Hi Lisa,
I’m sorry for your hurt, but firstly I must say that anger and tears are all natural processes of grief and it has nothing to do with being better person or not.
Grief is an opportunity to grow and we must accept it all forms. The intensity will happen because you keep trying to brush it away and BE STRONG! .
it is better to accept and let it flow.
You have a family so it is best to hold it together when around your children and then release it all out everyday giving yourself 30-1 hour a day alone to rant, beat up your bed, sob until snot pours out of your nose and let go..and then get back control and get on with your day.
You will then start to heal. We cannot get to peace and acceptance without walking the rocky road of grief – there is no bypass. It is your lesson to learn that you don’t have to be perfect or be strong and not have feelings. Learn to be real.
You are not in control of life or other people and this is the feeling which is probably causing you the most pain.
I would make a guess that you are usually a good girl – in control, organised and in charge and so learning to let go is your life lesson.
Please head over to my site as I work with women and you may find what I have to say really hits the nail on the head for you? http://www.rediscoverthemagic.com
Jox

Jo Warwick ~ MBACP – Accred
Therapist

Lisa,

I am coming out of a 13 year relationship and divorce myself. We were only married for two years when things spiraled out of control. There is no explanation for it really. I still can’t make sense of it. It’s a combination of things. I begged for counseling and my husband just wouldn’t make the time for it. Sometimes people are just afraid of facing their own issues and the best thing we can do is let them go. I loved my husband the day I divorced him and still do in a sense. I hope he is happy and finds what he needs in order to be so. Too often we become these other people because we sink in the hurt and identify with the “it’s not fair” story or the “I’m not good enough” story. All of that is not true. You do need to work through the feelings as they arise and acknowledge everything you feel but beware of attaching any story lines or beliefs about yourself to those feelings. First thing I did was be sure I was filling my days with things that made me happy in some way. Exercise, meditation, going out with friends (not drinking), etc… Having little things that support you and give you respite is important. Second give up this power play. Is it his or yours? By giving into the back and forth you give it life and meaning. It’s not worth it. Just do what you need to in order to get out healthy. Work on you and where your beliefs and stories about yourself originate. You may find a lot of it has nothing to do with him and he is just a trigger, perhaps.

Your path is becoming different, it’s not damaged, nor are you. Things are changing, dramatically. Try to see everything through the lens of love and compassion. This is sooooo hard to do I know and I struggle with my own advice daily but I can tell you it works. And you don’t become a doormat or weak because you do so. It gives you immense strength to carve out your new way of being. People only do as best as they can with the tools and knowledge that they have at the time. Karma and other things come into play with a person’s growth and perhaps his just hasn’t blossomed yet. It has nothing to do with you other than you have shared a time in this world and have to move on for the better of you both.

I can’t speak about the intricacies of having children but I can speak of being a child of divorce. My parents lived miserably together for years and didn’t divorce until I was in my 20’s. They tried to hide and make things easy, then they just got nasty. Children no matter how young deserve the truth, they will go through this in different times of their life redefining it and you just need to be there for them giving them the answers they need. Teaching them now how to move through change and pain will be a great lesson for them on their level that they are at. Treat them with love and compassion and they will feel safe. For me it was always about my safety growing up and what this meant to me. I still go through some hurtful emotions and it’s been two years. Don’t expect to “get over” anything. It just becomes a part of you. I am sure when I find my next relationship things will come up too that I will have to muddle through but I am better for it now by taking all of those steps above. I can see the connection and origination within myself and work on it.

I read a lot of Buddhism to help me through it too. Unfettered mind is a podcast that really helped me too. Connect with the direction and life that you want to lead and do one thing everyday to reinforce that. It’s a accumulative effect and you will start to feel better and more in control. When you find yourself acting out of control ask yourself “is this who I want to be?” If the answer is no, take a step back, breath through it and take a different course. Don’t ignore anything you feel embrace it all. It’s a part of you now and you can use it to gain strength.

Hope any of this helps. Surround yourself with your support group. I had a friend that I reserved for late night phone calls who kept me sane. We all need that.