Hey.

Im writing here because … well, i was searching around on Google and this seemed like the right place to ask about complicated stuff, that involves the mind.

If i bother anyone, im sorry.

So my story is a little long, because so much time passed by between today and when all stuff began. Must be something around 7 Years.

So back in 7th Grade i met this girl i really admired. Smart, beautiful and with a lot of friends, ppl she knew from granduary School. And, 7th Grade me wanted to be like her. Lets call her Cleo. I really tried making friends with her, but well – she already had alot of them so we were part of the same group at best, and as time passed by i made a best friend – lets give her the name Leonie and didnt had much in common with Cleo. A Year passed, maybe two, and i started to feel really bad. Had nothing to do with Cleo but I was feeling depressed and down and eventually I had a really bad fight with Leonie, jumping up and telling her to just go die, then I quickly left the room.
To my big surprise it was Cleo that came after me, calmly telling me that she wanted noone to die and just giving me someone to talk. And during the next few weeks when I was ignoring Leonie, me and Cleo became really good freinds.
Cleo always had a thing for those close friendships where at some point outsiders start to woundering if it was a friendship or a relationship, and I became that friend that she was holding hands with and stuff. I stayed that friend when I talked to Leonie again too, from that point on I had two best friends and somehow I started to feel less depressed.
2 more years passed and Cleo and me got really close. she called me soulmate or the girl she would marry if she’s done with guys. And I started to feel horrible.
I had no reason for it, but I felt like I should prove to myself I was really hetero. So in summerholiday I went out with the first guy that showed any interest in me. Worst decision of my life, that guy was 21 and had a serious problem with LSD, and the whole thing ended hurting everybody involved, especially me, 3 months later – but I went out with him, kissed him on the first date and, big surprise, felt absolutely nothing but the fact he’s been smoking before the kiss. But the fact I didn’t felt anything destroyed me.

When I talked it all over with a good friend in mine, I eventually had to admit that Cleo was the reason behind it. I had to admit that I really had a crush on her, and, knowing she had absolutely no interest in girls, wanted to prove to myself I could just take anybody. That friend of mine told me to tell her and i really wanted – I couldn’t really go on with our friendship like before, and I had a glimpse of hope she could still be interested in me.
However when we met after holidays again she bursted out with the fact that she had a boyfriend now. Hell I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling. She wanted me to be happy for her so I pretended to be, telling myself this was clearer then any answer she could’ve given me anyways.

To my horror, that changed nothing in our friendship. So to get over her I tried with shock therapy – my version of it:
I started gaming with her new bf.

Now alot if things happened at the same time and I’ll try to get the order right. I met the best friend of her new boyfriend, a friendly cute guy I weeks later started a relationship with. And Cleo stopped having time for anything but school and her bf. It was like she completely wiped me out of her calendar. We had been dancing before? Now she did it with her bf. We wanted to see the new movie? She’d already watched it with him.
So I did the same. Concentrated on this cute little relationship I had, made it grow, started to really love this guy and to really get over Cleo. Again 2 years passed. Cleo grew distant to everybody, all of her former “friends” dropped her and she didn’t care.
When I tried to contact her she had no time so I stopped trying.
And that fact made me feel angry the first time. I knew their relationship wasn’t going well. I also knew it was mainly her fault for being overly attached and jealously. I knew all that because her bf and my bf still we’re best friends and they were talking. They had contact so she should have time to have contact with me.
She hadn’t.
When we finished school our contact completely dropped down to happy birthday and their relationship issues I heard from. Finally her bf and her broke up.
I tried to build our friendship back up. I wrote her, was there for her, took her to parties. After a few weeks I realized I had started 100 percent of our conversations. I didn’t wanted to be the only one still interested in this friendship but I was sure she’d write me, I was just up earlier then her. So I stopped writing, expecting her to start a conversation or wish me a good morning.
The next message I received from her was 6 months later. It was a happy birthday.

And there the problem started. I was so horribly angry at her for not contacting me that I talked about it every time I met people that knew her.
Soon everybody I met back then knew how angry I was at her and at the one-sided friendship we had. My bf was pretty annoyed by this topic too.

I felt like I was the one that, after all that shit I felt because of her, should rebuild my friendship. Instead I found photos of her in her Facebook page showing her happily with her old friends. The guys who just dumped her when she had a relationship.
I stalked her Facebook and every photo made me angrier and angrier, but couldn’t stop looking. Some days this anger was the only thing I could think or talk about. But exactly nothing happened and I calmed down again. The slightest trigger made me rage but there were no triggers. I even went out with her ex an my bf and managed to have other topics. However I called her an “annoying egomaniac” in front of her ex. They are back together so I’m sure she knows I said this.

However the anger is back and as present as never since I started University. The reason is simple.
First, Cleo started to study there too. I met a former classmate of mine and he told me. I didn’t even ask, he was like ‘hey youre the second person I meet today’. Now it’s like a ticking bomb. She could just stand there in my face anytime, bring everything back up.

Second, when I thought I couldn’t get worse, I met her older sister – the two look alike – at University too. And I’m having classes with her.

Since then I can’t think about anything else but all this shit and my anger mainly at being dropped by somebody who once pretended to be my soulmate. I deleted her number, her name, her chats, her Facebook but this won’t help with her sister standing in front of my face 2 times a week and Cleo randomly popping up in the cafeteria. I can’t switch classes either.

I can’t concentrate. I wouldn’t write this for hours now If I could. I should sleep but I can’t.
I don’t even know what makes me this angry. I have a healthy relationship for 3 years now. I have a job and go to university and I have better things to worry then that shit that mainly happened in middle School.
I’m over my crush. I’m over this friendship. But for some reason I can’t let go of the way I was dropped.

Has anybody ever been in a similar situation or has any other advice?

Sorry for the wall of text … Greetings from Germany,

Tina