Hi,

I’m sorry for how long this is…

I was in a very on and off relationship with my boyfriend for three years. We’ve probably broken up more than ten times over that period. When we first got together he had just been divorced about five months prior (it was a ten year marriage) and was very unstable, which explains many of our initial breakups. Each time he was the one who broke up with me, and each time we got back together he was the one who came back to me and wanted to get back together. He apologized each time. The worst breakup occurred in January 2017 at my joint birthday party with one of my sisters. My other sister pulled him aside during the party and she told him that she wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to hurt me again and that she doesn’t like how he’s treated me in the past. He broke up with me immediately after, during the party. After that we had a short period together a few months later, which also ended because he felt I couldn’t forgive him and it was too stressful for him. Then in August of last year (2017) he returned and he apologized again and said that he understands that he wasn’t patient enough in the past and that he wants to work on things. Things were good for a few months, but I was still overwhelmed by anxiety about our relationship and wanted to talk through our past a lot, which at first he was fine with but then seemed frustrated by. He felt that I wasn’t being forgiving enough of him, and I think I started to become more anxious and upset with him for not understanding how hard it was for me and not being more patient, and because I felt that I needed to rush to feel better. At the same time I was dealing with family issues, as my mom is suffering from a neurological condition that continues to get worse and for which there isn’t a cure. The stress of these family issues and other family dynamics, as well as the anxiety about the relationship made me very stressed and depressed. I cried a lot and was having a hard time feeling at peace, and I was constantly worried he was going to leave. He was trying to be patient and reassure me but also seemed annoyed that I wasn’t more relaxed and still couldn’t forgive him completely. At this point he had moved in to my apartment and while at first tit was nice living together, this stress from my family and the relationship seemed to be pushing him away. We had multiple conversations about it and I started going to therapy and taking anti-depressants, but I was still very anxious and sad and felt I needed more time to forgive and more reassurance from him, which at this point he was sort of tired of giving to me.

Then last month I had run a 10 mile race and he was supposed to be cheering me on from the sidelines, but when I passed by the spot he was supposed to be at he wasn’t there. He said he was cheering me on from the window inside of a building and I just hadn’t seen him but it was very dispiriting for me because of how much his support meant. He met me at the end of the race but I was just very sad not to have seen him cheering me on, maybe I was too emotional but it was an important goal for me. I ultimately apologized for being sad and said that I understood that he was there and supported me in the ways he could.

The next night we went to dinner and during dinner I mentioned that I still would appreciate him teaching me how to drive (we has discussed this before but it hadn’t happened). I think I was very emotional because of what happened at the race a few days before, so I also said that I felt that he didn’t necessarily prioritize my interests as much as his own (he is a musician and I’ve been to all of his shows and even hosted a concert for him at our apartment). He got really upset and said I was resentful and that he doesn’t know if he can be with someone like me. For the next week after this argument at dinner he was sort of chilly towards me. I kept asking for forgiveness but he didn’t seem to be forgiving me or open to me. Finally, he said that he was sorry for being distant and that he was ready to be open. But the next day, I mentioned to him that I would like to be intimate with each other because we hadn’t been in a while and he got upset and said I created too much pressure around physical intimacy and that he doesn’t want to deal with that. Then he said that he wasn’t happy being in the city we live in, he wasn’t happy with our apartment, and he wasn’t happy with his job or with our relationship. He said he wants to move back to his hometown, which is about 1.5 hours away. I tried to reason with him and ask for time to work through this together, but within an hour he said that his dad had found a place that he could check out to move into in his hometown.

I kept trying to ask him for time to work through this, he would sort of agree, but then say he definitely wants to leave. Then a few days later his dad ended up in the hospital with some heart issues. The day he heard about this he said to me that he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me. Then the next day he went to his hometown to see his family in the hospital. I also went there to meet him that night. The next day he told me that he’s definitely moving to his hometown and is going to look for a job there immediately. I was shocked and sad, and tried to talk to him about it, but he said I was being too difficult wanting to talk about our relationship while his dad was in the hospital. He kept saying I should leave if I couldn’t pull myself together. I tried to stay together but was also sad. I tried to talk to him about his plans to move while he and I were alone, but he didn’t really want to discuss it although he did say we could still stay together long distance. Then when I was leaving to go back to our city, he dropped me off at the train and on the way there I asked him for reassurance about our relationship and he said that I had been too difficult and that he doesn’t think we should be together. He said he would take a few days to think about it, but he wasn’t happy with me.

When he came back to our city he then said that he loved me and was sorry for how he acted while his dad was in the hospital. I said I understood and forgave him. He said he was still going to move, but that he definitely loved me and wanted to be with my long distance, although we hadn’t made any plans to be together in the future. Things were good for a few weeks. I was off of work one day and was using his laptop. I opened up Gmail and his email was open. I immediately saw a message between him and his sister that was talking about me. It said that she felt that I was too needy and difficult and my boyfriend wrote that things were difficult and that he never wants to live with me ever again. He also said that “breaking up is a process” and can’t happen all at once–while he was going to try to make things work long distance he wasn’t confident in it but also couldn’t end things immediately. While I’m not generally a snooper I then looked at his older messages and he had been planning to move out long before he had mentioned it to me–he had emailed multiple friends about it and asked them to keep it a secret from me. His parents and sister had also told him to keep it a secret from me since he and I were living together and they didn’t want it to be “uncomfortable” for him.

I didn’t immediately tell him what I read but I texted him saying I was worried about our relationship and his commitment. He texted back saying that this was too much for him and that we shouldn’t be together. He said he would pack his bags and go stay with his parents in his hometown until his move to his new house (which his parents had already bought for him). I asked to talk about it but he refused. When he got back that day from work I tried to talk with him but he just kept packing. I then told him about the emails I had read and how I knew he had been lying to me for more than a month. He continued to deny that he was lying, but then half apologized and said that I’m an unhappy person and that he doesn’t want to be with me. He left and we’ve had very limited communication since then only about him moving the rest of his belongings.

I haven’t been able to stop beating myself up about this. I feel like I wasn’t happy or forgiving enough in the last leg of our relationship although I was trying to move towards that. I felt like it was taking me too long. I know that our history of breakups had really taken a toll on me emotionally and had built a lot of fear and pain in my heart. But I feel like I should’ve been better at letting go. And I worry I was too needy.

I’ve also been trying to stay off of social media, but before I quit it I saw that there was a girl that was “liking” all of his pictures on instagram and that he also posted something about going through a lot of change and being ready to find love again. It made me really sad and also made me feel completely forgotten and replaced.

How can I forgive myself? Is this my fault? How can I get past the pain and also the fear and anxiety of being replaced? Because it was so on and off and he always came back I think I’m having a hard time believing it’s over. How can I get to a place of acceptance and WANTING it to be over? I feel lost and like I’ve lost so much of myself in these three years.