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Can't move on and Leg go

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This topic contains 25 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #313177

    Luke
    Participant

    So on paper the breakup should have been simple. As far a simple goes anyway. My Ex Came out to me as a lesbian 5 months ago. I have been a wreck ever since. I can manage work and put on a face. I have been taking antidepressants for about 6 weeks now and have been in Therapy since it happened. Its also been going on whilst my parents have also separated. She waited a whole month since my parents issues stared before she broke up with me.

    Everything happened so fast, she moved out the morning after we broke up and from there she stayed with friends and then found a room with friends of friends. We were married for 5 years and together fro around 8. We moved from England to Toronto together. We were finally getting somewhere in our careers and then she lands this huge bomb on me and I have to just ‘deal with it’.

    We met up for a talk a couple of times in the 5 month period. But I was very cordial and kind and wanting to not lose any more love than I already have. But right now I feel stuck. She had the benefit of being her ‘true self’ now and I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered everything. I just find it so incredible that it’s all over. All that love,time and experience and all the same interests and personality stuff and now its just gone and I’m supposed to just accept it and that’s it. Whats the point if it can just end like that?

    #313193

    Grenada
    Participant

    I’m sorry to hear that your heart is broken over this. It’s never a bad thing for someone to finally step into their true selves, but it doesn’t take away the fact that it left you with a broken heart. I’m sure it was hard for both of you. Her for living with the confusion so long, and allowing fear to hold her back & not allow her to come to terms with her identity. And you for having loved someone & then they leave. Though she has now moved on, that doesn’t make what you both experienced and the love you had invalid.

    It takes about half the time people were together to get over a relationship so, if you were together for 5 years it would take about 2 to get over it. Just know that. So don’t beat yourself up for how long it’s taking to get over it. Allow yourself to grieve.

    I also don’t want you to internalize the reason she left and Blame yourself for it. That was her own internal confusion, battle & choice. There’s no excuse for it. But unfortunately we live in a society where many people are having to suppress their true identities for their safety, or in order to get jobs, or stay connected with their family . When people come out they sacrifice a lot so many just don’t do it at all and sometimes it leads to things like this happening. I’m not giving her a pass, but I just don’t want you to beat yourself up or blame yourself.

    Allow yourself to grieve and little by little start implementing stuff in your schedule to explore yourself now. Things you like to do. What brings you joy etc. start making new friends & dating other people, or start a project you always wanted to do.

    also this thing about letting go, I’m seeing a lot of people mention this idea of “we don’t have to let go in order to move on.” You both had meaningful experiences that has shaped both of you, and that stays with you as you move forward.

     

    just gotta work towards some acceptance for the situation . You’ll be all right .

    #313287

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    In addition to Grenada’s excellent input to you, I suggest you use your thread here so to express your thoughts and feelings as part of your attempt to “move on and Let go”-

    – part of moving on is accepting what happened, relaxing into the reality of what happened.

    What happened to you- your wife coming out as a lesbian and breaking up with you is not the kind of reality that you can change. You can’t change her sexual orientation, even though she declared it later in life, after getting married with you, after being married for five years, after moving across the world and so forth.

    There is nothing you can do about it. So you have to accept it, with some calm. Sort of, surrender to the reality which you cannot change, no longer fighting against it inside yourself.

    Do you think you can do  that and did therapy help you in any way, so far?

    anita

    #313379

    Luke
    Participant

    Thank you both for your input.

    I feel like the struggle is to know how to move forward now. I feel static like i’m going to make a misstep or go too far in the wrong direction. I now have no-one to include in that decision. Every decision or direction we took, we took together. I did in faith that she would always be with me.

    When we met up the last time for a drink and a talk. It was evident that she was focusing on her photography business and dating people and sleeping with women after only two months. It makes me feel like it couldn’t have been that important to her, but I’m still losing one of the most crucial parts of my life. If she could keep something like that so well hidden and abandon me while dealing with my parents splitting as well, did I even know her?

    I can’t even imagine dating or sleeping with someone new. Doesn’t even seem like its going to be possible. Feel pretty trashed and like she’s probably glad she can fix her mistake of being with me. She always had plenty to say about my flaws so now she’s probably laughing at me right now.

    #313389

    Grenada
    Participant

    Hi Luke,

     

    thats hard. It never feels good to feel trashed , locked apart or being left during hard times .

    Ive been there before… when you love someone and your life becomes entangled with them. But they are like somewhere else the whole time.. sometimes when we are in love we only see the positive. We don’t see everything else. Sometimes we only see and hear what we want to and hold on to that, and ignore everything else..

    Im sorry you are going through this. I know it feels like having a ton of shit on your back and you feel lonely and sometimes like you can’t go on because the one thing you loves and attached to has like left you in the dark (well it feels that way).

    But this too shall pass. Life goes on. You can rebuild and you don’t need her to do it. You can find someone who appreciates you and someone who’s not afraid to be authentic so that when you build with them, you’re building on a stable foundation.

    I know it’s challenging to move forward , especially because of all the memories you share with this person. Especially taking a leap to move etc. all those points are valid & again, those moments were very real. That doesn’t go away just because she left .

    I read somewhere that relationships don’t end. They complete. Relationships are important, we are communal beings. Relationships teach us things and are relevant for specific time periods in our life. Some are life long others are for a moment. The ones for a moment are what we’d call “purposeful relationships.” These relationships end or “complete” when the purpose is fulfilled. Thank it for the lessons it’s right you. I know that’s hard to do now. But over time as you start to rise up , you’ll start figuring out that purpose. As you start to learn how to rebuild yourself you’ll start to learn about certain wounds that- maybe you put bandaids on before but now you’re having to face and heal to have the life and relationships you want.

    What you both shared was meaningful that doesn’t go away. But like you said , if she can just “throw it all away,” something was being built on a false premise… something was missing , or something was happening on the side that maybe you both turned a blind eye to and.. she’s not who you truly thought she was. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to be upset about that , again, that was her own confusion.

    All you can do is, take accountability for your end. Work on growth , and acceptance . And be peaceful in the fact that, at the end of the day, you’ll be in a way better place to build what you truly desire than ever before.

    in the meantime , find family or close friends to lean on. Ask for support , love & help. I know reaching out is scary. But do it. It’s worth while. Shouldn’t have to go through this alone .

    #313391

    Grenada
    Participant

    Not locked apart , picked apart *

     

    excuse typos . Typing on my phone

    #313455

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    You wrote: “She always had plenty to say about my flaws”- always, you wrote. That means before she came out as a lesbian. So the relationship was not perfect and then she came out as a lesbian.

    A relationship cannot be healthy and loving when one of the two people in the relationship always or often points to the other his or her flaws. When this is done, the person who is repeatedly criticized feels under attack, disapproved, hurt.

    Is that how you felt when married to her: under attack, disapproved of, hurt and angry?

    anita

    #313493

    Luke
    Participant

    Thank you both again.

    I know i’m idealising everything right now as it was so important to me.

    No relationship is perfect but it was as close to perfect as I had known so far. But I don’t know yet how much of that was making concessions to keep the piece. Both of our experiences of our parent’s marriages were of fighting and screaming matches, so we did a lot to avoid that in our relationship.

    We were also different types of people (I know opposites attract to some degree). She was always very confident with people and was quite promiscuous and had some drinking issues as well which came up. She would challenge me to be more confident which is what I’ve needed for a long time. But she would also go a bit too far in chastising me for being negative about a situation ahead of time, or my not being confident enough to sing or dance like she would. (despite me saying that a lot of my childhood had had given me that issue) I don’t know it doesn’t seem like a big deal now in the grand scheme of things but when you want your person to understand and they don’t its frustrating sometimes.

    I don’t know If I felt disapproved of or hurt, but maybe more just misunderstood. She would have a lack of confidence sometimes about her photography business but I don’t know how much of that was phishing for compliments sometimes.  I would support her and not give a judgement.

    #313495

    Aiko
    Participant

    I dated someone very similar .

    judgmental , ungrateful, had problems with addiction & alcoholism In past  . Would leave me when I really needed her, but only around when she needed or wanted something.

    she was a complete narcissist. I was still in love with her after I figured it out. Giving her benefit of doubt.

    But her leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    #313559

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    “Both of our experiences of our parents’ marriages were of fighting and screaming matches, so we did a lot to avoid that in our relationship”- and if you succeeded then you improved on your parents’ marriages, good job by both of you.

    On the other hand when she chastised you and criticized you for “not being confident enough to sing or dance like she would”- she did a bad job. You don’t encourage a person to sing and dance by criticizing them- you accept them just the way they sing and dance!

    You wrote earlier that you had a meeting with her two months after the breakup and she was “dating people and sleeping with women after only two months”. In your recent post you wrote about her before the marriage to you: “She was always very confident with people and was quite promiscuous”-

    – well, she was promiscuous before the marriage and after the marriage- old behaviors tend to continue.

    anita

    #313775

    Luke
    Participant

    I think thats a big part of what’s grating on me at the moment. She’s now able to go back to ‘normal’, be herself and be with other random people she’s hooking up with. But they haven’t done the work I had to.

    I still have this need for her and she’s quite easily left and started a new life like it was nothing. And I feel like I have a lot more to do to get to a ‘normal’ stage. Feel inadequate in comparison, I still feel like I have a duty to the relationship or something stupid and she’s off having all the fun and being happy that she didn’t have with me.

    #313831

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    You wrote that she is “now able to go back to ‘normal’.. hooking up with (others) and that you “have a lot more to do to get to a ‘normal’ stage”- if her normal is hooking up with others, what is your normal?

    I am asking because clearly you are suffering as a result of this breakup and you “Can’t move  on and Let go”- I would like to understand: if you do move on and let go, what is it that you will be moving on to, or what is that normal that you will be resuming.

    anita

     

    #313845

    Luke
    Participant

    I’m scared I’m regressing back to what it was before. When we met 8 years ago it felt like I had finally been found what I was missing. It was different obviously in early 20s to now, but feel like a lot of me was just our relationship and she was always just herself and changed and made little concessions but was still herself.

    I’d never felt right or ‘seen’ growing up. Even though I have a fairly good job and have family and friends (although my parent marriage has now also imploded) I don’t feel normal or enough. The one person who actually saw me and liked me enough to want to spend her life with me is gone now.

    #313853

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    “The one person who actually saw me and liked me enough to want to spend her life with me is gone now”-

    -she saw only a bit of you and she liked what she saw. So she married you. If she saw all of you, she would have had a whole lot to like, and she would have stayed with you.

    It is not that you are lacking, it is that.. most of us people are mostly invisible. People see what we wear, how we look, what food is our favorite, and so forth, but so much of us people don’t see. Or they make incorrect assumptions of what and who we are.

    All you need is one other person to see you, but this time, see way more of you, who you are inside-out, your heart, your love, your good intentions. And when a woman is fortunate enough to see so much more of you, she will stay with you lifetime.

    anita

     

     

    #313927

    Anonymous

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Hi, i was moved by your post and can sense how difficult it is for you.

    I can relate to a lot of what you describe and it is really really bloody hard. I gmhave had a relationship breakdown and its been 4 months and i feel like my world has been flipped upside down and everything feels wrong and strange and broken…everything i do is wrong. Its not easy to move on, heck its hard to just breathe and not feel overwhelmed all the time.

    Iam sorry i dont have much helpful advice i just wanted to say that i hear you and am here to listen if you need.

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