As a teenager I had two long-term relationships years apart. They both ended the same way: the relationships slowly died because I was too ignorant to do anything to our problems but too scared of being alone that I didn’t end them immediately. Close to the end of them both, I kissed another person while drunk and then got the courage to end the relationships. So I didn’t learn from my first mistake, I repeated it. I don’t remember how I felt about my cheating back then, I was really selfish I think. I didn’t tell them about my cheating, because I was scared and because I didn’t want to hurt them.

It’s been 7 years now since those mistakes. I’ve been with my husband for five years and in the beginning of our relationship I got to the root of why I acted the way I did and what my problem was even as an adult. Back then I wanted to feel wanted and kept trying to validate myself by attention from others. I had a bad self-esteem and no sympathy for myself. In the first year of our marriage I still drank but when I noticed I was getting close to something that might lead to my teenage mistakes, I declined and went home to my husband because I love him. Nowadays I have stopped drinking and realized the cause of my cheating and because of it, feel positive that I will never cheat again. I don’t want the attention anymore, compliments might feel nice, but they don’t do anything for me. My love and respect for myself are the ones that make me feel truly wanted. Also, I never want to add to this regret I’m feeling still about my cheating.

The problem is, I am still filled with regret. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I did enough or any repentance back then, but now, seven years later, I feel anxiety over what I’ve done. Sometimes I’m in a pit of despair where I can’t see how I can ever not be a terrible person since I am a cheater. You know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater. It helps that my husband knows and accepts me with my past, but I told my friend about these mistakes I’ve done and she replied, “How does it feel to know you’re always going to be 9/10? You can never be 10/10 since you’re a cheater.” I know I shouldn’t look at the past since I can’t change it, the future I can, but I still can’t help but feel miserable. I just wish I could change it. I thought now being an adult and understanding why I acted the way I did would help, but it doesn’t. I have no idea how I could break my own morals in that way, how I could take the risk of hurting other people that way. Every time I think about it, every time someone mentions cheating somehow, I get this sunken feeling in my chest and tears burning down my throat. I’m a cheater.