Can't give him up completely

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  • #48083
    Sanchez Porto

    I am a middle aged married woman, with grown children. My husband and I get along fine and pretend to make love once a week or so (I do it for his sake and because I feel it is my wifely duty.) I recently met up again with the man I loved more than anyone in the world. We hadnt seen each other for 26 years. I would have married him all those years ago, but he wasn’t interested in that kind of life, and always enjoyed the company of lots of women. I knew that, eyes wide open. Still I knew he loved me in his way. Fast forward and we are having a full blown affair. He is 15 years older than I am and has never married or been very serious with anyone for more than a couple of years. (No surprise). But he seemed to really fall in love with me this time and I fell absolutely hopelessly in love with him! I am cheating on my husband, which I had never done before. I want to stay with my husband for our children’s sake, because they would be devastated if we broke up now. So he doesn’t know anything about my affair, or he would certainly leave me. So my problem is, I need to stop being hopelessly in love with my friend, but I cannot accept giving up my friend altogether. I recognize that I am truly addicted to love and probably love being in love more than I love him. But I feel so tenderly towards him, and he towards me, I need to find a way to be friends and to stop jeopardizing my marriage, but not give him up entirely. It is simply not an option. He recently made my task easier by cheating on me with a one night stand. I am terribly hurt and he feels terrible. But still I love him madly. I need help to stop being addicted to love, to stop loving him so much, but “permission” to stay just friends with him. He really is a good human being (I probably made him sound awful) and helped me so much in my life, and taught me so much, that my life would be terribly empty without him. He shaped my entire life and I can’t let completely go. Am I doomed?


    Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I met someone 10 years ago when my children were small and against my better judgement and despite fighting the emotion down I fell for him big time. He and I became best friends and have also shaped each others lives and supported each other through difficult times. Eighteen months ago something happened to force us apart but neither of us were prepared to accept giving up altogether even though we knew it was the right thing to do. Now this week, he has finally pushed to make a break and even though we have lines of communication still available I think for the first time we are both prepared separate. We were both in love with the idea of being in love but we also did (and still do) love each other. I still hold (a little too tightly maybe) onto the idea that we will be together at some point but realistically there is no guarantee that this will happen. At the moment if it doesn’t I feel I will always regret it.
    I think you are going to find it hard to make the break in the way you say unless he is also prepared to follow it through. This is why ours has continued as long as it did. Having said that if we had tried to break early on maybe there would have been more resolve to stick with it. I don’t know. I should regret this relationship as it goes against all the ideals I believe in and yet I don’t and it has made me into the person I am today. At the moment I am trying to look back and be grateful for what it has given me rather than looking forward and wondering how I will manage without it. I know that people will judge this situation and many will be enraged (as I would have myself). Unfortunately I feel I fell in love with the right person at the wrong time. However I also know that for 10 years we have lived in the “passion” stage of our relationship without having to deal with the realities of paying bills and smelly socks. But there is also a part of me that will regret it if I do not get to experience this part of life with him too.
    I sympathise with your dilemma. Mine has shaken me to the core and made me re-evaluate all the beliefs I held dear.


    I wonder what being addicted to love really means. I invite you to examine what love really means. Try using other words or phrases when you say that you love him. What are the conditions for this love? What do you value about him? The fact he is willing to be a co-conspirator in this affair, what does that say about his values? You already know that he was not the right man to marry since he enjoys the company of lots/other women. Did that change?

    I also invite you to apply that to yourself first. Can you love yourself the same way? Doesn’t really start with ourselves?

    I am curious about your assertion that you love about being in love. So it is not loving him so much but the fact you can love? Can feel love? Use another word besides love. Can feel infatuation? Can feel that sense of liking someone’s charm? I like what Annette says about how easy to be in the passion stage if you don’t have to deal with the day-to-day “loving” with smelly socks and all.


    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Mark.
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