Dear Luke:

In addition to Grenada’s excellent input to you, I suggest you use your thread here so to express your thoughts and feelings as part of your attempt to “move on and Let go”-

– part of moving on is accepting what happened, relaxing into the reality of what happened.

What happened to you- your wife coming out as a lesbian and breaking up with you is not the kind of reality that you can change. You can’t change her sexual orientation, even though she declared it later in life, after getting married with you, after being married for five years, after moving across the world and so forth.

There is nothing you can do about it. So you have to accept it, with some calm. Sort of, surrender to the reality which you cannot change, no longer fighting against it inside yourself.

Do you think you can do  that and did therapy help you in any way, so far?

anita

Hi Luke,

thats hard. It never feels good to feel trashed , locked apart or being left during hard times .

Ive been there before… when you love someone and your life becomes entangled with them. But they are like somewhere else the whole time.. sometimes when we are in love we only see the positive. We don’t see everything else. Sometimes we only see and hear what we want to and hold on to that, and ignore everything else..

Im sorry you are going through this. I know it feels like having a ton of shit on your back and you feel lonely and sometimes like you can’t go on because the one thing you loves and attached to has like left you in the dark (well it feels that way).

But this too shall pass. Life goes on. You can rebuild and you don’t need her to do it. You can find someone who appreciates you and someone who’s not afraid to be authentic so that when you build with them, you’re building on a stable foundation.

I know it’s challenging to move forward , especially because of all the memories you share with this person. Especially taking a leap to move etc. all those points are valid & again, those moments were very real. That doesn’t go away just because she left .

I read somewhere that relationships don’t end. They complete. Relationships are important, we are communal beings. Relationships teach us things and are relevant for specific time periods in our life. Some are life long others are for a moment. The ones for a moment are what we’d call “purposeful relationships.” These relationships end or “complete” when the purpose is fulfilled. Thank it for the lessons it’s right you. I know that’s hard to do now. But over time as you start to rise up , you’ll start figuring out that purpose. As you start to learn how to rebuild yourself you’ll start to learn about certain wounds that- maybe you put bandaids on before but now you’re having to face and heal to have the life and relationships you want.

What you both shared was meaningful that doesn’t go away. But like you said , if she can just “throw it all away,” something was being built on a false premise… something was missing , or something was happening on the side that maybe you both turned a blind eye to and.. she’s not who you truly thought she was. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to be upset about that , again, that was her own confusion.

All you can do is, take accountability for your end. Work on growth , and acceptance . And be peaceful in the fact that, at the end of the day, you’ll be in a way better place to build what you truly desire than ever before.

in the meantime , find family or close friends to lean on. Ask for support , love & help. I know reaching out is scary. But do it. It’s worth while. Shouldn’t have to go through this alone .

Dear Luke:

You wrote: “She always had plenty to say about my flaws”- always, you wrote. That means before she came out as a lesbian. So the relationship was not perfect and then she came out as a lesbian.

A relationship cannot be healthy and loving when one of the two people in the relationship always or often points to the other his or her flaws. When this is done, the person who is repeatedly criticized feels under attack, disapproved, hurt.

Is that how you felt when married to her: under attack, disapproved of, hurt and angry?

anita

I dated someone very similar .

judgmental , ungrateful, had problems with addiction & alcoholism In past  . Would leave me when I really needed her, but only around when she needed or wanted something.

she was a complete narcissist. I was still in love with her after I figured it out. Giving her benefit of doubt.

But her leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Hi, i was moved by your post and can sense how difficult it is for you.

I can relate to a lot of what you describe and it is really really bloody hard. I gmhave had a relationship breakdown and its been 4 months and i feel like my world has been flipped upside down and everything feels wrong and strange and broken…everything i do is wrong. Its not easy to move on, heck its hard to just breathe and not feel overwhelmed all the time.

Iam sorry i dont have much helpful advice i just wanted to say that i hear you and am here to listen if you need.