later twenties when the abuse happened, the law would hold you legally responsible for returning to him every time you did. And much of society would hold you responsible as well. But in actuality, at the time this was happening, you were not able, mentally and emotionally, to choose otherwise, therefore, you were not actually, or practically responsible.
Like you said, it was an unstoppable force that drew you to him, an unstoppable force consisting of (1) awakened sexual instinctual drives, and (2) emotional dependence on his interest in you, you needed him to keep wanting you.
“I did not even know what boundaries meant and did not realise we have to have boundaries even in such associations. I just thought he would take care of me since he said he would keep me very happy” – I read this sentence after I typed the second paragraph in this post (“I looked up to other people/ almost anyone and everyone, to know better than me, what is… right or wrong”). You too looked up to him to do what was right for you.
“I tried working on this from the last few years but hear my voice crack or become nervous or start shivering when I try to assert boundaries especially in close relationships (friends, family). I’m not used to having boundaries… My parents have a very traditional relationship which my father being dominant over my mother in most instances… And in recent years, I started to notice that in my interactions with men. That they were superior in some way to women” –
– remember I asked in one of my earlier posts, why don’t traditional parents warn their daughters and prepare them to face the common practice of sexual subjugation of women by men? I think that the answer is that conservative fathers want to conserve male dominance and superiority inside their home, therefore, they discourage their daughters to assert boundaries inside the home.
The consequence of discouraging daughters from asserting boundaries in the home is that we don’t assert boundaries outside the home either. I am sure that most fathers, if not all, don’t want their daughters to be taken advantage of by men… but it’s either something they prefer to not think about, or it is a price they are willing to pay, so to conserve male dominance.
“Recently it has been troubling me a lot that it gives me sleepless nights and I tend to oversleep the next morning. I get thoughts of the injustice I faced, the shame I faced and being helpless and not doing anything about it” – you are just one person, one woman having faced a very common unjust practice that is supported by millions of people, particularly men, no wonder you were helpless to stop it.
anita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .
Dear Shve:
You are welcome!
“I did not realise I was abused. I knew something was wrong but could not put a finger to it… Sometimes I don’t even know how to express what I think is wrong… I thought he cannot do wrong to me because I trusted him… I was… taught (by parents) … to be docile and subservient” –
– When my mother hit me, screaming at me, humiliating me with terrible, piercing words, she also praised me, saying: the only thing I like about you is that (when I am beating/ screaming at you), you look down to the floor and say nothing, unlike children of other parents who talk back.
When she said that, she didn’t specifically teach me to be docile and subservient to abusive men. She taught me to be submissive to abuse. Fast forward, I knew only one way to react to abuse: submission.
When she hit me, etc., I instinctively felt angry and very, very disturbed, I knew something was very wrong, but I wasn’t thinking: she is doing me wrong, this is abuse! I was not thinking much of anything; I was frozen in fear. After each attack, I started thinking, overthinking, tormented with anger at her on one hand, and guilt, on the other hand, lots of guilt for (believing that I was) deserving whatever it was that she was doing to me.
Fast forward, while in a situation such as what you described with that man, I felt disturbed (and soon afterwards, I felt very angry), but while it was happening, I wasn’t thinking.
“I wish I was taught how to assert myself when needed. It’s a skill that everyone needs to learn” – Yes, it is a skill that everyone needs, but prior to asserting oneself against abuse, one has to be able to detect abuse, to think with certainty: this is wrong, this is abuse!
“My father would be heartbroken to know this” – your father (and your mother) taught you to submit to abuse, “to be docile and subservient even if others do whatever they want“. So… your father is a third party to what happened even though he wasn’t physically there. He led you there, so he is not an innocent party to what happened. If he knew, and felt heartbroken about it, it would be a consequence of what he did (and what he failed to do).
I am not suggesting that you tell him or that you should try to cause your father pain; what I am suggesting is that your situation is not that of a guilty daughter vs an innocent father.
“I look to someone else to take decisions or do the right thing for me as opposed to me taking charge of my life. Do you have tips to overcome this?” – yes, take every opportunity you get in your daily life, however small the opportunity, to take charge and do things in ways that you feel are right for you. I remember one of the smallest opportunities I took advantage of: I was folding towels a certain way, trying to do it the way I was taught, or the way I thought I was supposed to fold them… I then stopped and thought to myself: wait, I prefer to fold these towels this particular way (my way, the way that felt right/ logical to me!), so I folded them in a new way, my way, and it felt liberating!
anita
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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