Home→Forums→Relationships→Cheated on my Ex, Feeling like I Don't Deserve my Boyfriend
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December 31, 2015 at 8:50 am #91034
EmilyParticipantAbout two and a half years ago, I did something despicable: I cheated on my first boyfriend (now ex). My current boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for three months, doesn’t know. I feel like I should tell him but I’m afraid he’ll leave me.
I met my first boyfriend when I was 19, and he was 24. I wasn’t interested in him, and even though I gently tried to turn him away from me, he was persistent and I ended up caving in. For awhile, I managed to convince myself that I liked him, but it couldn’t last forever. We were together for two and a half years. In the last nine months of our relationship, things started falling apart. I finally realized how much I resented him. I was never physically attracted to him (even though I tried to be), and his personality annoyed me (in fact, the only person in my family who actually liked him was my mother, which I didn’t know until later). I started distancing myself from him, physically and emotionally. He eventually noticed, and we had a talk about it (in which I should have been honest and told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, but I was a coward), and we agreed that we would both try to work on things, and if our relationship didn’t improve in a month, we would end it.
Within that month, however, I received an offer for a job that would drastically benefit my career. The job would have been too far from my parents’ house (2 hours), but was a more reasonable commute from my college campus and my ex’s house. The job would start in the summer, so I couldn’t have commuted from my college then. We put our grievances on hold so I could take the job.
Around the same time my job started, I started getting flirty attention from one of my friends, even though she knew I had a boyfriend. Looking back, I know I should have ignored it, but she was a refreshing escape from the man whom I felt trapped in a relationship with, the man whom I felt like he didn’t respect me. I felt like a trophy girlfriend to him. So, much to my regret, I took the bait and had a three-month emotional and physical affair with my friend. I knew it was wrong the whole time, but I justified it through my resentment of my then-boyfriend. After my ex broke up with me (because he couldn’t take the emotional distance), she asked me out, but I turned her down because I realized that I wasn’t really romantically or sexually interested in her, and I had learned the hard way not to date people you’re not attracted to. We ceased our friends-with-benefits arrangement shortly thereafter. For two years, I was content to be single.
Earlier this year, I met an incredible man. He is everything I have ever wanted, and our relationship thus far has been as close to perfect as any human endeavor could be. We love each other very, very deeply. He makes me feel like I never thought I could feel. My world would be so gray without him. But I am still consumed with guilt over cheating on my ex. My boyfriend doesn’t know, but I feel like I owe him the truth. I learned my lesson and would never be unfaithful to anyone again. But, if this is something that would affect his decision to be in a relationship with me, I feel like I should be honest about it. I’ve been tearing myself up over it for two weeks, and have felt guilty every time he tells me he loves me, because I feel like I don’t deserve it. I haven’t seen him in two weeks because he is visiting family for the holidays, but I will see him in a few more days. I feel like my relationship is already over. I have been feeling physically ill and have trouble eating. I am so afraid to lose him, but I don’t want my relationship to be filled with guilt.
December 31, 2015 at 9:27 am #91035
AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
Do not tell your boyfriend that you cheated on the ex boyfriend. Do something else about your distress regarding that cheating, learn from it. You didn’t learn enough- I know you didn’t learn something very important yet to be learned-because you are experiencing distress over it in the present.
If you tell your boyfriend, you can never un-tell him. The thing is you don’t owe him this kind of information. It is not his business to know. You don’t know many details about his life and have no right for those details. If you committed a crime that you may still be incarcerated for or sued over, then you should tell him because he should know it is possible for you to be put away for 10 years or be sued for millions of dollars, so that he can plan accordingly. But regarding your wrongdoing, it carries no such consequence that should concern him.
I understand it distresses you and you think the right thing to do is to tell him, that you will feel better, but this will be a mistake IF you prefer to continue this relationship and give it your best shot.
I would focus on LEARNING what you need to learn from that relationship. You stated you learned to not cheat in the future and to not get involved with a person you are not physically attracted to. Now there is MORE to learn. Before I start guessing what those things may be, would you like to take the first shot at it?
anita
December 31, 2015 at 9:34 am #91036EmilyParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your reply. I still feel like he deserves the truth, because I want our relationship to be based on honesty. I have thus far been nothing but loving, supportive, and faithful to him, and I worry that it is unfaithful to not disclose information that would affect his opinion of me. I feel very strongly that I do not deserve him, and I guess I am looking for reassurance that I do deserve him.I suppose something that I still need to learn is how to forgive myself. I think my problem is that I don’t deserve forgiveness. Yes, I was 21 and selfish, but I could have handled that situation in a much more moral fashion. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, even though it happened so long ago. I know, logically, that decent people can make poor choices, but I feel like what I did was unforgivable, and I’m having a hard time allowing myself to heal and to accept love.
December 31, 2015 at 9:53 am #91037EmilyParticipantI should also mention that I have severe anxiety, and I think my anxious thought patterns are also playing a role in my emotional turmoil.
December 31, 2015 at 10:06 am #91038AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
I believe I understand your motivation. Problem is with this first disclosure you are starting with him a pattern where you see him as the one to fix you, as if he was your psychotherapist… or a parent figure that will tell you: it is okay, you do deserve to be loved, you are okay.”
Problem is he is not a professional psychotherapist and even if he was, he couldn’t have been your therapist because he is involved with you as a boyfriend.
This desire of yours to eliminate your anxiety is strong, but the disclosure will not eliminate it. Maybe you will feel better for just a short while. But then, there will be more. And more.
Did you attend psychotherapy? Do you have insight into the origins of your anxiety?
This is your job, to heal. Don’t hand him that job. He is not as perfect and strong as you think he is, as you need him to be. You will be burdening him with what is not his to carry.
Mutual sharing is necessary, do share with him your anxieties, but don’t dump on him your past. You and him- following the Everything-about-him-is-perfect phase you are in- will have enough challenges to face, enough so there is no space for this issue here.
Back to psychotherapy? Insight into your past? Share, if you would like.
anitaDecember 31, 2015 at 10:08 am #91039AnonymousGuestCorrection: don’t dump on him your past with other men or women, as in romantic/ sexual relationships. Your past with your parents, childhood, that is good to share with him. But romantic/ sexual… not a good idea, not at this point, not in this context.
December 31, 2015 at 10:20 am #91040AnonymousGuest…And one more thing: you think you will be helping him by telling him you cheated on an ex. Now, if the relationship survives this disclosure, and he tends to be just a bit anxious, even the tiniest bit, because of his disclosure, no matter how faithful you are and will be to him, he may always remember this and wonder if you will be cheating on him. Every time something goes wrong, you travel, he may get anxious simply because you told him. And then, there is nothing you will be able to do to solve his anxiety. You may regret then having told him, but you wouldn’t be able to go back and un-tell him.
But guess what, you didn’t tell him yet. What an opportunity, to prevent a big problem in the future by NOT doing what you feel like doing…
A neighbor of mine told me that her husband’s ex wife accused him of molesting their daughter. The neighbor seems to not believe it at all, but once she told me, I wonder when I see him. I wonder maybe he did. The thought didn’t enter my mind until she told me, now I cannot un-hear it.
That would be cruel to do to your boyfriend!
anita
December 31, 2015 at 10:21 am #91041EmilyParticipantI have been to psychotherapy, but never for this specific reason. Although I felt guilty about my transgression, I never felt this strongly weighed down by it until I started dating my current boyfriend. After our first date, I thought to myself “He’s so amazing, why do I deserve him?” And then, the guilt from my past came rushing back, along with thoughts of “No, I don’t deserve him”. I have not been able to completely overcome the guilt ever since. It has gotten worse in the past few weeks because I went home for the holidays, and being there reminded more strongly of my mistakes. And, as I have said, I haven’t seen him in two weeks, but every time I hear his voice, or see photos of him on facebook, I am filled with the feeling of “I don’t deserve him”
As for psychotherapy, I have been going on and off throughout high school, college, and after college. I really connected with my last therapist (again, I never brought up this issue to her because at the time it was not at the forefront of my mind). Unfortunately, her office stopped accepting my family’s insurance. I am thinking of trying to find another one.
December 31, 2015 at 10:24 am #91042EmilyParticipantAnita,
In response to your most recent message, I suppose the reason I would tell him is to give him the chance to break up with me if he so chooses. I don’t want him to. I would be devastated if he were no longer in my life. But I feel that he deserves better than me.December 31, 2015 at 10:39 am #91043AnonymousGuestI will be back in an hour and a bit. will write then
anitaDecember 31, 2015 at 11:17 am #91044EmilyParticipantI appreciate your patience and compassion. I will say that I am trying very, very hard right now to convince myself not to tell him. My biggest issue at the moment is feeling like I don’t deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship with someone like him. I really, really, want to make it work and not hurt him, though.
December 31, 2015 at 12:16 pm #91046AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
You focus on what happened in context of your relationship with your first boyfriend as proof or indication that you do not deserve to be loved by someone worthy. You see it as indication there is something wrong, unlovable, faulty about you. But this belief, core belief, predates your first relationship. What you describe about that first relationship indicates you already believed you were not good enough to be loved by someone you like and respect and look up to. You chose someone you didn’t like so much for that reason.
Would you like to share with me about your early relationship with your mother, your father, an older sibling… someone in your childhood, a relationship in which you were very hurt, and which lead you to believe you are unlovable, that there is something wrong with you?
* My thought so far is that you need GOOD enough therapy, which you didn’t have so far, not enough of if it started well. Also, that if your new boyfriend is a decent guy, this relationship is an opportunity for you to heal. But to use it to heal, you need to HAVE it. Not to tell him about an IRRELEVANT thing about your past relationship with the guy. You can share with him and should share with him your fears, your struggles, but not THAT. The real things. To do this you will have to endure some distress and seek his comfort.
Back to my question about your childhood relationship/s?
anita
December 31, 2015 at 12:27 pm #91047EmilyParticipantI had a very happy childhood, and I’ve always had a strong relationship with my parents and sister. My sister, who is older than me, has adored me since I was a baby. My parents have always been loving and supportive of me, and have never made me feel that I am not good enough. They have always only wanted me to be happy.
However, between the ages of 13 and 20, I was the victim of an emotionally abusive friendship. My friendship with this girl started off pretty normal, but after about a year, things took a turn for the worse. She was moody, ill-tempered, and vindictive. Whenever she was upset about something else in her life, she took it out on me. She was very possessive and got jealous when I spent time with other friends without inviting her. Frequently she would threaten to ruin my life (which, looking back, sounds immature and stupid, but at the time, felt like a real, devastating threat), or belittle me. I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of how she could hurt me if she found out that I wanted help. Finally, when I was 20 and in college, I realized that she had no power over me and abruptly cut off all contact from her.
In addition, I was unpopular in high school, and the guys I had liked never liked me back. I spent the better part of four years feeling perpetually lonely and heartbroken. Looking back, I am relieved that I never dated any of them, but at the time, it was painful to feel so unlovable.
December 31, 2015 at 12:28 pm #91048EmilyParticipantAlso, I am a little confused how I can “endure distress and seek his comfort” without bringing up my past sins?
December 31, 2015 at 1:19 pm #91051AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
You wrote: “I had a very happy childhood, and I’ve always had a strong relationship with my parents…My parents have always been loving and supportive of me, and have never made me feel that I am not good enough.”
Then you started a friendship with a girl at 13 and it lasted until you were 20. “Frequently she would threaten to ruin my life… I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of how she could hurt me if she found out that I wanted help.”
Between the ages of 13 and 20 you continued to have a strong relationship with your parents as before you were 13. During those years, your life was threatened by the “friend” and yet you did not reach out to your parents.
During those seven years, during the years within those seven years when she threatened to ruin your life, you must have been afraid. Afraid on an ongoing basis, distressed repeatedly. And yet, your parents did not SEE you being distressed? Being the loving parents that they were and are, they did not see the worry on your face, the expressions of your fear, your anxiety? They did not sit with you and hold your hand and say something like: “we see that you are afraid, that something is bothering you. What is it? Please tell us, you are safe here, we are here to protect you…”
Can you explain to me, because I don’t understand, how it is that you not only did not reach out to your parents but they did not notice your distress?
anita
Can you explain to me how it is that you didn’t turn to your parents when the girl belittled you and threatened to ruin your life?
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